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Sex Coach, Jordan Gray Tells You How to Give Her the Best Oral Sex of Her Life

By Jordan Gray | Jordan Gray Consulting

Ah, vagina...

My entire body is washed with a wave of the warm-and-fuzzies just writing the word.

For me, going down on a woman I love often feels like sitting down to a steak dinner after 40 days in the desert. There’s just something about the idea that sets me on fire, which has led me to talk with some experts and research various techniques over the years.

In my research for this article, it turns out that a lot of (i.e. the majority) women are used to bad oral sex. One woman I interviewed even said, “With a lot of guys, I’d rather them just not. Some men seem to be absolutely hopeless with oral sex.”

A lot of guys see oral sex as a brief pit stop en route, rather than a main destination, so they don’t put much energy into honing their skills.

This is all good news for you. Because if you put even a little bit of effort into sorting out your approach and technique, you’ll set yourself miles ahead of the pack. When you’re through, she’ll be blissed out, panting and doe-eyed, looking at you like you’re an absolute rock star.

And if you can do it well, it’s a hell of a lot of fun. There’s just something about being able to drive a woman wild with your mouth (and hands) alone that feels like having a legitimate superpower.

Want to give a woman the best oral sex of her life? Here is the low down on going down.

Related Article: Express Your Love: 7 Easy Steps To Rock Her World Orally

Best Oral Sex Of Her Life: Preparation 

For best results, you’ll want to get her totally relaxed, comfortable, and in her body. Make sure she can lie back and let every muscle go. Set her up with a few pillows if she wants to be propped up for comfort, or get a better view if that’s what turns her on. If she’s a squirter, put down a sex blanket so that she can really let go without worrying about leaving a wet spot on the sheets.

Lightly massage, touch, and kiss her whole body. Tell her what parts you find sexy. Lavish her with genuine praise. Let your excitement show.

Just as important as making sure she is physically comfortable is settling in and ensuring that you are physically comfortable. Position yourself so that you’ll avoid any neck, hand, or forearm cramping for as long as possible. I mean it… get comfy.

Settle in with the mindset of “I’m gonna be here alllllll night” and she will respond to your level of relaxation and relishing.

Best Oral Sex Of Her Life: Creating Dynamic Tension

Some guys will jump head first off the high dive into her lap and start lapping her up like their lives depended on it. There’s a time and a place for that, but her experience will be way more pleasurable if you start out very, very slow.

This leaves room for you to build the intensity and experience, much like a musician. A piece of music rarely starts with the crescendo. Otherwise there would be no payoff. All my favourite songs build slowly, rising and falling, adding more elements along the way, until they finally explode in flourishing sonic orgasm.

The simplest, most on-point metaphor for this was given to me by an instructor of Tibetan Tantra. Imagine that your sexual arousal is a pot full of water. Men have a tiny saucepan, while women have giant stockpots. While a guy can happily hit a rolling boil in no time at all, a woman needs more time to heat up. Again, there are times where she’ll be down to ravenously jump right into it with zero foreplay, but this is a solid rule of thumb for a reason.

By starting slow and switching up the intensity from high to low, and low to high, you create sexual tension, which eventually spills over in the form of orgasm(s).

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Working The Clitoris

The clitoris is a gateway to some of the most insane levels of peak pleasure a woman could ever experience. It has around 8,000 nerve endings, which is more than twice what the penis has.

Women can sustain orgasms of length and intensity that men will simply never know (caveat: men can also become multi-orgasmic with a little bit of effort, but women still get the sweeter end of the stick in terms of orgasmic/peak arousal). So if you’re ignoring it, or are simply uninformed, you’re missing out on a massive treasure chest of sexual experience.

Like most things in life, there’s more to the clitoris than meets the eye. It’s more like an iceberg than a button. The little pea-shaped bulb that pops out over top of the vaginal opening is actually just the tip of it. It’s actually more of a wishbone shape, with two shafts that run down either side between her opening and hip creases. Rhythmically massaging this area before or while using your tongue is a great way to stimulate blood flow and add to the fullness of sensation.

