Here Are the 3 Essential Keys For a Happy Relationship

After experiencing many break ups and a divorce, I know that one thing is for sure: relationships are all about attitudes. Meaning, our mindset and intentions- conscious or unconscious- determine our behaviors and our happiness in a relationship. Know that I am not fully cooked and I can't always practice the ideas I share 100% of the time. What I do is acknowledge my slip ups to my partner, make amends, forgive myself and re-commit to practicing them. That is all we can do, really. Practice doesn't make perfect but it guarantees that we get better over time.

Below are three attitudes that help relationships grow stronger and bring the couple closer. They don't just apply to romantic relationships but any encounter we have with other people.

1) Caring more about protecting the relationship than our egos

The connection between two people is a precious thing and once we have it, we forget that it is not an everyday occurrence. People can unintentionally erode the quality of the connection by putting their egos before the relationship. I personally went through a version of “my ego vs yours battle” in past relationships. It didn't turn out well.

I like being right. Everybody does. We all have an ego and it likes to think that our reality should be everyone's reality. That simply cannot be, with billions of us inhabiting this planet. We know that both people can’t be ‘right' and not mess up the relationship they enjoy and cherish. Instead, we can practice expressing how we feel and what we need in a way that supports the relationship. It’s almost like attending to the relationship as if it was an innocent baby. The needs of the relationship needs to come first. This can give way to an expanded heart that is not limited by the perceptions of the mind. Practicing this attitude and being aware of it not only helps the relationship but facilitates growth in both people.

2) Truly wanting to understand where the other is coming from

The truth is, both both people in the relationship are running their own versions of reality. So, your reality is valid for you, even if your partner can’t see it. Yet, if we don’t communicate what that reality is to them, they will respond to our reactions based on their own perception of what happened. We can’t change their perception but we can help them see our side without attacking them. We have to be willing to offer the same openness to them. For this to work, we have to genuinely want to understand where their behavior is coming from- in their own words. If we make it unsafe for them to share where they are at, then it is up to us to fix that so we can understand their side and have an opportunity to act with compassion. We have to be equally invested in them getting their needs met as much as we are in meeting our needs. When we practice this and model it for our partner, something magical happens: they start wanting to reciprocate this gift. The relationship blossoms into an entity of its own that spreads light to other people the couple encounters.

3) Making sure to have play time where no relationship topics are discussed

This was one of my self-proclaimed mistakes in my previous relationships. I was in processing mode all the time. I treated the relationship as a project that had a deadline. It can be a project but no one needs to work on it 24/7 without enjoying life together. In fact, in my past relationships, I had seen how detrimental “all work no play” attitude is. I thought we could break through patterns faster but that wasn’t true. It is the same with our personal growth journey. We expand and heal with play and joy just as much as with focused attention on our inner workings. There is something very special about laughing together. It is a bonding agent and it makes everything better- including sex. Lovers who play together stay together. This is extremely important.

I haven’t had a relationship that did not require work nor would I want to. The challenge becomes part of the beauty and the joy of the relationship when we do it willingly. For this, we must choose partners who are willing to be willing or are already willing when we meet them. This is a great criterion to look for when choosing a partner. Above all, being a willing partner without waiting for the other to do it first is one of the keys to a happy relationship. This, I know for sure…

Banu Sekendur, MA is an intuitive and a psychotherapist turned relationship coach. Her purpose is to help people grow personally and spiritually through the complexities of their relationships. You can contact her through website and Facebook.