Sex Addiction: My Personal Journey Out Of The Dark

jennifer mastersEvents in our lives help us to unravel unanswered questions. After being on a healing path for over 30 years, I recently experienced a rift in my own personal universe. I knew there were parts of my childhood that I did not remember, for a reason. Our denial of events is our soul’s way of protecting us, allowing us to heal. When we become grounded enough in self love we might be able to recognize and hear the whole truth.

When Bonnie Groessl recently interviewed me on her radio show, Holistic Entrepreneur, she asked how I became a love and passion coach. It was an interesting question, which created ripples out into the universe for you, my readers. My hope is that my story will help others heal their lives as well. When we let go of judgment as to the why, a deeper understanding of ourselves emerges.

There was a time when I felt absolutely bat-shit crazy. My emotions ran amok. I was out of control with my negative words, spending and in my life. My relationships were tumultuous and tremendously challenging. I overreacted to the slightest of comments, triggered at every turn. I had hidden rage that bubbled up seemingly from out of nowhere. I was overly concerned about others liking and accepting me. I gave too much, without any boundaries which made me resentful towards those I loved. I was depressed for over 20 years. Insomnia and illness plagued me during that 20 year period. Sleep only came when I was drugged with double-doses of Benadryl. I worried, obsessed and was fearful. I sought validation outside of myself. I had affairs, was promiscuous and constantly had to have a man in my life to feel whole. The slightest criticism threw me into an emotionl rollercoaster. I had difficulty letting things go. I hung on with a vengeance. I kept score. I was a victim. Surrender and acceptance were foreign to me. I fought, argued and railed against the world and God. I had no faith. I was unhappy with myself and everything in my world. I changed husbands like some people changed underwear. That was then.

When my third marriage ended. I sat down, guided to create a Relationship Matrix. When I looked at my relationships in this matrix, I recognized that I was the only common denominator. I could no longer blame others for what was happening. I was the source of my pain, suffering and resistance to life. Through deep introspection, I began to take responsibility for my own actions. I became aware of my intense emotionality and reactivity. I began to recognize that I blamed everyone for where I was. I dug deep, looking for answers to my slew of health issues through Louise Hay (You Can Heal Your Life), Bach and Bach (Prescription for Healing) and a thousand other self-help books. I went to a hypnotherapist, then took his course and became certified in that modality, because of how it helped me. I went to an energy healer and became certified in Spiritual Response Therapy, because of the power to heal others. I took advanced courses. Learning more about myself along the way. I began to embrace all that was me, rather than trying to excise parts that I didn’t find acceptable. It was my trip to Bali, in 2010, to study the Akashic Records that shattered my reality.

I was finishing up my first book, Odyssey Victim To Victory, while in Bali. After learning how to channel The Ascended Masters, I spent a day on my little front porch, facing the Indian Ocean, while my classmates toured the island of Bali. I opened my Akashic Records and asked questions about myself, my family and my life. I wrote all day. My disbelief of what flowed through me was met with horror. It couldn’t be! I was shown visions of what happened when I was barely a toddler. In my playpen, barely able to stand in the water at our lake house, I witnessed my father from behind, as my mother must have seen him from the kitchen window, high above the lake. Even with this, I couldn’t believe it. I continued to be in denial of the truth, until my daughter came to me when  I visited her in Colorado a week ago. She confirmed what came through me. My father molested me, made me perform oral sex on him when I was barely old enough to stand up. He took my virginity in the water when I was less than three years of age! After years of personal healing, letting go and surrender, my angst was more about my children, than it was for me. What deeply affected me was what my mother did to them.

I had three psychics tell me that my father molested me. Because I had no memory of it, I was sure that they were all wrong! I knew who my perpetrators were, not my father! My brother molested me for seven years till my oldest brother, my knight in shining armor, found out. He came to my rescue and threatened to kill him if he ever touched me again. To this day, he still grieves my loss of innocence. A neighbor down the street, an uncle that my mother allowed into my bedroom when I was ill. Four men in all. My brother would not tell me who molested him. Molesters have always been groomed by someone else. Molesters molest, because they were first molested by someone else.

The Shocking Truth

My daughter who was not yet 19, bravely told me that she was a sex addict. Most people would take years to discover the truth about themselves. She explained to me what had occurred for her in recent months. The fact that she was born awake, remembered her past lives and other families, helped her to recognize what was happening with herself. She was self aware. She has always been one of my biggest teachers.