That said, the tip of the clitoris is definitely a magic sweet spot. It’s slightly cloaked by a protective hood, so when you’re ready to really turn it up (generally at least 5-10 minutes into it), you’ll want to pull that back. There are two most comfortable ways to do this:

1. Wrap either arm around and over her thigh and place your thumb and index finger on either side of the clit. With the tips of your fingers pointing downwards to create ample room for your mouth

2. Without wrapping around, simply place the thumb and index finger in the same place, on either side, with fingers also pointing downwards

When you gently pull up and slightly outward, you’ll get maximum nerve exposure on the clit and start driving her wild.

There are other key internal erogenous zones (I’ll write a deep dive article on G-spot and cervical orgasms sooner than later), but a decent percentage of women can’t orgasm without some form of clitoral stimulation taking place. Give the little cutie the attention, love, and respect it deserves.

Related Article: How to Bring a Woman to Orgasm With a Tantric Clitoral Massage

Best Oral Sex Of Her Life: Techniques

Warm her up by keeping your touch gentle and slow-motion. Kiss, lick and tease her thighs and the sides of her pussy. Softly make out with it exactly like you would her mouth. Stop and use just your fingers for a little bit. Trace slow circles on her clit, then switch to rapid lateral micro-strokes, as if you were trying to gently rub a small stain out of your t-shirt. Using your middle and ring finger together works best here.

When you go back to using your tongue, add a finger or two to stroke her G-spot on the first few inches of the upper inside wall of her pussy. Try matching pace and pressure with your fingers and tongue and then contrasting slow, firm strokes with your fingers and rapid flicks of the tongue.

And when I say firm strokes, I mean firm. When you’re more than a few minutes into stimulating her, it’s nearly impossible to go too hard with a few fingers. Think about it: babies come out of there. It can handle a lot of stress. Some of the best orgasms I’ve given women were when I was giving it every ounce of strength I had.

Once you build intensity, slow way back down to how you started out and then quickly build back up. Playing with differences in speed and pressure will give her stronger (and often multiple) orgasms.

You can increase the oral intensity once in a while by flexing your tongue and leaning into her while you lick. When you’re doing this in the heat of the moment, you can try pushing into her clit with a firm tongue and shaking your head vigorously from side to side, kind of like a paint shaker. Doing this for too long can rattle your brain a little bit, but it’s often very effective in short bursts.

Also try pulling the whole clit into your mouth and slowly sucking on it like you’re pulling a milkshake through a straw. Some women love this and some don’t. You’ll just have to throw it in once in a while to test the waters. And always avoid using your teeth at all costs.

While you’re using your tongue, try switching between accompanying stimulation, such as massaging her thighs, pulling back the clitoral hood, stimulating the G-spot with fingers and pushing up on the backs of her knees to change the angle and position of stimulation.

There are no hard-and-fast rules here for structure and order. You just have a toolbox that you can pull and switch from whenever you choose. If you use your intuition, communicate with her about what she likes and wants, and LISTEN to her response as you’re going down on her, you can’t go wrong. Notice what makes her breathe harder and deeper.

Just remember, the slower you build, the more intense her orgasms will be. And just like it is for men, the more the person giving oral is truly into it, the hotter it is and the faster the recipient will likely hit climax. So if you’re going to go down, simultaneously act like you’ve got all the time in the world, and unleash yourself and go all the way.

Relax Your Jaw 

Stamina is the biggest key to great oral. One of the biggest secrets to being able to stick with it is to totally relax your jaw. The tendency most men have while licking is to clench up, which is what causes most guys to quickly burn out and not make it to the payoff.

Let it hang completely loose and flick your tongue independently of any jaw tension. If you cramp up easily, you may have a lot of stored jaw tension that you need to release. To help open that up, check out tip #3 in my article 7 Stretches For Better Sex.

Multiple Orgasms

Most guys can’t handle, nor do they want, any stimulation after they’ve had an orgasm. For confirmation, just search memes for “when you nut and she still sucking”. It’s worth a laugh.

But for women it’s usually quite different. Sometimes maintaining stimulation after orgasm can cause you to cruise right into another one. Or, you might be able to dial back stimulation for a few seconds and then ramp it right back up again to bring her to climax. I find this works relatively often.

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Do You Have a ‘Lone Wolf’ Mentality? Here’s How It’s Hurting You and How to You Can Shift

By Jordan Gray | Jordan Gray Consulting

Do you consider yourself a lone wolf?

