Why it’s OK to be Attracted to Others While You’re in a Loving Relationship

Written by on July 8, 2018 in Conscious Living, Relationships & Sex with 31 Comments


By Aletheia Luna | Loner Wolf

Infidelity, cheating and affairs . . . these are topics that we tiptoe around discussing when we’re in relationships. The prospect of being lied to and cheated on by our significant others is not only a terrifying prospect to dwell on, but it’s an even more frightening notion to consider committing against those we love. It’s no wonder that we are so averse to exploring this topic in our everyday lives!

The truth is that life is capricious and unpredictable, and while many of us are under the illusion that avoiding what makes us feel uncomfortable and embarrassed is the solution, we really need to have an open conversation that explores this taboo—and much feared—area of life.

It’s time that we stop ignoring the ominous “elephant in the room,” and start exploring why we feel so ashamed about feeling attracted to other people in loving relationships.

Related Article: Friendship Sex Without Strings (aka “Friends With Benefits”) : Can Women Handle It?

If you feel distressed, depraved, guilty or embarrassed for feeling attracted to others in your loving relationship, don’t allow your conscience to continue withering under the weight of your shame. Keep reading to discover why it is not only OK to feel attracted to others, but why it is normal as well.

Being Attracted to Other People is Not a Crime

Let me share with you something about myself. I am fortunate enough to currently be in a very loving, very satisfying long-term relationship that I never thought was possible to have with another human being. So I was very shocked and very surprised when I began to feel attracted to other people in my life. To my horror I found (and continue to find), that I feel intellectually, emotionally and physically attracted to others in my life completely out of the blue and with no warning whatsoever.

“What the hell is WRONG with me?” I have wondered many times before, “Why do I feel this way? . . . I SHOULDN’T feel this way.” And so ensues the endless hours of self-criticism and merciless put-downs.

Does this sound familiar to you?

If you have made feeling attracted to other people a crime in your life, you will most likely feel dirty, flawed, and irredeemably guilty like I have often felt before. Furthermore, you were probably indoctrinated with the unrealistic, fantasy-land ideal of “True love means that it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to be attracted to others.”

Let me tell you something very simple . . . this is a completely unrealistic, and completely false.

Unless you are demisexual and only feel attracted to those you have created mental or emotional bonds with, you will always feel attracted to other people, EVEN in loving relationships. This is simply the nature of being a sexual being.

For sexual beings, being attracted to others is a normal way of life—whether it is that toned guy with the infectious smile at the Deli, the girl with the big boobs and alluring perfume at work, or the neighbor with the charming personality and hysterical jokes. Feeling attracted to other people does not make you evil, it does not make you a philanderer, and it does not make you guilty of a terrible crime.

But what does count is what you decide to do with these feelings.

How Being Attracted to Others Evolves into Cheating and Lying

It is perfectly normal and perfectly OK to feel attracted to others in loving relationships. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either crippled by insecurity (e.g. “If they feel attracted to ____, they will stop feeling attracted to me and will therefore leave me”), or is deluded by the mistaken belief that “being in love means you can never be attracted to others.”

While it is OK to feel physically, emotionally and/or mentally attracted to others, the real problems start when, out of shame, we begin to hide away these feelings and refuse to acknowledge them both to ourselves and to our partners. We will explore how to acknowledge these feelings to ourselves and our significant others a bit later.

But for now it’s really important to understand that secrecy is the core root of all “evil” in relationships as it breeds lying and cheating.

When we hide from any uncomfortable truth within ourselves—such as the fact that we feel attracted to others—we breed a type of neuroticism within us that accumulates more and more. The more we shroud our thoughts and feelings in secrecy, the more they weigh down on us and lurk in the corners of our minds. Through time, our repressed feelings and thoughts grow into monster issues that perpetuate our feelings of guilt and dirtiness. We find that we start having sexual dreams about others that we can’t avoid, or we start having uncontrollable lust issues that we don’t know how to put a reign on. Sometimes we even give into our morbid curiosities and start affairs and secret rendezvous as a way of appeasing the morbid curiosity of our Shadow Selves.

. . . and why?

