By Will Aylward | Tiny Buddha
“Our words create our world.” ~Rich Litvin
I remember when I was about seven years old, shouting spitefully at my mum, ‘’I wish you were dead, I hate you!” Her jaw dropped in disbelief, and I knew my words had hurt her, which made my young heart heavy.
I remember being fourteen years old asking my first crush, “H-h-hey, do you fancy going to the cinema with me this weekend? To my surprise, she said yes, which taught me there’s never any harm in asking for what you want.
Later this year, I’ll be standing proudly next to my beautiful almost-wife saying the words, “I do.” With those two simple little words, I’ll convey my love and commitment to her.
Words are powerful.
They have the potential to hurt and destroy and to enhance and create.
Since embracing this truth a few years ago, I’ve become more mindful of the words I use. That is, the words I speak and the words I think.
Here are four ways I’ve changed my words and as a result changed my life.
1. Swapping “I’ll try” for “I can, and I will.”
Back when I felt stuck in life, I was always trying.
Trying to lose weight.
Trying to get out of debt.
Trying to get my life back together.
It struck me that, in all the areas of my life I was trying to change, I wasn’t having much success.
I then looked at an area of my life I felt fulfilled in: my social life.
Partying all weekend every weekend was the perfect escapism I needed.
Drinking and partying masked my anxiety, making me forget about my money woes temporarily, and gave me the self-confidence I lacked when sober.
Interestingly, when friends asked me if I would be out at the weekend, I never replied, “I’ll try and make it.”
No! It was always, “I’ll be there! See you in the club, the first round is on me!”
Upon recognizing this pattern, I made a new rule for myself: to swap “I’ll try” with “I can or “I will.”
To no surprise, I started seeing improvements in my life. By saying “I can, and I will,” I somehow felt stronger and in control of my destiny.
My confidence grew too. I used to say to my gym buddy, “I’ll try to get to the gym on Thursday,” only to cancel last minute (having never really intended to go), and then beat myself up for it.
Thinking in terms of “I can/I will” gently forced me to be more decisive. I would then say “I will see you there” or “I will let you know by Tuesday.” If Tuesday came around and another commitment was more of a priority, I could communicate this clearly and without feeling bad for cancelling last minute. Switching from “try” to “can/will” caused me to ask, “What do I want to be committed to?”
The word “try” does still have a place in my vocabulary. I can call a restaurant on a Friday afternoon to try to get a reservation for the evening.
My rule is simple: I’ll never try to do something that’s in my full control.
It’s possible I could call the restaurant and they’re fully booked. The outcome is not in my control.
For anything that is in my control—exercising, writing, waking up early—I now use “I can” or “I will.”
2. Ask better questions.
Why am I so stuck?
When my anxiety, debt, and drinking were at their worst and I finally felt it was time for a change, this question stuck in my head for several days.
The answers I got were less than helpful…
Because you’re a loser.
Because you’ve got no discipline.
Because life is hard.
After several days of soul-searching and fed up with my lousy answers, ironically, a better question came to me: What if I’m asking myself the wrong question?
I closed my eyes and asked my mind to give me a better one.
What can I do today to move forward a little?
For the next few months, this became my question of choice. And each day, I moved forward just a little more, focusing on progress over perfection and solutions rather than the problem.
As Tony Robbins says, “Quality questions create a quality life. Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers.”