If you do, I have a message for you…

Our society is currently sick.

People are feeling increasingly isolated and alone. Our sense of community has been eroded.

We have been given the message that you have to look out for yourself, first and foremost. That you have to mind your own business, put your head down, work hard, and take care of your own needs. Don’t worry about others. Don’t ask others to worry about you. Go it alone. The weight of the burden rests on your shoulders alone.

And, as a result…

Male suicide rates are rising… and they’re the highest they’ve been since 2001.

Every day in the United States alone, 121 people kill themselves. On average, 93 of those (75+%) are men. It doesn’t take a mathematician to figure out that that is an overwhelming majority.

While there are factors outside of the lone wolf mentality that contribute to suicide rates (less people are getting married, divorces are rising, the economy struggles, etc.), I see it as by far the biggest.

In 1984 when people were asked how many close confidantes they had (i.e. how many people they felt deeply safe sharing intimate personal information with) the average number was three. When the exact same study was done just a few years ago, the most common response was zero. In other words, people are feeling increasingly isolated and alone.

The Lone Wolf Mentality

The lone wolf lives by the beliefs that they have to do life alone… that no one truly has their back… that everyone’s just in it for themselves.

The lone wolf may feel like asking others for support is unnecessary, unfair, weak, pathetic, or dependent.

The lone wolf strategy is also commonly a childhood survival mechanism that served them at a time when it made sense (for example, their parents didn’t really raise them and so they felt like they had to raise themselves) but they are unwilling to let go of because their ego fears it’s own collapse.

By allowing others to support us, we must be willing to trust. To surrender. To believe that life is more than just about serving our own needs.

The health risks of living as a lone wolf are massive.

One study showed that chronic social isolation is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, or being an alcoholic, or never exercising, and twice as bad as being clinically obese.

One thing is for sure, chronic isolation is a killer.

It shortens your life span, erodes the quality of your daily life, and negatively impacts your sense of happiness and resiliency.

How The Lone Wolf Life Looks

The lone wolf life is chiefly interested in it’s own needs.

Because no one else looks out for the lone wolf, they must spend an exhausting amount of time, energy, and resources getting their own needs met and fighting for what’s theirs.

Other people are often seen as an obstacle or threat. The lone wolf is always on the lookout for other people moving in on their scarce resources. The overarching mindset being one of, ‘Everyone’s just in it for themselves, so why should I trust anyone anyways?’

This hyper vigilant, threat-seeking way of living is exhausting. At a certain point, the lone wolf either becomes depressed, burnt out, suicidal, or just plain miserable. Either that or they build a bomb shelter and live out of it, eating canned beans until the inevitable apocalypse comes.

Benefits Of Being Deeply Connected To A Tribe

If you’ve been deeply entrenched in the lone wolf mentality for some time now, it might not seem as appealing to give it up (if you haven’t reached your breaking point of frustration or aloneness).

Here are a few benefits that come from giving up the lone wolf mentality, and allowing yourself to be in community.

– A thriving social life is good for your health.

In the now famous 75-year long Harvard study on what it is that makes people happy, the number one determining factor was relationships. More than any other single factor, the closeness and quality of your relationships keeps you alive longer and improves the quality of your life the most, day to day.

– You make more money.

People with a greater depth and breadth of social contacts make more money.

When you really think about it, money is born of relationships. People buy from people. People invest in people. Whether you run your own business, or you work in sales, or you’re a service provider of any kind… people work with you/hire you/pay you because of how connected they feel to you.

Regardless of what industry you work in, you can try this out. Double down the effort you put into your relationships, and you will see your income and career opportunities skyrocket.

– You are more resilient to the inevitable stressors of life.

Social connectivity serves many functions in your life… one of which is providing you a source of support during challenging times.

Challenging situations will arise in your life. People you love will die. You will get laid off from work. You might get kicked out of the place you live in. You may get diagnosed with an illness.

When these things happen, having a strong social support network will make you more resilient to the challenges being presented to you.

How To Overcome Your Lone Wolf Tendencies

The truth is that humans are a social species.

We thrive when we are in community. We thrive when we feel like there are people who see us, believe in us, and have our backs. We thrive when we are supported and loved by others.

