Do you ever browse a menu and feel the siren call of those fancy dishes? You know the ones I'm talking about.
Hard-to-pronounce names? The kind of food topped with fruit that only grows atop a volcano or something?
You feel tempted but go for the same thing you always get. Sound familiar?
Well, there’s a reason why we often choose the familiar option even if we don't like it.
The Mind Has One Algorithm
Familiar vs Unfamiliar.
There is nothing scarier to the mind than chaos.
Therapist Marisa Peer says the mind only cares about keeping you alive as long as possible. It moves towards the familiar and away from anything unfamiliar. In other words, it craves predictability to feel safe and secure. This means an instinctive desire to control everything.
Think of the mind as a data-collecting machine. That is its job. Everything it experiences, it documents.
It registers things like fire equals hot or knife means sharp. It's constantly learning about how things work and how to navigate them.
So, the more information it gathers about something, the more it knows how to deal with it. That's where the phrase “better the devil you know” comes from.
When you experience something bad, your mind expects more of it and assumes the worst.
For example, if you play tennis for the first time and suck at it, your mind will learn from this event and form an assumption like: I suck at tennis.
It may even generalize and say: I'm not good at trying new things. Therefore, I shouldn't try anything new (unless I know I'll be good at it).
On some level, this (predictability) gives your mind security. That's why it doesn't like change. Could this explain why we want to control everything?
Let me tell you why. Actually, let a world-famous scientist and researcher tell you.
Emotional Addiction is Running the Show
According to Dr. Joe Dispenza, the author of Becoming Supernatural, your habitual patterns – thoughts, feelings, and actions – are hardwired into your brain and body.
Any thought (you think) or emotion (you feel) translates into a chemical response in the body.
The more you think the same thoughts and feel the same feelings, the more of the same chemicals your body produces.
In time, these thoughts and feelings become habitual (a.k.a. familiar) because you get addicted to the chemicals they produce.
And here's the interesting bit.
The minute you decide to change, say think different thoughts, you create an imbalance. The new thoughts in your brain no longer match the old feelings in your body.
So, like a person addicted to drugs, your body signals distress to your brain because it craves the chemicals it is addicted to. That's when your brain starts churning out the same old familiar thoughts, making change very hard for you.
Notice how the word ‘familiar' keeps popping up? This is exactly how it plays out in real life.
Let's Take a Classic Case Scenario
Say you've always had emotionally absent partners.
You like a person. They seem to like you back. They're somewhat aloof, but you're into it.
Before you get the chance to feel comfortable, they start getting less and less available. Suddenly, they're always busy, canceling dates, wanting to keep things casual with a cold “let's not put a label on it” attitude.
When you try to ask for something (anything!), they lash out and pull away some more. You feel guilty and try harder to accommodate them. You shrink. In fact, you're absent in this relationship with a “please don’t leave me” sign stamped on your forehead.
Maybe that works for a bit.
But then, faster than you could say ‘Jack Robinson,' they leave.
It's a painful cycle, and you're sick of it. You want to do something to break free but just …can’t.
This pattern is familiar to you
The security of knowing how the story ends – in this case, your partner's flakiness and emotional unavailability – gives your mind the illusion that you will stay safe that way.
They can't hurt you if you know all their tricks, right?
So, when you meet someone different from this pattern, you will feel very uncomfortable. And your mind will fight you tooth and nail.
Don’t be surprised if you suddenly start finding flaws in the person – little things that don't matter much but are enough to have you running the other way.
You might come up with excuses for not dating them altogether, saying things like “It's not a good time for me right now,” “I don't feel that spark,” or the classic “It’s not you, it’s me.”
You might even go overboard with this and romanticize past partners you know are bad for you. That’s familiarity for ya!
As Alejandro Jodorowsky put it, like a bird born in a cage (the familiar), you suddenly think flying (the unfamiliar) is a disease.
So, how can we let go of this attachment to the familiar?
The Double D Factor: Decide, then Do.
