People-pleasing, or as I like to call it, the Simon Says Syndrome, is when you put other people's wants, needs, and feelings before your own.
It is not a sickness, and definitely, not a mental disorder.
Like anything else, it’s a learned pattern from childhood that can be unlearned with proper guidance and a better understanding of what people-pleasing really is.
To do that, we need to debunk the biggest myth about people-pleasing.
Myth: People-pleasing is a Life Sentence
Absolutely not!
You may think that people-pleasing is who you are and that you will die that way. But that cannot be any further from the truth.
It won’t sting any less, though.
As a former people-pleaser, I know what it’s like to take your cues from the outside world… from every Tom, Dick, and Stanley in your life except yourself. Nothing hurts like not knowing HOW to listen to your own voice.
But here’s the good news.
People-pleasing is just a habit you developed as a survival tactic. Growing up, you needed to please Mom and Dad to survive. In fact, you did a smart thing.
But that was then, and you don’t need to “survive” anymore.
So, what really goes on in the mind of a people-pleaser?
If this resonates with your experience, ask yourself. Why do I seek validation from others? Why do I want their approval so much?
Once you identify the WHY(s), you will be better equipped with the HOW(s).
4 Reasons for People-pleasing: The WHY(s)
As I said earlier, people-pleasing comes from childhood conditioning and (highly) shows up in people who have an anxious attachment style. Let’s unpack it.
Do any of these sound like you?
- You don’t want to disappoint others because disappointing them and hurting other people's feelings means you are a “bad” person.
- You don’t want to feel left out or abandoned because doing things your way is uncool, frowned upon, or just plain … wrong.
- You are uncomfortable in your own skin because trusting yourself, your decisions, or your way of showing up in the world… is scary.
Or maybe,
- You don’t (really) know yourself because that means blocking out all external noise and turning inward – listening to the voice within.
And let's be honest. This journey is for the brave and the vulnerable.
I can think of a thousand other reasons why you need that green light from others. But it all boils down to one belief.
You don’t think you’re good enough.
And so, you need constant feedback or approval from others to remind you that you are!
4 Ways to Stop People-pleasing: The HOW(s)
People-pleasing is not the end-all-be-all.
Just like you learned to neglect your wants and needs by pleasing others, you can unlearn this pattern and prioritize taking better care of yourself.
Here is how you navigate these turbulent waters and reconnect with the most authentic you.
#1 Get to Know Yourself
This is the best time to rebuild a relationship with yourself.
Imagine for a moment that you are the only person on this planet. Forget everybody else. Right now, they DO NOT EXIST.
It is just you.
Ask yourself: Who am I really? Who do I want to be? What are my likes, dislikes, interests…? How do I want to carry myself? What ideas do I resonate with?
Do not rush the process. Go inward and enjoy spending time with yourself. Have fun with it.
#2 Start Loving Yourself
See this as an opportunity to fully and unconditionally love yourself.
You are expected to have many unmet needs at this point. Journal about them.
Why do I want other people's approval so badly? What unmet need is that reflecting in me? Is it the need to feel seen, loved, understood, or appreciated? How can I meet that need now?
Remind yourself that you are different. You are messy. You are precious. You are human.
Own it.
Embrace your differences and shortcomings. Dive deep into your shadows and learn to love your imperfections. They are the different expressions of YOU, and guess what; we all have them.
Easier said than done, I know. But the more you visit the parts of yourself you have rejected, the more you become accepting of your shadow self. This is how you can love all of you.
Plus, let’s face it. Being flawless is kind of boring.
#3 Make Peace
…with the idea that you can never be everybody's cup of tea. You just can’t. And that is okay.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, which say nothing about you, by the way.
But if other people’s thoughts hurt you, that’s where you need to do some digging and investigate.
If somebody says you’re stupid, ugly, or fat, and that hurts you, then deep down, you believe it, too.
Otherwise, if you are in a neutral place, you will see that, like oil and water, some people don’t mix well together. And it is nobody's fault.
Chemistry is something that cannot be forced. It’s either there or not.
#4 Learn to Set Healthy Boundaries
There is a big misconception around saying NO.
When you say no to someone, you are not rejecting the person. You are only saying no to their suggestion or request. You are choosing to prioritize your well-being over what they say to you or want from you in that moment.
Big difference.
Say your friend wants to grab a drink with you, but you don’t feel like leaving the house. What happens when you say no?
Are you really turning your friend down or just the idea of going out?
When guilt and overwhelm creep in, especially in the beginning, remind yourself that you have every right to communicate your needs. It is not wrong; just new.
By deciding what you will and will not accept, you teach people how to treat you and build stronger, more authentic connections with them.
In Conclusion
You can absolutely recover from people-pleasing. But it won’t happen overnight.
See it as a gift in disguise – a chance to reconnect with the parts of yourself you have lost touch with.
Like building muscle, you can reclaim your power. It just takes a little bit of practice.
The cherry on top? More like a Pinterest quote, really.
You only need your approval. Everyone else's is just a bonus.
