By Aletheia Luna | Loner Wolf
When was the last time you experienced a fierce throb burn in your loins and travel through your body like electricity?
When did you last experience intense desire and passion consume you like wildfire?
If you’re experiencing sexual repression your answer will probably be “once in a blue moon,” or perhaps even “NEVER.” Unfortunately this may mean that you suffer from a host of physical and emotional problems such as fatigue, chronic tension, low self-esteem, irritability, aggression and insomnia.
Fortunately, you are not alone. Many people in our society live with overt and unabashed sexual repression. In fact, if you grew up in a highly conservative and/or religious environment, chances are that you possess some warped beliefs and ideals about sex and sexuality. If you had a similar upbringing to me you would have been taught “to wear modest clothing under all circumstances,” (in my case it was long skirts past the knees) “to ONLY have sex when you get married because otherwise you’ll be a fornicator,” “to protect your ‘private parts’,” and “*to not fiddle with your bits because it causes blindness” (*masturbation myths may vary). Really, there are dozens of other bizarre teachings out there about sexuality that I haven’t mentioned here. These teachings can be subtle and quiet, or loud and blatant.
Examining Your Erotic Wound
Before we get to the meaty part about how to deal with your sexual repression, it’s really important that you examine the source of your discomfort with all things s-e-x.
Where did your erotic wound – that part of you which is innately sexual – begin? At what point in your life did you start becoming uncomfortable with your body and its urges?
For most of us, our erotic wounds began in early childhood. Stop now and think about your parent’s approach to sexuality. What faint glances, expressions and tones can you remember your parents using when they were met with displays of eroticism? How comfortable versus uncomfortable where they with the carnal side of life?
The reality is that most of us received a poor education about sex, and many of us were even shamed, punished or rejected as children whenever we touched our genitals or played “doctor” with other kids. Unfortunately the reactions we had from our parents towards sensuality in our earlier life mold the reactions we have towards sex in our current lives.
Examples of sexual repression in your family may include
- Discomfort with any form of nudity
- Discomfort when sex scenes appear on the TV or in movies
- Shaming sexual expression (e.g. “Don’t be a dirty girl, take your hands out of your pants”)
- Labeling sex “dirty,” “bad” and/or “wrong”
- Secrecy surrounding sex and sexuality in the family
- Rigid gender roles
- Intolerance towards any form of sexual expression
As a baby lying on your change table, you were never sexually repressed. This wound has been inherited by you, but you DON’T have to let it control your life.
Other reasons for the erotic wound include:
- Low self-esteem
- Body insecurity
- Having been sexually abused
Note: If you were raped or sexually abused I recommend that you seek out psychiatric guidance if you haven’t already before applying the advice in this article. This is a vital step in your process of healing and regeneration.
Related Article: Sexual Meditation (Alone or with a Partner)
7 Things You Can Do to Heal Sexual Repression
First of all, take this journey slowly and steadily. Remember that you are the master of this ship – no one else is. Don’t jump to extremes and buy a bondage suit straight away (unless you feel ready). On the other hand, don’t leave this article resolving to do nothing for that would be even worse.
Also, none of these activities are compulsory: you are free to pick and choose as you wish.
1. Record your experiences in a journal or private diary.
Writing will help you to verbalize and process your sexual healing, as well as your beliefs and hidden feelings about sex in general. You may like to start off your journey with this activity and return to it every time you have a new experience.
2. Explore masturbation.
Masturbation elicits feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment within us. Thanks to religious thought, masturbation has been labelled as evil, wrong, or even dangerous (“Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten”), not to mention the fact that it is regarded as a “sin” that will land you straight in Satan’s lap. You may have even been punished as a child for fiddling with your male/female parts … all of these experiences combined don’t create a favorable image of masturbation in our minds. Unsurprisingly, these feelings and beliefs cause us to have a negative knee-jerk reaction every time we do “venture into the wilderness” because they are so deeply ingrained into us.
If you’d like to explore the philosophical/historical reasons behind demonizing masturbation, I recommend reading “Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation.” Otherwise, I’d encourage you to have a long hard think about masturbation and why exactly it feels so “bad” or “wrong” to you. You may like to record your thoughts in a private journal as you do this.
Related Article: How to Pleasure Yourself for More Self-Awareness and Self-Love
When you feel ready, you may like to explore the “anatomy” of masturbation and how to enjoy and benefit from the experience (if you like facts, read some benefits). Otherwise, explore some relevant books (like this one) and some relevant online stores (like this).
3. Learn to ENJOY sex.
Learn how to communicate your sexual desire.
If you have a partner, one of the most powerful ways to intensify your sex life is to discover what turns you on versus what is uncomfortable or annoying during sex. In order to communicate what arouses you, you need to pay attention to your body.Let sex become a moving form of meditation. Allow all of your thoughts to slip away as your awareness centers on the smells, tastes and tactile sensations of intercourse. Once you are aware of what is erotically stimulating to you, make sure you communicate that to your partner whether during sex, or in the aftermath. You may even like to show your partner where you like to be touched. Your partner will appreciate your assertiveness and confidence, and this will actually boost your sex appeal.