Source: Power of Positivity
Children learn by example, period. How you act, what you say, and personal shortcomings – if done within the earshot or eye line of a child – is prone to replication by your kids.
Unfortunately, far too many parents disregard or downplay the susceptibility of the child’s brain. Out of ignorance, these parents ramble on, curse, and even verbally abuse one another in a child’s presence. Caught up in their own internal world, the adult fails to self-monitor for the sake of the child.
On the flip side, good behavior and speech are just as prone to replication. A child, after all, looks at their parents as role models. “Oh, this is how I’m supposed to talk?” “This is the way I’m supposed to act?.” “Okay, well, if Mommy and Daddy are doing it, it must be right.” Make no mistake, this is how every child perceives their parent’s actions until they know better.
In this article, we’re going to discuss twelve things never to tell your kids. As to gain an understanding of why restraining speech is paramount, we’ll provide a rudimentary discussion on child psychology.
The Child Brain
“Early experiences affect the development of brain architecture, which provides the foundation for all future learning, behavior, and health.”
~ Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University (source)
To say that the human brain is remarkable is putting it lightly. The adaptability, growth, and sheer complexity of the human brain is impossible to fathom.
Get this: In the first five or so years in life, the child's brain forms over 1 million new brain cell (neuron) connections every second. Every second. Astonishing.
This immense growth helps to explain why these first fear years are so vital to development. The combination of genes (which “provide the blueprint”) and experience (which “constructs the building”) serves as the mechanism which forms the child’s brain architecture. We will primarily focus on the latter.
Serve and Return
Psychologists use the phrase “serve and return” to describe the child-parent interactions that shape the brain architecture of children and infants. An infant or young child “serves” by babbling, crying, or gesturing; the parent “returns” by responding appropriately with eye contact, a hug, and/or words. Or they don’t. Or they “return” in a way that stunts the child’s communication, social skills, and other pertinent functions.
This serves and returns relationship is absolutely vital to a child’s development. When adults and parents place importance on this relationship, the child (and parent) benefits. So when parents, for whatever reason, do not, the child is deprived of an environment conducive to emotional and psychological health.
“When adult responses to children are unreliable, inappropriate, or simply absent,” states the Harvard University Center on the Developing Child website, “developing brain circuits can be disrupted, affecting how children learn, solve problems, and relate to others.”
12 Things To Never Tell Your Kids
“The words with which a child’s heart is poisoned, whether through malice or through ignorance, remain brained in his memory, and sooner or later they burn his soul.”
~ Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind
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“Hurry Up!”
When a child is continuously told to “Hurry up!” they become super sensitive to fluctuations in their parent’s mood. While this may sound rather harmless, psychologists state that aggressively telling a child to hurry causes additional stress.
Instead, you may want to try turning your frustration into a game. “Who can get their shoes on first?!” “Bet I can get to the car faster than you!”. You get the idea.
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“Don't Talk to Strangers.”
While telling a child to avoid people they don’t know sounds like good advice, it can backfire. For example, if someone’s nice to your child, they may think that they’re not “strangers” anymore.
Instead, imagine a situation and ask your child what they would do. “If a strange man pulls up in a car and tells you to get in, what do you do?” Another strategy is to issue a wide ultimatum and keep repeating it until the child remembers it. For example, “If anyone ever makes you feel afraid, confused, or scared, you need to ignore them.”
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“I’ll Do It” Or “Let Me Help You.”
It can be challenging to see our beloved child struggling with something, especially when they’re putting their hearts into a problem. “If you jump in too soon,” says Myrna Shure, Ph.D., and professor of psychology at Drexel University, “that can undermine your child’s independence because he’ll always be looking to others for answers.
Try to help the child by offering some advice or asking a guiding question relevant to the task at hand before jumping in.
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“I Know You Didn't Mean To Do That.”
Do you really know this? Be careful here. If you unknowingly profess ignorance regarding some unfavorable action, your child may be inclined to try and get away with it again – or something else.
Of course, if a child feels incredibly guilty about something that you know they didn’t do, that’s a different story. By all means, offer comfort and support.
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“I’ll Turn This Car Around.”
This one is all about empty threats. When your child misbehaves, do you actually turn the car around so that they think twice?
Perhaps a more important question to ask is: why are they misbehaving in the first place? Children misbehave for several reasons, some of which are overlooked by parents.
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“I’m So Fat/Ugly/Stupid.”
In early childhood, the concept of self-image is foreign. Babies and young kids don’t think about how they look. How should they judge themselves and others? By how much fat they have? By physical appearance? Or by inherent intellect?
This is the message we’re sending when we complain about being fat, ugly, dumb or any other self-defeating language in front of a child.
