Finding Out Why a Man Pulls Away Before He Commits to You

The one thing I’ve noticed, and speaking from a women’s perspective is we like to ‘overdo’ things. We are overachievers. Whether it be in thinking, or committing, analyzing situations and messages, or even down to the planning of what should have been a simple dinner get together but suddenly turned into a 5 couple weekend? Madness.

I don’t know why we are programmed like this, I’ve put it down to being the caring half of a relationship and thus wanting everything to be perfect and ensuring everyone is happy. For my husband and I, being married going on 13 years now, we certainly had our fair share of unnecessarily tense moments, and I’ll explain why they were unnecessary.

We began seeing each other while working at the same restaurant, as most couples tend to meet being around each other all the time, and things were great for so long until there was a shift. I was all for taking ‘us’ to the next level as it were and assumed he did too, but this was not the case and came as a shock to me when he blurted he needed ‘some time.’ What?

Reality check.

I was gobsmacked, and this bomb drop is in most situations the trigger for the avalanche of analysis to begin. I went over every situation, scenario, comment, or message each had made and couldn’t figure out why it had come to this after all this time?

One evening I was having a cocktail moan and vent session with my girlfriends at dinner and a comment one of them made hit me like a lightning bolt, she said; ‘did it ever occur to you that ‘he’ may have the issue and it has nothing to do with you?’ I’ll be honest this had never crossed my mind, I instantly thought I’d said something and it scared him off.

So, after a few more than 2 mimosas (check here https://www.olivemagazine.com/recipes/cocktails-and-drinks/3-ingredient-cocktails/ for some quick and easy cocktail recipes if you’re in the need for a ‘session’ with the gals) I decided I was going to phone him.

And let’s be real ladies, nobody wants to get a phone call at 2 am from a drunken partner confessing things they won’t remember when the sun rises. But somehow this worked, and, he was still awake. I rambled on about all things under the sun, and he let me, when I was done he simply said 3 words that changed the course of where we are today; you are right.

Another shock to the system but that’s a story for another time. This was about his self-realization of memories that were holding him back, keeping him tied to bad experiences, and affecting his future and essentially his commitment to me, to us.

There are many reasons why men can’t commit or don’t want to, you can see some comments in this link of what they have to say about the subject and how they or their partner may have handled it. Some are more serious than others, a few just need a bit of guidance back onto the right path, let’s have a look at a few reasons that kept popping up when asking around.

• This may sound like an excuse but it can be real. You may have dated all through high school and gone to the same college, but as the graduation looms and you’ve realized you want different things, taking that next step could just be ‘the straw that breaks the camel’s back’ as they say. Assess the situation and communicate.
• He may have grown up in a home where his single mother couldn’t hold down a man and he had no father figure. He could be afraid of not meeting your standards or being the version of a man society projects to be correct, so rather than giving it a go, it is easier to run.
• Experience. Going through a separation and break up with someone who you thought to be your ‘forever’ and then they weren’t can feel like your heart and emotions have been shattered. For those who this may have happened to they aren’t likely to be jumping back in with 2 feet again anytime soon.

Don’t feel like you are alone and having to deal with all these things by yourself, take a quick look at a great article from the Breakup Shop – How to understand your man, and take a weight off. Life is too short to be walking around with heavy shoulders when there are perfectly reasonable explanations for situations, how you got in them, and more importantly to get out.

When it all comes down to the nitty-gritty of things there is a reason, understanding the manual is the only way the cupboard is going to get built, am I right? Nobody is perfect, we all have flaws, working through it together or finding the cause of the result is a good start to begin a new chapter.

Commitment.

No, it isn’t the scary word some people portray or think to run for the hills with, the more in-depth explanation can be found here https://psychology.wikia.org/wiki/Commitment, but essentially it is the decision and acceptance to do something or be with someone.  Consciously you are aware of your choice and with the act of ticking the box, you take with it the responsibility of your actions whether physical or emotional.