Men: Here Are The Key Dos and Don’ts That Will Help You Last Longer in Bed
By Jordan Gray | Jordan Gray Consulting
Do you wish you could last longer in bed? Increase your sexual stamina? Have sex for hours without stopping?
This is by far one of the most commonly asked questions that I get from my male readers… so today, I want to answer this question to the fullest extent possible. And considering the average length of time that men last in bed is less than five minutes, I’m not surprised that I get the question as often as I do.
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Why Men Want To Last Longer In Bed
Before we dig into exactly how to last longer in bed, I want to touch briefly on making sure your intention is a beneficial one.
One of the first things I ask my private coaching clients when they ask me how to last longer in bed is simply… “Does your partner want you to last longer… or are they already happy with your sexual performance?”
I ask this question for two reasons.
1. Many times porn has gotten it into a man’s head that he needs to be able to fuck like a beast for hours on end without pausing, simply because that’s what the men in porn seem to be able to do.
2. Often the man’s partner doesn’t even want more penetrative sex. He’s only learning to last longer to satisfy the clock (or the arbitrary number of minutes in his mind)… as opposed to his actual partner.
So before you step into this journey, make sure that you actually want to achieve the end goal. If you’re happy having penetrative sex for a few minutes, then you’re good. You’re off the hook.
But if you’re like most men, and you actually do want (and need) to learn how to last longer, then read on.
The Three Things You Need To Stop Doing In Order To Last Longer In Bed
Imagine a speedboat sitting in the water… just off the shoreline. Now imagine that the speedboat needs to get to a nearby island… and FAST!
No matter how souped up of an engine the speedboat has… or no matter how high-tech its fuel is… it won’t get there very fast if it has its anchor scraping along the bottom of the ocean floor.
It’s the same thing with learning to last longer in bed. If I give you the proactive tips without first removing the things that are holding you back, you won’t get anywhere very quickly. You’ll be revving your engine with little progress to show for it.
Here are the three biggest things you need to stop doing in order to last longer in bed.
(Note: these tips in this article build on each other so make sure that you read them in the order that they’re presented, and implement them in the same order as well)
1. Quit watching porn
If you’ve been following me for the past few years, you’ve likely heard me say this before. But it bears repeating.
There’s a ton of emerging scientific data on this subject and the short story is this – consuming any significant amount of porn (even a couple of times per week) rewires your brain to get used to being OVERLY stimulated… so that by the time it comes to having sex with an actual person, your mind (and penis) will have been trained to ejaculate a lot faster than you would have otherwise.
It would be like if you were used to living off of fast food burgers, energy drinks, and cocaine… and then someone came along and said “Hey, you know what? There isn’t a lot of nutrition in those things. You might want to try eating fruit and vegetables every now and then.”
Then, when you started eating those things, your mouth (and body, and mind) would likely say “This doesn’t taste very exciting… we might as well just get this over with.”
So to give yourself the best shot at lasting longer in bed, quit watching porn altogether. It might be challenging at first, but I promise that if you commit to it, you’ll end up having stronger orgasms, more emotionally fulfilling sex, and you’ll be lasting longer in no time.
2. Masturbating quickly
Something that goes hand in hand with watching porn (see what I did there?) is masturbating quickly and racing towards ejaculation.
When you were younger it was highly likely that you masturbated quickly as a means of necessity. Maybe you were afraid that your parents/siblings/babysitter/etc. was going to walk in while you rubbed one out… and so you had to be quick about it.
There’s nothing wrong, bad, or shameful about masturbating in the slightest. It is one of the most natural things that human beings do… ever. And it feels amazing. You should keep it up. I’m not taking masturbating off of the proverbial table.
It’s just that, in terms of wanting to last longer, masturbating quickly will stand in the way of increasing your stamina.
Masturbation is one of the biggest double edged swords in the ‘how do I last longer?’ realm. Why? Because if you do it wrong, it makes you cum faster than almost anything else. But if you do it in a more mindful, productive manner, it can one of your biggest allies in learning to last longer.
To describe it in plain terms…
The worst way that you could be masturbating is to watch a quick succession/variety of porn, and make yourself cum in less than two minutes,
The best way you can masturbate is to carve out a significant amount of time (i.e. 20-45 minutes), get comfortable in a place where you feel safe (i.e. no one will walk in on you), and use your awareness to really dial into the pleasure that you’re feeling.
So if the first way is like splashing your face with water to wake yourself up, the second way is like allowing yourself to leisurely swim around in the pool for a while.
(Note: when I say ‘worst’ and ‘best’ in regards to masturbating, I don’t mean that one is inherently good or bad… it’s just that one is more productive in helping you last longer in bed and the other is far less productive. They’re two different strategies… one that helps you and another that hinders you.)
3. Consuming too many stimulants
The modern day convenience-focused diet ends up putting a ton of really harmful things into our bodies.