Letting go of what no longer serves us is like dying to our old self.
In the words of Dr. Joe Dispenza:
Once we understand that crossing the river of change is the biological, neurological, chemical, and even genetic death of the old self, we have power over change, and we can set our sights on the other side of the river.
Before anything, we have to want to cross the river.
Our desire to get to the other side must be greater than our familiar thoughts of I am not good enough, I don't deserve good things, I will never get what I want, life is suffering, or things never get better.
We have to want to drop the victim stories before replacing them with more empowering ones.
And it’s not just with thoughts, but also with feelings.
We have to want to go beyond our familiar feelings of guilt, shame, anger, pain, fear, and unworthiness.
Because that’s the thing – just by deciding to change, we already roll the dice in our favor.
So, first, decide.
I find it interesting how intention literally means deciding and then doing.
‘Intention' comes from the Latin root intendere or intentio, which has a double meaning: “stretching” and “purpose.”
Anytime we set an intention, we are symbolically saying, I am stretching myself beyond my current state. This is us deciding to cross the river, leaving the old behind.
The other side is our purpose, and it will mean something different for everyone. It could be a new way of thinking, a realization, or a rerouting of paths.
We get to the other side by doing the inner healing work.
How to Let Go of Control
In the words of Carl Jung, Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.
That’s why the inner work is a game changer.
It is when we prepare to explore the deepest, darkest, most hidden parts of ourselves – our subconscious thoughts and feelings. And let me tell you, that’s no walk in the park.
By asking ourselves a series of questions, we peel back all the layers and get to the core of who we really are – the real us.
Sadly, I won’t sugarcoat it. Letting go of control is well… scary. But refusing to let go is like holding onto the rails of a rollercoaster. It’ll give you some ‘serious' friction burn and, let's be honest, a really bad time.
So, the best way to shed any unwanted pattern is to figure out WHY we developed it in the first place. This means asking difficult questions, revisiting memories, and making choices.
Am I willing to try something new? Am I willing to let go of the old story (and pain)? Am I willing to experience things outside my comfort zone? Am I willing to flap my wings and fly?
As with all introspection, there are no right or wrong answers. The point of this exercise is to get you comfortable with letting go of TOTAL control.
Burn through these journaling prompts at your own pace
•How do I feel about the “it didn't go as planned” phrase?
•Do I feel stressed or anxious? Do I feel like I failed and didn't measure up to what I was going for? Do I feel weak, like I can't get anything right?
•Do I feel relieved, like finally something is taken off my plate?
•What am I scared will happen when (or if) I let go of control?
•Take the “What's the worst that can happen” thought and run with it.
•What is the worst thing I think can or will happen if I loosen my grip a little bit? Do I believe I'll fail? I'll not get what I want? I'll lose myself?
Don’t force yourself to get everything out in one sitting. Just set an intention to remain open to whatever wants to come up and always be honest with yourself.
It’s okay if you feel like your mind races during this practice. It may try to distract you from this experience of being present by pushing you to overthink and criticize. This is perfectly normal.
Don’t fight it. Just acknowledge that your mind is trying to keep you safe and say to it, “It's alright. I don't need to do that anymore.”
When you tell your mind that it’s only scary because it’s new, you let this new sensation or experience in.
The more you say this to yourself when old (familiar) thoughts creep in, the better you get at rowing your boat to the other side.
Stay consistent, and never forget to show yourself compassion – lots and lots of compassion.
Final Thoughts
I’ve found that this whole shadow work/healing business is not JUST about getting “there,” in this case, leaving the nest of familiarity. It’s also about making peace with being “here.”
The REAL goal of all this is building a relationship with ourselves.
Yes, it’s nice to cross the river, but who's to say there aren't any other rivers to cross?
What if we made it about the journey …and the destinations – pleural? What if we turned setting intentions into a habit and allowed the answers to flow without force?
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and THIS – learning and unlearning – deciding and doing – staying and flying – holding on and letting go …is our Rome!