Yes, everyone needs some alone time in their lives. There is nothing wrong with that. The problem arises when someone begins to identify as the lone wolf and slowly loses any sense of connectivity with others in their lives.

Yes, you can get by as a lone wolf for a time. But without a tribe, it is impossible to thrive.

Here are three powerful ways that you can start pushing back against your lone wolf tendencies.

1. Fight like hell to create a social life

Step number one in giving up the lone wolf mentality is to allow yourself to cultivate a rich social life.

I wrote a whole post about this recently (How To Make Friends As An Adult)… but the long and the short of it is this: go to events, join clubs, join groups, invest in old hobbies that you love but have de-prioritized, re-engage with old friends. Simply put, extend a lot. Be kind to others. Share yourself vulnerably. Let people see you, and become deeply interested in the worlds of others.

This will likely require huge amounts of courage, effort, and time… and it will be worth it.

2. Extend to others and offer support

When you have a few friends on your roster, put in a genuine effort to continue to invest in those relationships. It’s akin to watering a garden… put energy into the relationships and they will give energy back to you.

One of the key things that you can do to keep the momentum in your relationships going is to regularly extend to your friends and offer them support.

If you’ve done a good job at understanding them, and knowing their needs, wants, and goals, then it should become easy to know or predict what they might need help with.

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5 Steps to Giving a Woman an Amazing, Sensual Massage (Male Sex Coach Shares Advice)

By Jordan Gray | Jordan Gray Consulting

If you want to give a woman the night of her life and turn her into a blissed-out puddle of mush (that will be talking to her friends about you for weeks afterward), then look no further than the sensual massage.

Everybody likes sex, but the dynamic of a sensual massage is something entirely different. It’s all about her receiving from you.

Whether it’s for an anniversary, a date, or just a Tuesday night, there is nothing else that will leave her feeling so honoured, nurtured, loved, and turned on.

Even if you’ve never given a sensual massage in your life, if you follow these tips you are guaranteed to leave her with an unforgettable experience.

Keep in mind… very few women have ever gotten this kind of dedicated, healthy sensual attention that is completely giving and respectful in nature. Depending on the woman and her past experiences, it can be incredibly healing. It’s actually quite common for them to have an emotional release and cry in the process. Which is totally fine. Keep calm, take a pause, love her through it, and massage on.

How To Give Her An Incredible Sensual Massage

1. Set the scene

Most women tend to be sensitive to ambience and context. In order for her to be able to completely relax internally, the outer environment has to be conducive to her relaxation.

– Make sure the room is well cleaned and tidy (laundry folded and put away, clean surfaces, etc.)

– Use only candle light

– Light some gentle/mild incense

– Lay out soft blankets and pillows

– Play soft, ambient music

– Remove all distractions and make sure to turn off any beeping electronics

2. Prepare some oil

Use a natural, clean oil, since you’re likely going to be using this on the outside AND the inside of her. Coconut oil is my personal favourite. Put a few tablespoons in a dish on the bedside table. Bonus points if you add a few drops of essential oil to create your own custom infusion.

Related Article: Guys: These 4 Tips Guarantee You’ll Give Her the Best Erotic Massage of Her Life

Obviously, make sure the oil is comfortably warm to the touch before putting it on her skin so it doesn’t startle her. If the oil is room temperature or less, rub your hands together vigorously for 5-10 seconds before putting them on her skin. You want everything to be comfortable and soothing. The last thing you want is her to dread your touch and wince, or get cold.

3. Use light, smooth touch

The key word here is “sensual”. Sensuality is about provoking, stimulating, and teasing the senses. You’re not there to perform targeted deep tissue to resolve chronic knee pain or treat her scoliosis. Your goal is to bring every ounce of her attention to her body and where your hands contact it.

Be progressive with pressure and intensity. The more light and drawn out the movements, the more arousing the sensual massage will be. If you need to get a sense of the rhythm, pretend you’re massaging her in slow-motion, or like she’s asleep and you’re trying not to wake her up. Side note, if she does fall asleep at any point during the massage, that’s fine. Don’t take it personally or be offended. It just means that she’s that relaxed, which is great.

