Forever Fireworks: How to Keep the Spark Going in Your Relationship


So, we've all been there. High as hell on the roller-coaster of emotion that comes with falling in love, but why do most if not all of us find our relationships beginning to fizzle out after only a few months? What happens exactly to make us begin to “get used to” our lover? Is it really that simple to explain or is there more to it? Well, yes…there's A LOT more to it, I've come to discover.

By nature, humans are selfish creatures whether we know it or not or whether we express it or not and no that's not a bad thing at all. I'm not talking about the greedy, uncaring, rude type of selfish that comes from acting out of fear-driven emotions. I'm talking about the type of selfishness that is required for you to take care of yourself first and foremost; knowing full well that if you do not, you are not very much use to anyone else because we really cannot serve from an empty cup.

The thing with this is, that even though I truly feel we are naturally and innately drawn to do this, we are otherwise taught that selfishness itself just falls into one category of “wrong” or “don't do it”. When, just like everything, your intention behind it is key. Even the emotion of anger has positive attributes if we learn to observe and channel it correctly. It is only when we sit and fester in negative emotions do they begin to have negative effects on us. They are truly meant to be tools or even guideposts to show and teach us about the inner most workings of ourselves; and those parts deep, deep down that while far from the surface can and do heavily influence our everyday decisions and ultimately how we react to things.

Which brings us back to how we might react to “losing that loving feeling” after the so-called honeymoon phase of a relationship. For me, personally I don't see a reason it EVER has to fade, although I'm just now at age 37 learning how to actually walk that walk and talk that talk. See, I believe it begins to fade because our brains would be overstimulated if we stayed stuck in a state of constant wonderment or bliss being in awe of such beauty and awesomeness of our lover every single time we laid eyes upon them or thought about them. To navigate our physical reality, the brain develops neural pathways to assist us, so we are better prepared next time and are able to recognize things the next time we encounter them and not be distracted by their “newness” or unfamiliarity. Unfortunately, this often translates into a sort of fading fascination with your significant other, dulling their shine…and you may not even know it's happening!

This is why so many couples might try things like saying, “Kiss me like the first time we met”, or “Let's go to that restaurant we went to on our first date”, because it brings back to those exciting feelings of newness that our stubborn (but well-meaning) brain has sanded down and made smooth. So, the first trick is to realize that it's not necessarily that the love you feel for one another is fading or you are getting bored of one another, it's simply that we need to keep in mind that on an unconscious level, the brain is trying to keep things as simple as possible, but subconsciously, things tend to manifest out from the ego around emotional topics and show up in our lives as “drama” or simply things we might wish were a bit different.

But if we don't know this about our stubborn brains, we tend to make up stories in our minds thinking something is wrong with us and ultimately create problems for ourselves that were never there to begin with. This is a sad truth for many couples and the cause for many break-up's as well; simple misunderstandings left to fester in our subconscious minds.

And this can especially make for a difficult time not only if you are unaware of what's happening, but  if you are as insecure as I was for so many years. If I didn't hear or see in some way that I was loved, needed, wanted, etc. I felt useless and my confidence would drop to the floor. I would keep score, judge every detail between us and I was continually basing the level of my self-worth on the opinions of others, especially those I was in a relationship with. And that is never a fair load to ask someone else to carry because the luggage can and will always fail to reach it's destination.

It's funny, but I'm finding the answer to so many of life's questions is simply to love yourself first and foremost. Again, not the greedy, all about me because I care about no one else type of selfishness, but rather the only me NOW, so I CAN care for others well later on, type of selfishness. Once you master that art, you will notice insecurities fade away. I speak from personal experience, (they are persistent little buggers) and I still see my insecurities pop up in my relationship today. However, with this awareness of what's going on, I can now observe, and then plan my response, rather than simply flying off the handle with an emotional reaction; possibly saying and doing something I might later regret because my feelings were hurt in the moment. 

I think the major lesson here that I'm experiencing now and what I see going on in many relationships is we are being given two choices on how to learn our love lessons. We are going to learn regardless, and we simply have a choice on how we get to do that. Relationships are not merely just out of mutual need and/or wanting to share time and love together; they have a much deeper, but perhaps often overlooked meaning in that they provide our greatest life lessons as we act as mirrors to those we become closest to. We even reflect to random strangers throughout the day (ever feel compelled to tell a beautiful woman you like her hair? Well, there is no beauty you see in another, that doesn't exist within yourself!)

But as we grow and evolve in our conscious awareness and begin to see how the Universe is teaching us through this means of reflection, we also become of aware that we have an often much less painful choice and that is: observation. By consciously observing, rather than unconsciously acting upon something that happens, we are coming from a place of empowered love; we are being that LOVING selfish person. And when TWO of these types of people come together, well I truly believe that is a love like no other. It contains no need for co-dependency, but rather just a request to share mutual interest, attraction, energy, attention and presence and of course, love.

And on an individual scale, even if only one of you is consciously aware of this learning process going on in your relationship, this can absolutely help to keep the spark going between you, because you can catch yourself before you let your “old” self start doubting your lover's commitment because he forgot to notice your new haircut. You can instead breath through the moment and experience with patience and realize that your worth doesn't shift one way or another with or without his acknowledgment. And when I get into a funk of needing outside validation (as nice as it is to get compliments, we should be careful not to rely on nor expect them), I remember to tell MYSELF all the thing I'm wishing to hear from others and remind myself that MY opinion and MY feelings about myself determine now and will always determine how other treat me. So, if I'm feeling unseen, I LOOK WITHIN.

Have a wonderful 4th of July weekend everyone. Be safe, be free and be love! <3

tamaraTamara Rant is a Co-Editor/Writer for CLN as well as a Licensed Reiki Master, heart-centered Graphic Designer and a progressive voice in social media activism & awareness. She is an avid lover of all things Quantum Physics and Spirituality. Connect with Tamara by visiting Prana Paws/Healing Hearts Reiki or go to

Tamara posts new original articles to CLN every Saturday.

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This article was originally created and published by Conscious Life News and is published here under a Creative Commons license with attribution to Tamara Rant and It may be re-posted freely with proper attribution, author bio, and this Copyright/Creative Commons statement.

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  1. There never is & there never has been any lack of supply other than that which we create for ourselves because of our own limited awareness.

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