By Dr. Magdalene Battles | Lifehack
Parents lie to their kids every day, they just don’t realize it. You may tell your child not to lie, but continually saying these lies, no matter how small teaches them to lie as well. They will think it is ok to lie, since Mommy and Daddy lie.
As a parent, I totally understand sometimes we lie to protect our kids, we love them so much that we don’t want them to get hurt. However, I came to realize that lying actually does no good to our kids, it will only backfire and turn our kids into liars. That’s obviously not what we want so we need to stop doing that and be true to both ourselves and our kids.
Some of the Everyday Lies Parents Tell Unconsciously
Here are some examples of lies that parents will often tell their kids, along with better solutions. These are examples to help you brainstorm your own solutions to the little lies you may be telling your child on a regular basis.
1. “Santa Clause is watching you.”
Instead of threatening them with Santa not giving them gifts, take away something in the here and now so they know their behavior has immediate consequences. If they are fighting with their sister and you want the fighting to stop so you say Santa is watching (and eventually they will find out you are a big fat liar on this one) have a consequence for their behavior. Have a realistic punishment like taking away electrics for a few hours or giving them a time out period. The one asks parenting method works well for siblings fighting and is explained in this article: Effective Way of Talking with Children.
2. “I will never let anything bad happen to you.”
This may be your intention, but it may not be possible. You can’t protect your child 100% of the time. Instead, use the truth, but frame it so the child does feel protected, yet aware of real dangers. Saying something like “I will always try to protect you, but there are bad people out there so that’s why I don’t want you to wander away from me in a store, as there are kids that are taken from their Mommies and Daddies. I am here to protect you, but if you wander away, then I am not there and you could be putting yourself in danger”. It may be scary, but its also a truthful reality. You don’t want to cause them any undue anxiety, so choose your words carefully. Let them know although kidnappings are rare, it is still something all kids and parents should be aware of so that they are cautious of strangers when out in public.
3. “The park is closed.”
You know very well the park is open, but you don’t have time to take the kids to the park because you have errands to run. Instead of lying, be honest. “Mommy can’t take you to the park today because we have to get groceries for the week so we can have meals and I have some other important errands that have to be done today.” They may whine and complain, but that’s ok, they will learn the reality of life is that they can’t have everything that they want all the time. Telling the truth also helps make you an honest parent and not a liar, because eventually they will get old enough and realize you are lying about the park being closed.
4. “It won’t hurt, I promise”
They need to get a shot from the doctor, but they are screaming and you want the screaming to stop so they can get the shot. However, they are screaming because they know you are lying. You said it wouldn’t hurt the first time they got shots. They know better. They learned from the pain that you lied. Don’t lie. Let them know it will be a small poke, a little pain, but then it's over and they get a sucker. Explain that they need the shot, for whatever health reason. Don’t be a liar. This one will quickly make you the bad guy because if you tell them it won’t hurt and hurts immensely you are the one to blame. The reality is that shots do hurt, but the pain does go away, so lead with that bit of truth and you will find them trusting you more, not less.
5. “You are the best artist, great job on your painting!”
Don’t bother praising your child when you aren’t sincere. Believe it or not, kids are not as gullible as you think. They can pick up on the tone of voice, body language, and know when you aren’t completely being truthful. Instead, you can praise their creativity or the ingenuity in their work. Praise them for something you believe is true about their work and abilities, not an end product that is just mediocre.
6. “Its bedtime!”
It's only 7:30 and not really time for bed since you know their actual bedtime is 8:00. Simple solution: “its time to start getting ready for bed”. Words matter. You may have meant that its time to get ready for bed, but what you said was that “its bedtime”. Once they begin to tell time, you want to make sure you are saying what you mean and mean what you say. It's all about maintaining the trust between you and your child. It may be a little white lie, but lies upon lies mount up to become bigger trust issues.
7. “I don’t know what happened to your artwork that was hanging on the fridge.”
You know what happened to it because you threw it away. You can’t keep every piece of artwork because you simply don’t have the space to keep all of it. The best solution is to explain this to your child. Show them the drawer or bin where you do keep the best or most meaningful pieces that they make. They can put things there if they want to make sure they are saved. If the bin gets full, then its time for them to help sort through and recycle the pieces that they no longer want to keep. This gives them responsibility for their artwork, and it also makes you an honest parent.