An earlier depossession (removal of dark energy) that I did for her in February, helped her illuminate questions she had in her mind for years. She began masturbating when shee was six. Early for most kids, but similar to what I experienced, early masturbation is a sign of molestation. She asked, when did she get this dark energy? While she was doing a spiritual bath to expedite the releasing of the negative energy, my daughter was cognizant enough to ask questions. She was given answers that shattered her beautiful world. She had been molested between the ages of 5 and 8. Yet, she could not remember. She began to dig deep. She asked me who could it have been? We both wracked our brains. She even wondered if it was me? There had been a one-time event with her father, just an inappropriate look. No touching – which eventually terminated our shared custody. Living with me, she was protected, I thought.

Recognition

To protect my daughter’s privacy, I will tell you this; walking back in time, we found the one event, where I left her for a few hours with the very person I did not realize was a molester. She was given an ice cream float and fell dead asleep half-way through it. A 6 year-old child with a sweet tooth, would never fall asleep with ice cream in front of her. We deduced that was when it occurred.

Hypervigilence

I was hypervigilent as a mother with all of my children. I protected them and never left any of them alone with my brother or babysitters unless I was certain of their background. I knew that as far back as I could go, there was molestation on both sides of my family. I did not know about my father until recently. It was what brought my parents together. They vibrated at the same low rate. They were both dysfunctional with addictions of their own. I had no idea who my parents really were. My remembrance of my father was idyllic in some ways. We often canonize the dead when they are gone. He died 26 years ago, I have forgiven and let this go.

My Denial of The Truth

The part I was unaware of was that my father was molested by his father. I knew my dad had hopped a freight train at age 7. He ran away a second time when he was 12. Runaways are often kids who have been molested. I never put the two together till now. The visions of my gifted daughter, who saw, what I didn’t. She went where I refused to look. He became a child molester as well. He was careful to stop before the ones he chose were 3 years of age. He knew that we would not remember. He even made a comment at the dinner table when I was a teenager. It did not dawn on me at that time that he was looking to see my reaction, did I remember? It went right over my head.

I was in denial of my parents as child molesters. When my firstborn son was under the age of two, my husband and I felt we needed a vacation without him. My disinterest in sex, after childbirth, was the motivation for my husband’s desire for the trip. It was what 30-something parents did; get away from their children. It was a vacation of regret. During our week of fun in the sun, our son was being tortured in ways we would never know. Upon our return, I found him with a fever of 103, crying inconsolably with a raging ear infection. When I demanded of my mother why she didn’t take him to the doctor, she just shrugged, like it was no big deal. She wouldn’t even divulge how long he had been feverish. It was a side of her I had never seen before  – consciously. She was cruel and heartless when it came to babies. She really didn’t like children. I was in horror. How many people are there like this on the planet? Millions of children are molested every day. It was the underlying reason my children were never in day care.

Dark Energy

People who are molested are always imprinted with a very dark energy. Sometimes, there are several of these dark energies. If the person is not evolved, these energies take over, running the show. Think back to Amity ville Horror.  This energy is very difficult to get rid of. It causes blocks, challenges in relationships, success and happiness. I had three of these types of energies on me, which I had to remove. These dark energies often masquerade as other things. The dark energies can cause sex addiction, alcoholism and other addictive behaviors. People with dark energies are often termed bipolar or schizophrenic.

What is strange is that as soon as I had gone through this transformation, people began to flock to me to have the same done for them. How did they know?

The Result Is Sex Addiction

Studies have shown that 82% of people who were molested become sex addicts. My sense is that the other 18% were under the age of 3, but don’t remember the event. Sex addiction has the root in lack of self love. It is understandable that someone who has been molested is riddled with low vibrational feelings of guilt, shame and self loathing. They feel some how that they are to blame. They feel broken. I have seen thousands of people with shattered souls – soul fragments that break off like shards of glass. This shattering causes the soul to feel broken, rather than whole. It is part of the healing work I do, restoring the soul fragments to their highest energy and rightful place, within the soul. Without this process completed, people often spend their entire life feeling broken and incomplete.

What Is Sex Addiction?

Sex addiction is the obsession with sex. It is a physical need to have sex that takes over your life, your thoughts and often ruins marriages, relationships and families. It can include, but is not limited to masturbation, pornography and fetishes. Sex is the driving force in someone’s life when they are a sex addict. The need for sex is actually a need for love that is never found. As emotions begin to bubble up from past unremembered (or remembered events) sex is used to push those feelings of emptiness back down. The urge for sex, is actually a search for love, that never comes through sex alone. When molestation occurs, it is usually by a trusted loved one. Because boundaries are crossed by a trusted person, confusion occurs. A search for love through sex is what ensues.

