Want to Know the Main Reason Relationship Break Ups Sting? (This Will Create a Big “Aha”)

Written by on April 15, 2016 in Conscious Living, Relationships & Sex with 7 Comments
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The breakup-compressed

By Jordan Gray | Jordan Gray Consulting

This question came in from a reader yesterday…


“I’ve been sleeping with a guy for the past ten months, I communicated to him early on that I was looking for something more serious and he seemed open to it. But every time I brought up the conversation of taking our relationship to the next level he would shy away from it with some excuse like ‘I feel like we’re still figuring each other out’ or ‘I just got out of something significant and my heart is still healing’… meanwhile we were still shacking up at least once per week for most of the year.

Related Article: 5 Things Respectful Relationships Do Differently

Anyways, fast forward to two months ago, he says he doesn’t really feel like seeing me anymore and it stings. I didn’t like hearing it but I could understand the idea that I needed to be okay with it and give him what he needed. Then two days ago I find out he’s dating someone new and he’s in a Facebook-official relationship with her. He dates this woman for (AT MOST!) two months and he’s already saying he’s publicly in a relationship with her whereas he wouldn’t even privately say he was in a relationship with me for the ten months we slept together.

I have been absolutely devastated by this news. I don’t know if I was successfully numbing my feelings when we ‘broke up’ two months ago and just not aware of it, or if something new has been bubbling up for me… but it hurts SO much more that he’s dating someone new and seemingly totally comfortable telling all of his friends about her.

What’s happening here? Why is it so painful now and not two months ago?”


Ahhhh… the delayed onset pain of semi-break ups. You are not alone in this experience.

Here’s the long and the short of it…

You suffer in a break up to the degree that you became unlike yourself during the relationship.

What do I mean by this?

I mean that, on some level, you knew every single time (with absolute clarity) that when you slept together your needs were not being met. Even if the sex was amazing… and you orgasmed ten times every time… and he had the most perfect stubble that instantly made you wet, you weren’t happy. Even if some of your physiological needs were being met, your standards weren’t being met because you knew you wanted more from your relationship dynamic.

So every time you had a message being sent up to you from your heart/gut/intuition telling you “Stop sleeping with this guy if he isn’t your partner! You want a committed intimacy and he isn’t offering you that!” you came back with “Yeah, yeah, intuition… I know… but maybe this is the week that he’ll cave and I’ll be able to change his mind.”

Related Article: Four Ways to Improve Your Relationship With The Law of Attraction

The compounding effects of your intuition being ignored very likely started to erode your self of self, your self-esteem, and your overall sense of self-worth.

And when it came out that this white knight was dating someone else, and being public about it, it most likely simultaneously triggered your feelings of unworthiness and it gave your heart full permission to throw a shit-fit and scream things like “You dishonoured yourself/your standards for ten months, and now he has happily hopped into a real relationship with someone who he feels compelled by. Fuck me.”

This may come across as somewhat harsh, but it needs to be said.

Your heart hates it when you chronically ignore it’s messages. You knew what you wanted, you weren’t getting it, and yet you stayed.

And guess what? It isn’t entirely their fault. Every time we try to place blame on someone else (“Well they’re just inconsiderate/an asshole/they were taking advantage of me!”, etc.) we avoid taking responsibility for our part in the relationship.

Yes, they might have done some terrible things. But if you allowed someone to repeatedly engage in a relationship dynamic that wasn’t serving you, then at a certain point, it becomes up to you to pick up and say, “This isn’t enough for me. This isn’t what I want, and it hurts me to engage with you like this. I have to go now. Byyyyeeeeee!”

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7 Reader Comments

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  1. 499535683551249@facebook.com' Gregory Peter Boyce says:

    Care so much for her and getting emotionally abused. She’s always thinking I’m controlling her. Not true just want her happy instead. Time to leave for good.

  2. 373252342855101@facebook.com' BlogFactory says:

    Always adore everything like this

  3. 10153597412941172@facebook.com' Carolyn Gauff Gilde says:

    This was totally an aha!!!

  4. 10155946922580014@facebook.com' AdEla Muci says:

    Ah so true ! I just walked away from the same situation!!! So glad i did! Everyday it gets better! 🙂

  5. 946886612073688@facebook.com' Alyssa Hunt says:

    Yea. I didn’t honor myself. My heart was telling me that he was incapable of the empathy and compassion I need in a relationship so my needs weren’t getting met at all. But I stayed. He would apologize and I would fall for it. He would say he would try and I fell for it. I expressed my concern that he lacked the empathy and Compassion I needed and he verbally attacked me. He was materially generous but emotionally stingy. I feel angry at myself for not listening to my heart.

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