All because we made feeling attracted to others a crime inside of our minds—all because we denied ourselves the right to experience and accept these feelings from the very start.

Related Article: One Woman is Open to an ‘Open Relationship’, But She Wants This One Thing From Lover’s Lover

But don’t beat yourself up. I know what it’s like to feel the insufferable weight of guilt constantly press down on your shoulders, and I know what it’s like to slowly remove the burden of self-inflicted blame from your life. While the lessons that I’ve learned might not be able to solve every problem in your life right now, I do hope they help you to heal that part of you that feels “criminal” inside.

How to “Clear the Air”

First, I want to write a disclaimer. This article is written for, and directed towards, loving relationships that are built on equality and trust. If your relationship is unhealthy, unequal and/or destructive, and if you have other people in the picture (for example, children), it is not always possible to be open to your partner about your feelings of attraction towards another person or people. It is even possible that in some types of relationships (e.g. physically or emotionally abusive ones) being open and “clearing the air” can do more long-term harm than good. It is up to you to determine what kind of relationship you have and whether it would be wise or not to “clear the air.”

However, it is always possible for you to be open with yourself about your feelings of attraction towards others. Sometimes forgiving yourself and giving yourself the permission to feel what you feel is all you need to move on with your life.

It can take a lot to rewire the “you-should-never-feel-attracted-to-others-in-relationships” belief that you have been indoctrinated (usually through religion) to believe for most of your life. So if you are struggling to give yourself the permission you need to move on with your life, try repeating the following affirmations to yourself:

“It is OK to feel attracted to others, but I choose [my partner].”

“I embrace my right to feel attracted to others. This is normal and this is acceptable.”

“Although I feel attracted to this man/woman, I choose [my partner] for a good reason.”

Like me you will find that through constant mental repetition of these affirmations, you will start to embrace the inevitability of feeling attracted to others, and you will let go of the guilt associated with these feelings. Remember, you chose to be with your partner for a very good reason, and it is important to remind yourself of that.

Related Article: 7 Important Life Lessons You Can Learn from Being in a Relationship

If you discover that you are still struggling to release the guilt you feel after repeating these affirmations to yourself many times, you are probably suffering from cognitive dissonance; or the state of having two conflicting feelings and beliefs, where one side of you wants to forgive yourself, and the other wants to continue holding yourself guilty. In this case, your word alone (at first) might not be enough to convince you that you are not at fault.

So let me give you mine:

I give YOU the permission to see that it is perfectly OK to feel physically, emotionally and/or mentally attracted to another person in a loving relationship.

Take this to heart.


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  1. We weren’t created to be with one love at a time. I beLieVe

  2. Bria Kelly Bria Kelly says:

    In my experience if I’m not completely soul to soul in love with the person than yes I’m attracted to others. But I experienced that soul binding love once and didn’t see anybody else for a long time

    • Bria Kelly Bria Kelly says:

      Lol no. Ive been single since that encounter

    • Dee Harris Dee Harris says:

      I agree with this Bria.

    • Being attracted to others means that you find them aesthetically beautiful in their own way. What does that got to do with whom your soul desires or is bonded with? Only if some attraction leads to more and more thoughts or desires that take u away from your loved one then u can say that something is wrong. And there is a lot of contemplation needed there anyway. It’s not always ‘that’ someone else that signifies you are not deeply in love with your significant other half. Being in love with someone especially over the years, is not sth that just happens. U always have to solve issues and fall in love again and again. It’s keeping to it and not giving up that makes the difference not if U find someone else attractive but how far you’ll take it. Consider this if u ever had any relationship over seen years.. Not talking about a couple of years when I are still infatuated with someone therefore have no eyes for anyone else. That’s just chemistry going on.

    • Bria Kelly Bria Kelly says:

      Yeah I was speaking for my experience. I don’t know how everybody else is set up but that’s how I operate… And the soul binding love experience I spoke of wasn’t only a couple years… We have actually been apart for 4 years yet he still try’s to contact me even though he chose to marry somebody else. When I was with him no other man existed . Some people believe in soul mates some don’t. It wasn’t our time so we chose different life paths but we still communicate in our dreams often. I’ was actually in a relationship with somebody else for longer than I was with my proposed soulmate and I found many other guys attractive, was very flirty etc. so I know the difference between loving somebody and finding others attractive, and being soulfully bound and in love to a person and having no other man “exist” so to speak.