My Personal Experience

When I was a sex addict, I felt restless. I had to have a partner. If I didn’t have one, I would go to nightclubs and look for someone. I was a serial monogamist. Jumping from one relationship into another. I always had to have a guy. It is the reason I was married four times. I never felt satisfied in my relationships, always searching for something I did not find. I continued to feel like a victim into my early 40’s. My healing began when I was 32 when I told my entire family about my abuse. It was like coming out of the closet for me. Cathartic and therapeutic. Secrets eat away at the soul and need to come out. Even if you tell your coach, or therapist,  you have to tell someone.

To this day, my mother treats me as if I am the perpetrator, rather than the innocent victim. She was jealous, mean, cruel and hateful to me growing up. I did not feel loved by her. With my daughter’s help we re-traced the children she molested by noticing who she hated most. Strange the ones she molested, she transferred hatred to. There are some things I will never divulge or discuss with my family members because they will not believe me. My daughter and I know the truth. That is all that matters. I have done my healing work, it is not my responsibility to make others heal or face their inner demons.

I recently had a strong conversation with my mother about the truth. I explained to her that she can’t hurt me any longer. I don’t need to have her in my life. It is a choice I make to include her. However, I will not allow her to disrespect myself or anyone in my family. I no longer feel like a victim, it is why I wear a ring on my right hand – VICTORY. It is why I wrote the book, Odyssey Victim To Victory. It is my journey from darkness into the light.

Love Is The Answer

You have heard it before. Love is the answer. Which is why I chose the name ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, for my radio show on BBM Global Radio. Love heals everything. Yes it does, but you have to know how. Just saying that you love yourself is not enough. Your unconscious mind needs to be reprogrammed. The past is lovingly released. Which is where I come in. I did it for myself, and I can do it for you. I teach you how to begin to soften your gaze and recognize your own light, purpose and Divinity. Self love pulls you out of the dark. When you love and accept ALL of you, even the faults, foibles, warts or issues, happiness is the result. It does not mean you are perfect. It does not mean you walk on water, but you have traversed the fire walk of life!

Healing Changes Everything

Pink FlowersThere are layers that need to be excavated and healed first. Spiritual re-parenting is done which changes the thought process in the mind. Mantras, meditation and deep energy healing shifts your energy and re-boots your operating system. It is like a system re-set on a computer. It does not happen instantaneously, for some it can take between six and ten months. When you think of it this way, how much does one divorce cost today? How about two, or three? What about the pain and suffering you live through every day? Through this healing, loving relationships are not only possible, but probable. When you completely love and accept yourself, you become a beacon of love and light which attracts a loving person to you. Through Hynotherapy, Energy Healing and Life Coaching I empower women and men to become the love that they seek.

Being Non-Orgasmic

Often women who have been molested in childhood have the fear from fight, fright or freeze, frozen in the cell walls of their vagina. I did. Vaginal orgasms can be next to impossible. 40% of women have difficulty having orgasms. It is my belief that molestation plays a large part in the frozen G-spot as well as difficulty with orgasmic response for many. Some women actually feel numb in their genitals because when they began to feel pleasure during sexual molestation they choked it off, freezing the experience in their cells. Sex can be pleasurable, but until a sexual healing occurs, orgasms can be illusive. I have a chapter in my book, Orgasm For Life, dedicated to walking your through this process with your partner.

Everything Happens For A Reason

Pain is a driving force that pushes people to heal. When the pain becomes too great, that is when people look for help. They search for answers. It was like an incendiary bomb for me. I knew that I needed to heal to become happy with my life. When I did, it was like the elevator went all the way to the top floor. All my lights were turned on. My soul purpose was revealed. Through my story, others have hope. Through my healing, others get healed as well. We become the butterfly – the transformation itself.

Symbolism

Many of you don’t know this about me. I became a Georgia Master Gardener in 2000. I was hired as the Lawn and Garden Manager at an Ace Hardware in Woodstock, Georgia. Six months later, in July os 2001, I opened For Heaven Scapes, Ltd. a landscaping design and installation company. I did everything from perennial gardens, sod, walkways, water features, rock walls and complete landscape installation and restoration. My company logo and business was all about transformation. Having this landscaping company was grounding and therapeutic for me. At the same time, I began doing hypnotherapy on the side and then energy healing work. I continued to push and grow taking workshops, certification courses, like Train The Trainer courses in NLP and Hypnotherapy.

orgasm for lifeMy book, Orgasm For Life was guided. Shifting into sex and passion was a natural transition for someone who loves sex, has healed addictions and codependency. I hope that you will read my books and discover your inner soul’s purpose on your road to healing. Be the butterfly and transform your world! Now I help others heal their addictions and challenges in their lives through self love and acceptance.

