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3 Ways You May Be Unknowingly Suffocating Your Sex Life

Posted by on April 26, 2018 in Conscious Living, Relationships & Sex with 1 Comment

Couple With Problems -compressed

By Jordan Gray | Jordan Gray Consulting

We grow up in a culture that throws layers of non-sense on top of our relationship to our sexuality.

We’re taught from a young age that this is what men are supposed to like. And this is what women are supposed to like. But if guys like something too much then they’re creepy, desperate, or freaks. And if women like certain things too much, or too little, then they’re labelled as easy, or prudish, or any other number of hurtful names.

Related Article: The #1 Cause of Unhappiness and Sexual Disconnect

In this minefield of rules, nobody wins. In fact, with all of these apparently black and white sexual norms to drown in, we tend to lose ourselves. Sex can seem increasingly scary with every year that passes.

Over time, we start to forget which of the messages we receive lead to healthy sexual relationships and which lead to dysfunctional, and even damaging, sexual relationships.

Over the past few years, I’ve noticed three major things that people/couples unknowingly do that wreak havoc on their relationship/sex lives.

Do these three things and you’re sure to alienate every sexual partner you’ll come in contact with. Steer clear of these three things, and you’ll allow the space for love, trust, and intimacy to grow within the borders of your relationship.

The 3 Ways People Unknowingly Suffocate Their Sex Lives

I’ve seen these pop up, over and over again, in the sex lives of my clients.

Be mindful of avoiding these common traps, and your relationship will be better off for it.

1. Using sex as a bargaining chip

Sex is a mutually beneficial act that supports the love, connection, and growth of the people involved in it.

So when one partner decides to use sex as a bargaining chip (as in, “If you do this nice thing for me then you get sex later…”) then the act becomes a commodity to be traded as opposed to an experience to be shared and enjoyed.

This is a no-win game.

Related Article: Women: Here Are 15 Things He Wants In the Bedroom (#8 Is Pretty Controversial)

Sex is not a bartering chip to be used against your partner.

If you don’t enjoy the sex that you and your partner have, then you either need to analyze your relationship to your own sexuality and get clear on what you desire, or you need to have an honest conversation with your partner about how your sexual needs can be met more effectively.

2. Shaming your partner’s desires

Another way that people are made to feel unsafe in their sexual relationship is by having their partner laugh at, put down, or overtly ridicule their sexual preferences or desires.

Sex is where we literally, spiritually, and metaphorically get naked in front of our partner. Letting our sexual preferences be known can be a scary concept for a lot of people. And it doesn’t help things when our requests get mocked.

Maybe you like having your hair pulled. Maybe you’ve been wanting to try some light bondage. Maybe you want your partner to explore some roleplaying.

Whatever you or your partner is wanting to explore, it’s up to the partner on the receiving end of the request to handle it with care and kindness. Receiving the request well doesn’t mean that you/they have to comply with the request… but there’s a huge gap between saying no and overtly or covertly insulting the person who makes their sexual preferences known.

Related Article: 3 Surprising Sexual Insecurities That Most Men Have, But Don’t Express

Understand that your partner trusting you enough to let you know what they would like (or like to try out) is a gift. It takes courage and vulnerability to express our sexual desires, and those gifts should be handled delicately.


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