And while the lack of time spent in a kitchen might seem like it gives you more time to be productive in your work life, in reality, it’s one of the biggest anchors keeping your speed boat stuck in the same spot.
If you regularly consume refined sugar, caffeine, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, and any other nervous system stimulants and/or depressants, you’re messing with a lot of systems in your body. Your sleep cycles suffer. Your hormonal balance suffers. Your mood suffers. Your mental clarity suffers. And, you guessed it, your reproductive system suffers.
Basically, when we treat our bodies like we don’t give a shit about them, they slowly start to retaliate.
Imagine that you have a five year old child. The more you ignore them, the more they’re going to crave your attention. And so it is with your body. If you mistreat it, it will be upset with you.
How does this apply to lasting longer in bed?
Well, similar to the porn example above, if you are routinely consuming substances that alter your mood in cheap, ‘easy’, and unsustainable ways, your mind and body get increasingly used to being in an overly stimulated state. Your mind, mood, and blood sugar levels will be alternating between peaks and valleys as opposed to nice, long sustainable swells of energy. Do you see the overlap? Just like you don’t want your sexual performance to go straight into a peak state (i.e. climaxing too quickly), you don’t want your energy levels to be trained to be living off of quick-burning kindling. You want to be sustaining yourself off of slow-burning logs that last for hours.
What do you consume instead?
Well, first of all, consider cutting out smoking, drinking (alcohol), and drugs entirely. Or at least 99% of them. Then, do the things that you’ve been told your whole life. Drink lots of water, prioritize your sleep, and eat lots of nutrient dense foods (lots of colourful fruits and vegetables, nuts and seeds, and limited amounts of organic/farm raised/pastured meats and fish) to send the signal to your body that you love and honour it.
Simple as that.
So those are the three biggest things that you need to STOP doing in order to last longer in bed… but what about the proactive steps? How can you supercharge your sexual performance going forwards, after having removed these sexual anchors that have kept you stuck for so long?
The Six Things You Need To Start Doing To Last Longer In Bed
I know, I know… giving up porn and fast food and all of the other bullshit your body hates isn’t fun or necessarily sexy homework. But it’s necessary stuff. And, again, in order for you to get massive results in terms of how you last longer in bed, it had to come first.
And now (!!!)… now we’re into the really juicy stuff.
1. Progressive muscle relaxation
One of the fastest ways to orgasm faster than you want to is to clench all of your major muscle groups. Tense your shoulders… tense your abdominals… tense your legs, etc.
And, alternatively, one of the fastest ways to slow down your impending orgasm is to release and relax your major muscle groups.
That is to say, the more relaxed you are, the more control you have over when you climax.
With this in mind, one of the best preventative measures you can do to last longer in bed is to regularly set aside times to practice what is known as progressive muscle relaxation.
An easy way to do this is to lay down on your back (on the floor or on your bed) and put your attention on releasing all of the physical attention from body parts that you focus on, one at a time.
For example, you would lie on your back, begin breathing deeply, and then check in with your feet. You could ask them (in your mind) “How can I relax my feet even further?” And then relax them. And then work your way up your body and do that same exercise with your calves, your thighs, your hips, your stomach, your chest, your arms, your hands, your neck, your face, and so forth.
If you ever find yourself having difficulty mentally connecting with a certain are of your body, intentionally clench the muscles of that area first (just to have them come ‘online’ in your awareness) and then release them from that place of having over-corrected intophysical tension.
You can work wonders for your sexual performance, and your day to day levels of relaxation and stress release, by doing this for even ten minutes at a time, once or twice per week.
And then, by having done this in your normal life (i.e. outside of the bedroom) then your body will be that much more at ease when it comes time to lasting longer in bed.
2. P.C. muscle exercises (also known as kegel exercises)
Another great exercise, in some ways similar to progressive muscle relaxation, is kegel exercises.
If you’ve never heard of them before, kegel exercises are a method of tensing and releasing your pubococcygeus muscles (aka P.C. muscle) for greater erectile strength, person satisfaction (your orgasms become that much stronger and more pleasurable), and sexual stamina.
To put it simply, your P.C. muscle is a hammock shaped muscle that cradles your groin area. It stretches from your tail bone to your public bone. One of the easiest ways to connect with it is to go pee, and clench the muscle that stops the flow of your urine. That muscle that successfully clamps down on the flow of your urine is your P.C. muscle.
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Kegels are a great exercise to do outside of the bedroom, as a preventative practice, because as you approach your orgasm (when you’re alone or with your partner) you can clench your P.C. muscle in order to delay and/or stop your impending ejaculation from happening.
To begin a kegel exercise practice, sit comfortably in a chair with your back supported and alternate quick upscales of your P.C. muscle with longer holds (1-3 seconds each). It would take me over 1,000 words to write out the full description of how to master your P.C. muscle, so if you’re interested in learning more about this practice, check out this piece that I wrote, and sign up for the free video that I link to in the middle of the article.