  3. It’s very normal to be attracted to others when you’re in any relationship-if you’re human???

  4. Dee Harris Dee Harris says:

    It might mean you aren’t really as…… “in love” as you thought.

  5. মুস্তফা

  6. My picker picks, and I’m gone. Even, letting a breeder in to be a friend, felt like cheating, somehow.

  7. it’s true. when you’re in relationship with someone or you’re in love, you have no right to be attracted to others unless and in the only measure where your spouse didn’t treat you right. all nagative things that kill love. for example when you call your spouse on phone no answer., no considaration all those things…………………..

  8. My partner and I are very much in love and committed and both have been attracted to others. We are energetic beings of course we will connect and be attracted to others. We laugh about it and make jokes. Funny, when your not insecure it doesn’t really faze you.

  9. Kathy Popp Kathy Popp says:

    being attracted is normal – acting on it ruins the lives of two families

  10. Just so everyone knows, being completely committed to a partner is possible. I mean fully mentally not attracted to anyone else, committed. I couldn’t read the whole article because it kept insisting that it isn’t but it is. All it takes is pratctice controlling the mind and choice. Every single day you choose your spouse to be ‘the one and only’. People forget the power and control they can have over their mind. I don’t mind people having their own relationships as long as they’re happy. It’s not of my concern if people are happy in polygamous relationships or are content with spouses being sexually(or otherwise) attracted to others. I just want people to know that it is possible to be fully, mentally, physically, sexually committed to one person. It is possible =) All it takes is practice to control the mind =) In eastern culture I heard they tease people who don’t have control of their mind “monkey-brains” lol I don’t want to offend anyone, but that’s what I read one time. The best way I could describe it is, have you ever looked in the mirror and thought “Dang I look good”. The on a different day, you look in the mirror and see all your flaws. It’s perpective. Or have you ever thought of an old crush when you were yoing and thought “wthell was I thinking?”. It’s perspective =) So when you realize you have control over your perspective, you can choose to be only sexually, mentally, physically etc. attracted to your partner. ^_^ It get easy over time. It’s like a muscle. If it never has been worked out before ofcourse it’s going to be difficult at first, especially if you have doubt and you’ve never fully tried. But it is possible for everyone =) There’s a different between sexual and non-sexual attraction too =) For instance, familly members. You could view your brothers/sisters mom /dad as beautiful or handsome but have absolutely no sexual interest in them =)

  11. Being attracted to many people doesn’t mean you aren’t in love with the one you are with. It means you are alive. It’s what you do with that attraction that creates an aftermath. You either recognize it as another feeling or you don’t.

  12. Ange MeNow Ange MeNow says:

    Attraction is normal and an automatic response. Lust is a choice.

  13. Absolutely. You are hopelessly trying to merge love (absolute essence – infinite energy- unlimited) and making love (feeling attraction, passion, lust – temporary energy blasts – unlimited) only to end up jeopardizing yourself (your true nature) by accepting religion as authority. There is no such thing as religious authority. What you call ‘family’ is a religious setup. You breed religious followers when you should be breeding individuals.

  14. We have been programmed in so many ways: What Are Some Limiting Beliefs About Relationships?

  15. karel@miraesoft.com' Karel says:

    It’s entirely possible to love and lust after many people at the same time. We were conditioned to believe that it’s not possible in order to create artificial scarcity, so that we could be easier to manipulate and control. For details see: https://blog.kareldonk.com/relationships-of-the-future/

  16. This page getting worse! Memes from Rothschilds now this!

  17. It’s a form of cheating. I’m not cool with it.

  18. Giuseppe Antonio DeMasi

  19. Nick Young Nick Young says:

    Jacob Dillon ??????????

  20. It’s nautral to be attracted to other ppl if you love and respect your partner you don’t act on it. Also attraction is what attracted you to your partner.

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