By Micheal Russer | Meet Mindful
Maximum intimacy ranks high on the list of relationship goals for many couples; but, how do we get there? By continuing our discussion of the S.O.S.
—See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World—
Last week I wrote an article about how nearly every adult on the planet is deeply influenced by what I call the human Sexual Operating System (S.O.S.). This is a system so powerful it affects who we choose as a mate, how we interact with them, and whether or not the relationship will last. And why most people’s current S.O.S. will doom them to eventual relationship failure, or at best, an unfulfilling life together if left unchecked.
Related Article: Here’s How Men & Women Are Similar (and Different) When It Comes to Sex
This week is all about how to upgrade your Sexual Operating System so your intimate relationship is the source of lifelong fulfillment and satisfaction, for you and your partner.
The Immense Power of Awareness
Most people’s S.O.S. has such a strong hold over them because they are simply not aware of its influence. This means that at some level, most relationship behavior isunconsciously reactive. This is thanks to our built-in instinctive procreative imperative which is driven by base survival needs within Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
So the first step to upgrading your S.O.S. is to simply become aware of its influence over your relationship behavior. The details of which are covered extensively in the previous article. Think of awareness as the “interrupt” to the unconscious programming of the S.O.S. that allows you to insert new, more empowering, “code.”
The next step is being very clear about what you really want out of your intimate relationship and why.
The Drive for Self-Actualization & Transcendence
Being in a great intimate relationship can be one of the most profound experiences that a human being can have. Think about that for a moment. You are authentically and vulnerably sharing your most intimate thoughts, feelings and experiences with a partner who is doing the same with you. And in that space you may briefly glimpse what it means to be fully self-actualized and transcend your day to day experience.
Related Article: You Deserve to Experience Ecstasy: The 5 Levels of Orgasm
I may be going out on a limb here, but I am proposing that when intimacy becomes the gateway to this highest form of human experience, this is what most people seek from their life partner relationship—whether they are fully conscious of this need or not. And they want it as much and frequently as possible. Yet here’s the rub: most couple’s current S.O.S. actually prevents this from happening and that is the fundamental source of relationship breakdown.
So if you are with me so far and would like to explore what it takes to achieve this highest state within your relationship and have it continue to grow and blossom over time, read on.
General Upgrades to the Sexual Operating System
What I’m about to share with you is what it took for my partner and I to upgrade our respective S.O.S. And in so doing helped us and I achieve levels of emotional, physical and even spiritual intimacy beyond what is conventionally (within the context of a typical S.O.S.) considered possible.
Here’s what we did:
1) Truly Listen – I am fortunate to have a female partner that is not shy about telling me what she wants intimately speaking—and thankfully, I learned to listen and provide accordingly. And likewise, she does the same. For our particular situation it meant me as the man learning to slow way, way down to give her plenty of time to become fully aroused and ready. Note this is diametrically opposed to the common male S.O.S. response of “I’ve got a hard-on, let’s go!”
2) Vulnerability – this means removing the barriers to one’s heart. And this one goes soagainst the grain of the typical S.O.S. that it can be difficult at first to adopt; yet, it is crucial to the success of your S.O.S. upgrade and frankly, the longevity of your relationship.
3) Authenticity – this means sharing, when appropriate, our true thoughts and feelings in a vulnerable way without using deflectors like sarcasm, or dissimulation.
4) Choosing Presence Over Performance – my partner and I no longer allow the word “performance” to enter our bedroom. We instead insist on being fully present for both giving and receiving during our intimate sessions. This means no goals or agendas other than being in the moment without distraction. And ironically, this upgrade alone results in experiences that exceed any “performance” either of us have ever had before.
Related Article: 7 Bedtime Routines for Better Intimacy (& More Love-Making)
5) Embrace Uncertainty – we view our relationship as a great adventure, one filled with unexpected surprises and gifts. Any real adventure, by definition, includes uncertainty which we’ve learned to embrace as the gateway to the real gold in our relationship. The other option of course is stultifying routine in which so many couples seem to stuck and unable to escape.
The above represent the non-gender-specific, S.O.S. upgrades. Now let’s look at recommended upgrades for men and women respectively.