Start with long, smooth full-palm strokes up her back and down her arms. Use the swirl technique to keep her nerve endings guessing (swirling your hands around lightly in an unpredictable, non-linear way over the whole body).

You’ll develop better palpation skills with practice (palpation = detecting tension and problem areas with your fingers). When you find a tight place, spend some time making repetitive, deeper movements over it. Choose one spot and then slowly sink into it with a few firm fingers or a gentle elbow. Be very careful with this technique. It can be insanely satisfying and tension-busting, but also intense and painful. Go very, very slow, and listen to her breathing for cues as to how she’s feeling moment to moment.

4. Communicate

Check in once in a while if the pressure is okay. Some parts will be more/less sensitive than others, so she may want your touch to change accordingly. Ask her if there are any areas that are calling out to her and yearning for more attention.

This will not only exponentially boost her satisfaction, but also help you learn what works and leave you feeling more confident overall that she’s having a good time.

5. Escalate

Keep in mind that the arc of the sensual massage is a giant tease from initial feather-light touch on the back to full manual stimulation of her lady parts. Don’t race. You want to build tension and anticipation. As you progress, gloss over her breasts and past her thighs but don’t stop and spend ample time on her more obvious erogenous zones just yet.

Start with the head, neck, arms, hands, legs, butt, and feet. Then have her flip over and go further with her stomach, breasts, inner thighs, and finally genitals.

Related Article: How to Awaken a Woman’s Sexuality with Yoni Massage

When you get to the vagina, work from the outside in, layer by layer. Take your time like you’ve never taken your time before. Lightly stroke the creases at the thighs on either side (if you didn’t know, the clitoris isn’t just a little bulb at the top of the vaginal opening, but is shaped more like a wishbone and runs down both sides of it). Stroke and gently tug at each labial lip. Caress everything. Take your time.

When you move to the inside, use the same philosophy of light, smooth touch and particularly focus on the G-spot, along the first few inches of the upper vaginal wall. Watch her breath and calibrate as you gradually build speed and intensity. As long as you’re both having fun, rinse and repeat!

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Here’s Why You NEED to Repel Certain People (and Should Celebrate the Fall Out)

Woman Repelling

By Jordan Gray | Jordan Gray Consulting

At the time of my writing these words, I’ve been a full time sex and relationship coach for about seven years. And in that time I’ve heard from a lot of people around the world who chronically get this one thing wrong about life…

Whether they’re going on first date, setting up an online dating profile, or cultivating their social media presence, they think that they need to present the most widely acceptable version of themselves for others to be attracted to.

Related Article: How To End Suffering and Be Happy

Filter this, Photoshop that, exaggerate here, omit there…

In reality, the more you can lean into your unique quirks, the better.

You’re supposed to deeply embrace who you are, and yes, this will (and should) repel a certain percentage of people away from you.

Examples?

The career woman who feels like she should tone down her love for her work on a first date because she thinks that “guys don’t really like that in a woman.”

The guy who hides the fact that he loves to paint pictures of sunsets because he fears that women will think he’s too artsy or sensitive.

The 35-year-old who doesn’t admit that they want to have children until the twelfth date because they don’t want to freak their new partner out.

New flash: you need to become okay with repelling some people.

Even better… there are people out there who like everything.

There are people who like skinnier people and heavier people. There are people who like sensitive people and stoic people. There are people who like artists, engineers, dominatrixes, lawyers, daycare workers, and everything in between. Whatever you’re offering, someone out there is into it.

If you tip-toe through your entire life trying to not throw anyone else off their game, you will be miserable.

Someone will always disapprove of you. Always.

You can either be fantastically authentic and have some other people hate you, or you can water down your existence and offend no one… but, as a result, resent yourself for not living in accordance with your heart.

Related Article: Here’s Why We Want to Know the Details When a Romantic Partner Cheats

So either some other people hate you, or you hate yourself for prioritizing their opinions of you over your opinion of yourself. Your choice.

Remember…

If you’re looking for an intimate partner, you’re aiming to meet and attract someone who aligns deeply with you. You aren’t trying to attract ‘women’ or ‘men’… you’re trying to attract a person. You only need to appeal to a ridiculously small percentage of the market segment known as men/women/whatever you’re into.

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