3 Powerful Paradigm Shifts To Turn Your Relationship Around (& Keep It Strong)


happiness-300x274-compressedMost of us have heard the statement that we are responsible for our own happiness. And while we generally believe it, it’s sometimes a little hard to remember when our lives are so intertwined with our partner and what they say and do has such a profound effect on us.

What we forget is that likely when we met our partners, we were regularly doing the things that made us the happy person that they were drawn to. And, then ‘life’ gets in the way and we forget to do the things that inject happiness in us and we look to the other person to make us happy. Which of course, we know they cannot do.

Happiness is entirely an inside job.

Paradigm Shift #1

Many years ago I heard a speaker talk about something he called the White Hot Imperative. The White Hot Imperative is something that is imperative to your happiness. It is something that you do for yourself that brings you joy. For some it may be gardening, or playing golf, or scrap booking, or going to church, Whatever it happens to be, it is the thing that we MUST do for ourselves that brings us joy.

The joy derived from doing it rejuvenates us and then we naturally bring that joy into the relationship.

Here is something to be mindful about and see if any of these subtle behaviors apply to you. People sometimes give up their White Hot Imperative or they guilt their partner into giving up theirs.

Recently I was talking with a client that said whenever it was time for him to play hockey with his buddies, something would come up to make him choose whether he should stay home or play. He felt that if he chose to play hockey, there was a price to pay. His wife would be silently angry. So over time, he just decided to quit playing hockey in order to avoid the silent anger and sadly in the process he leeched himself of joy.

HappinessIt’s a subtle game that people sometimes play with each other to test their partner. Will they choose me or their favorite activity? This form of manipulation has short-lived benefits. The initial high of ‘being chosen’ will soon be replaced by an undercurrent of resentment if the partner feel unsafe to have independent joyful experiences.

A critical error that couples sometimes make is that they feel they have to do everything together. If you love to jog and your partner does not love jogging, don’t make them join you. It is not disrespectful of your partner because they don't like to jog. Let them be in that which makes them happy. If they enjoy tinkering in the garage, let them tinker. You, go jog.

Allow and encourage your partner to do what generates happiness in themselves and they will bring that happiness into the relationship. YOU do what generates happiness for you and you will naturally bring that to the relationship. Serve your relationship by doing what makes you happy.

Paradigm Shift #2

In a relationship, there are 3 entities. There is the entity of you. There is the entity of the other person and then there is the entity of the relationship. When making decisions, if you make decisions that serve the relationship, you will find that power struggles subside.

This is how you would do this:

Be honest about what it is you want. Invite them to be honest about what they want. Now with both of you having been heard and understood, ask yourselves, “What is in the highest service to our relationship?”

When you make decisions based on serving the relationship in it’s highest, you will find that the need for one persons way to win and the other persons way to lose dissolves. It's not two people taking from one another to get their way; it is two people in service to the higher order – which is the relationship.

You will find that your individual needs will also be served this way because it is in the higher order to the relationship that each person expresses and communicates their needs.

Make decisions that are in the highest interest of the 3rd entity – the relationship.

Paradigm Shift #3

It's normal for couples to go through periods of time where they're experiencing some form of anger. Understanding where anger comes from is important.

There are 2 governing states in which we create our emotions from. One state is love and the other state is fear. Everything else is a variation on the continuum between these two states. Anger sits on the ‘fear’ side of the continuum.

So, when you are angry, know that there is an underlying fear that may be causing this. The invitation here is to go into deeper inquiry within oneself. Ask yourself, “What about my situation makes me afraid?” Get into truth with that. You may surprise yourself about what you learn.

Once you have identified the underlying fear, ask yourself the likelihood of your fear occurring. You will see the chances of it occurring are so small that you will feel the fear automatically start dissolving.

How to Let Go of AngerAnger is normal. Simply pause and identify the underlying fear behind the anger and observe its likelihood of occurrence. The anger and fear once properly identified automatically start dissolving on it’s own.

Heighten the quality of your communication by sharing your discoveries with your partner. As you fall into deeper trust (which can only come from being both vulnerable and honest), you will find you both soften into a deeper relationship with more meaningful and valuable dialogue.

You chose this very perfect partner to be your teacher in expanding you to new points of view, to be your teacher in compromise, your teacher in peace, your teacher in forgiveness, your teacher in receiving. Your sacred partner is the person who has come to help you discover these god-like qualities in yourself.


Editor's Note: Listen to Farhana's interview on the Conscious Life Awakened Speaker Series (CLASS).  Sign up here for free and get access to the replay.


Farhana Dhalla 172x204
Farhana Dhalla is a #1 Best Selling Author, International Life Coach & Speaker, and Creator of the transformational Thank You for Leaving Me Journey. She is the visionary and leader of the enlightened divorce movement and  the ultimate ‘go to’ person for shifting perspective. As a ‘suddenly single mom’ to three small children, she intimately knows the overwhelming fear and pain – -and the liberation of stepping into the highest version of oneself. Check out her free webinar Divorce Is Not Your Fault and connect with her on Twitter and Facebook

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  1. Chuckhammond3@gmail.com' Chuck Hammond says:

    Great write up, like we were directed to this article. Good words to practice. They can’t do anything but help!

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