By Ash Stevens | Meet Mindful
With intimacy, we’d love to in infallible. We can dream! Instead of reliving the missteps of our youth (and adulthood) let’s learn from our sex mistakes.
Sex. We all know it can be this wonderful, exciting, exotic, and powerful thing, but getting to that point requires making some mistakes that make sex not so great. As in, more awkward and heart-crushing than exciting or wonderful. Over my years, I’ve shed a few tears and held myself from slapping a few faces. Overall, I can’t say I have any regrets, but if I could go back to give the old me some advice, I’d share these sex mistakes.
1. Using Sex Esteem as Self Esteem
I grew up seeing women prancing around in tiny outfits, busty bustiers, and fancy push-up bras with matching underwear. Because of the subconscious ideas I acquired through society and my upbringing, I thought sex appeal was EVERYTHING. My self-worth was tied into being desirable. So, the more heads I turned, the more I mattered. Which also goes to say that the fewer heads I turned, the less I mattered.
Related Article: How Sexism Is Literally Ruining Women’s Sex Lives
I thought that being somebody meant being sexy and attractive. Because of this, I shared myself intimately with a man or two that I would have never consciously chosen to be with. But because I felt that being attractive meant everything, I didn’t really see there being any other choice but to go to the bedroom. Back then, I didn’t matter. I had no concerns about being respected, or valued, or appreciated. What mattered was being “bangable.” So even though I seemed bed-worthy to someone that saw me as another notch in the bedpost, I was willing to take the risk in hopes of feeling like a somebody. Except I only ever walked away as a nobody…
2. Taking Mr. Next Instead of Waiting for Mr. Right(ish)
I grew up without a solid father figure, so when I came of age I didn’t know what qualities I wanted in a man. I also didn’t know what behaviors should raise red flags. So combine that with my lust-based self esteem inspired by society, and you have a recipe for remorse.
There was so much I didn’t know. So, it never occurred to me that I should be looking for a partner that aligns with me. Instead, I pretty much went for any guy who was gutsy enough to express interest in me. Fortunately, I had a low-key lifestyle so I didn’t get out a lot, but I still made decisions that made no sense whatsoever. I shouldn’t have taken interest in someone just because they had interest in me. My decision should have been about my needs and my wants. Then I would have saved myself confusion, and regret, and embarrassment.
Related Article: Is Jumping Into Bed Quickly Harmful to Relationships?
3. Wishing for What Could Be Instead of Seeing What Was
As I mentioned already, I have a sexual encounter or two I could have done without. Part of that was because I would feel the need to act on any decent male interested in me—“Look! Somebody likes me!”—but it was also due to a lot of grand ideas and preconceived notions floating around in my head.
You see, I wanted to feel pretty, and appreciated, and thought of, and looked after. I wanted to have somebody give a damn and show me that I was important. I knew I wanted that, and I wanted it so badly. So even though I was around someone who made it quite clear they were not that guy, I was blind to that. I believed that if I gave myself to them, they would see the amazing person I really was and give me everything my heart and soul desired.
And so I would. I would give myself to them.
But I never got what I longed for because I was sharing myself with a person who wasn’t capable of what I wanted. Had I been looking at the situation for what it was instead of for what I wanted it to be, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble and hurt feelings.
