By Susan Crain Bakos | Redbook
Question: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
Answer: You marry her.
Okay, it's an old joke, and it's not all that funny. But it has the uncomfortable ring of truth. Your marriage may be the exception—you're delirious with desire and he gets the headaches. But if you're like most couples, he's the one who asks for sex and you're the one who refuses. It's easy to get stuck in this stereotypical rut if you turn him down too often: After a while, you don't even think about whether you want to say no, you just say it—partly because you feel like he's begging, and it bugs you. Yet giving in—having sex just to please him—is worse. You feel used. He feels like you're placating him. And neither of you feels the least bit romantic.
The first thing you need to remember is that you and he are not on a level playing field, desire-wise. Men have a biological head start when it comes to being ready for sex. (It can take a woman 15 minutes to reach the same level of arousal that a guy reaches in three.) But some women know how to get themselves into the mood fast—which is not at all the same as giving in. Here, their secrets.
(1) Use Your Leverage to Buy Time
Think you're just too tired to get in the mood? You've got a lot of company. Studies show that women who work outside the home continue to devote more hours to child care and housework than their spouses do. Most of us have no time at all to decompress between the day's work and the evening's chores—and that stressed feeling often translates into “I'm not in the mood.” The solution? Use your bargaining power outside the bedroom to buy yourself time to get revved up for lovemaking.
“Before the twins were born, I had a different concept of romance than I do now. Now they're a year old, and the most romantic thing my husband can do is take over when he comes home. Watching him with a baby in each arm makes me feel warm and fuzzy toward him. Am I more inclined to make love later? You'd better believe it!”
— Lorrie, 29
“We share the chores, and I'm shameless about trading sexual favors for work—as in, ‘I'll trade you five minutes of fellatio for cleaning up the kitchen.' Or I'll masturbate him if he promises to change the cat litter all week. Sometimes I get so excited doing it to him that it leads to the sex he wanted in the first place. It's a win-win situation.”
— Kim, 29
(2) Make Him Ask — Nicely
Don't let it get ugly. Insist that there be no whining, begging or pouting. He can't say, “We never have sex,” for instance, or “I can't remember the last time we did it.” After all, your marriage vows guaranteed neither of you a specific ration of sex. If he's forgotten how to seduce you, he needs a refresher course.
“One night he said peevishly, ‘But I want to. Why don't you?' That did it. End of feeling guilty about depriving my husband of sex. I said, ‘Oh, that really makes me want to have sex with you.' He didn't realize how much he sounded like a spoiled kid. But after I pointed it out to him, he started complimenting me the way he had when we were dating. I encouraged him to be more verbal, to say not just ‘you turn me on' but how, why and when. When he told me that his heart started pounding when I leaned over and he caught a glimpse of my lace bra, I felt desired again.”
— Joan, 34
“Begging is for dogs. I told my husband that, and he was insulted, but he got over it. He stopped begging for sex—and I'm more aroused by him now that I don't look into his big brown eyes and see a hound dog.”
— Jennifer, 32
Related Article: Top 12 Mistakes Men Make in Bed & How To Avoid Them
(3) Create Seduction Rituals That Turn You On
Many women feel sexier when they slide into a silk slip or kimono or let their minds drift in clouds of scent. They do these things for themselves first, their partners second. So never mind him—he's already in the mood. Figure out exactly what preparations for love stimulate you.
“It's the little things that get me started, things I can do in the car while I'm stuck in traffic. Sometimes I do Kegels. It's an exercise, but a sexy one. Or I run one finger up and down the inside of my arm, my neck or my inner thigh in the bare space above my thigh-top stockings. Occasionally I catch a man in the next car watching curiously to see where I'm going with this. That turns me on too.”
— Kara, 33
“I do the same things for me that I do for him when he needs a little convincing. He calls it the ritual of the bubble bath. I light candles, turn off the lights, pour myself a glass of wine and soak and sip. I spend time shaving my legs, exfoliating, creaming, perfuming. Then I slip into something that feels good against my skin, like a cashmere robe. Sometimes he says I go to a lot of trouble considering that he gets aroused just watching me bend over in a pair of tattered jeans. But I know what I'm doing.”
— Carmen, 31
(4) Fuel Your Fantasies
There's nothing like a good, steamy fantasy to get you in the mood. The only snag is that good fantasies aren't so easy to generate when you're not really interested in sex. You could, of course, watch a video, but that requires making a production out of the process. Besides, nothing gets a woman inside her own erotic mind like the right reading material. Whether you prefer traditional romance or literary porn, keep a few strategic books in the drawer of your nightstand. Sometimes reading just a few pages can turn “No, not tonight” into “Yes, I said, Yes, I will, Yes.”
“When I was a teenager, I got hot reading novels like Gone With the Wind. That still works for me. I leave bookmarks in the sexy parts of novels and reread them when I need to get in the mood. It's my secret. My husband and kids are so used to seeing me read in the evenings, they don't pay attention when I put down one book and pick up another.”
— Lisa, 37
“The really dirty stuff works best for me. I have a stash of the kind of books that were written by ‘Anonymous' in Victorian days. When my husband is ahead of me in the arousal department, I tell him I'm going to bed early to read. He gets the hint and gives me time to work myself into a mental frenzy.”
—Kate, 32
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Good stuff right on.
What great ideas. As a man it really gives me a way to see into a woman’s mind, and imagine how to use creative ways to guide the interactions toward the flow, needs, and desires of the woman. Thank you.
I have quite a conflict, though, with this one point, out of many great insights:
“We share the chores, and I’m shameless about trading sexual favors for work—as in, ‘I’ll trade you five minutes of fellatio for cleaning up the kitchen.’ Or I’ll masturbate him if he promises to change the cat litter all week. Sometimes I get so excited doing it to him that it leads to the sex he wanted in the first place. It’s a win-win situation.” When sex is a bargaining chip, a slippery slope into games and profit motives follows. Some women take your stance to extremes. I find it degrading to think a woman would manipulate me with sex. I’ve experienced it. I was done with that fast. It leads to resentment and worse, and for those men with suppressed rage, common from male socialization, contributes to an environment conducive to sexual predators. Not victim-blaming, just sharing data. No doubt why you’d feel like that when he wants sex before the chores are done and the housework is not shared, though.
Nice :/
Im so aroused by this..keep it up