What I can promise you, is that when you lovingly accept all of you, your life begins to change. Having a daily meditation practice, getting out in nature, eating healthy foods you prepare yourself, all nurtures and helps you heal you. Having a coach that has been where you have been, knows the ropes and how to navigate what is to come will keep you on track. You need someone to support you when you feel discouraged and intuitively uproot your unconscious issues which will cut down on the time you spend in the crapper, feeling awful. You become happier, filled with purpose and fulfilled, instead of empty. You recognize that you are light, rather than dark. You are not crazy. The depression and reactivity lifts. Connection is what is left. Deep grounding and a realization that everything happens for a reason. Yours is that you have a higher calling on this planet. The world needs your light. The world needs you. There is no one else that has your gifts, your story or your life. If not now, when? E-mail Jennifer now to set up your discovery session to see if her work is a good fit for you.

Jennifer Masters Bio ShotJennifer Elizabeth Masters became self actualized and enlightened in 2012. Her journey through self love and transformational growth expedited this process. Now she empowers women and men through her love and passion coaching. Using six modalities, the experience is different for every person. Self love is the source of all addictions. Loving the self is the greatest gift you can give yourself and the world. You can find additional resources on her blog, Love Yourself Fearlessly.

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  1. madhulikaguha1@gmail.com' Concerned Elder Sister says:

    My sister was sexually abused by her tutor when she was 9. The sad part was that we used to go to the same man for tuitions at the same time . She never told me about it! And I was so lost that I never noticed it. Maybe I did notice a few inappropriate touches and then and there tried to stop it. I was 11. My mother never sent us to that place again. She had obviously told Ma about it. But when she was 15 she told me that those inappropriate touches turned into something big and he practically abused her sexually when she was 9. No penetration or oral sex but still it broke my heart that he touched her genitals when she was still a baby ( well for me she’ll always be a baby) and I couldn’t do ANYTHING!. She is quite open with me and has told me that she loves my company the most. Some people find their better halves in people they are attracted to sexually. My sister is my better half. She completes my thoughts, challenges my ideologies, forces me to contemplates on matters I thought were dead true. She is different than me. And she has a dark comedy inside her. But she is detached to everything, or at least that is what she shows. I want her to be happy. But I feel that because I was not able to save her that day from that man, she might have a fear that no one can save her from such things. But I want to take her out of that dark pit that she is unable to climb! I love my baby sister so much that I can go to any extent to see her all enlightened and happy from inside.

  2. Paulguinn@gmail.com' Paul says:

    My sister and I was molested for years. After my daughter was raped when she was 14, we starting seeing therapists. I told my therapist what happened to me as a child. She in turn told me I needed to tell my wife. My marriage quickly dissolved with this confession. I started having sex with guys. A lot of sex. It was my medication of choice. I am aware that I don’t love it trust myself. When my kids were small, I stayed home with them. I never even trusted my wife to care of our own kids!

  3. dmc407@outlook.com' Danielle says:

    Jennifer, first let me say how happy I am that I was guided to you. I have been struggling so hard for so long with how to overcome years of sexual abuse from multiple family members from 2-12. I have such shame and have recently been told that my main molester, one who also molested my mother for many years as well, is my biological father. This has been very hard to deal with considering suicide at one point. I have begun a journey in search of my life purpose, and why I am still here. Your words here have helped me to understand some of my behavior and the behavior of others in my life specifically the women I grew up with and why they all seemingly hated me. If I wasn’t being sexually violated I was being emotionally tortured or physically abused. I feel that in some twisted way, this made me a better mother… Paranoid and very overprotective… Better nonetheless. I pray father god delivers me from my blocks so that I may be able to help others.. I have a deep connection to crystals yet I don’t know why. Each time I am led to an angel like yourself , I get a little stronger. Your words inspire and heal me. God bless you and your daughter. Thank you again.

  4. bethune2016@gmail.com' betsy says:

    Thank you,me too went through all this saga but spiritually am healing

  5. masonrebecca1988@outlook.com' rebecca says:

    I was wondering if you know about anything from a males perspective. Similar things happened to me as you. But it has also happened to my husband. But its hard for him to relate. It has effected both of us in our relationships because we are both affraid to make a move in being intimate. Hes been addicted in watching and looking at things. He says he hasnt since the last confrontation but i lost trust and feel unwanted..but i want to help him. Though im struggling with my past. We both need healing. Thank you for your time and your story.

  6. Abbie5863@gmail.com' Abbie5863 says:

    I am in such a dark place, my husband rejects me when I need him most. We both have trauma from childhood on.help.

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