Over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce and many that don’t end in divorce are still less than ideal. There are many causes for the dissolution of relationships; communication is a skill that can help bridge differences and define expectations. Before shopping for engagement rings, establishing rules of engagement in communication will decrease your odds of becoming another divorce statistic.
We humans live with a bit of a conundrum. Inside our skulls we have, the most complex object in the known universe and the most sophisticated computational device known to science. But at the same time, we have communicative tools (our faces, voices, hands, body language, and pheromones) that are relatively limited. Sure, we still have arguably the most complex set of communication adaptations in the animal kingdom- but compared to the complexity of our brains- effective communication is like trying to pump an ocean through a sippy straw.
The problem is, we have a whole universe of thoughts and feelings inside our headtop computers and a very limited capacity to get those thoughts out and communicate them to the people closest to us. Probably the best communication tool we have is the novel. But unless you’re a working novelist and have a partner willing to read your books- that’s off the table.
Here, we want to discuss five important ways you can improve your ability to communicate with your partners. These are simple things you can do to 1. Communicate that you want to better understand your partner, and 2. Actually, understand your partner more than you do now.
1. Lay Down Some Rules for Talking Out Disagreements
If you find yourself disagreeing with your spouse or partner and your feelings are getting heated- you have to realize that your relationship may be on thin ice. The first thing you should do is mutually agree to take the subject matter seriously.
Consider setting the conversation aside until both of you have calmed down. Your attitude should be something like, ‘We need to talk this out, but we will wait until we can do so respectfully.
You should have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to less than nice things coming out of your mouth within the context of a charged topic. That’s rule number one.
2. Show Respect, Expect Respect, Pay Attention
Once you have sat down to have your emotionally charged discussion, understand that you are on dangerous ground. Your posture, your tone, and the words you use should be chosen respectfully.
Take your attention away from all other activities. It may be acceptable to drink a beverage or smoke a cigarette, but your phone should not be involved. Your task is to show your partner that you take her or his thoughts and feelings seriously.
At the same time, you are displaying the level of attention and respect that you expect to receive. If you are dealing with someone who is not as willing as you are to understand and attend, then some additional relationship-related groundwork needs doing.
3. Do Not Interrupt or Attempt to Finish Their Sentences
You may believe you know what your partner is going to say before he or she says it. You may even be right once in a while. It’s normal for long-time partners to have that ability. However, in the context of a conversation on a sensitive subject- finishing their sentences can be a sign of disrespect.
It is a gesture that says, ‘There’s no need for you to speak.’ Clearly, that’s a mistake when dealing with sensitive subject matter. Always assume you are about to hear something you don’t know.
4. Ask For Clarification
One of the rules of engagement you might consider using is the “Strong Man” maneuver. This is the opposite of the “straw man” move where you try to make the other person’s points sound foolish. By strong-manning the other person’s arguments, you present the best possible version of their points, thoughts, and statements that you can come up with.
In logic, we call this arguing in good faith. It means we assume the other party means well, is well-intentioned, and has thought their position through. Doing this shows respect and can diffuse tensions very quickly.
5. Expect Mutual Dignity
If you apply the strong man maneuver, you will make destructive statements impossible as long as both parties are well-meaning. If one person is trying to dominate the other, or “win” the argument, it won’t work.
By expecting mutual dignity, displaying listening cues, and strong manning her or his points- you set the stage for one of two things to happen:
1. You talk things out respectfully and constructively, or
2. You discover that either you or your partner are not arguing in good faith.
In the first circumstance, you’ll both be better off together. In the second, you may discover that you are in an unhealthy relationship. Either way- you’ll know better how to go forward from there.
Even if you “win” an argument, you will be living with a defeated person- and that is not a healthy outcome. Your goal should be to discover truths, solve problems, and improve life for both of you.
Good luck.
