I recently received a heartfelt email from a reader of my blog saying, “My boyfriend of 2 years says that he wants to have an open relationship and see multiple partners. He says he just wants to be free… What should I do?”
This is indeed a delicate situation, especially as it deals with vulnerable matters of the heart.
So what is real freedom really?
To simply act out on all of your desires doesn’t mean you are truly free. It might simply mean you are being run by your conditioning making you a slave to your desires.
Dating multiple partners won’t bring you real freedom if you aren’t free within yourself or you don’t know who you really are.
Real freedom is a state of being.
There’s a lot of talk in some spiritual circles about how monogamy isn’t working anymore.
To me it’s not about monogamy or open relationships, but more about what you bring to it that makes the difference. Beyond rigid rules and right/wrong, each person must find the most authentic expression of their heart. It may be different for everyone.
It may also change depending on what lessons your soul most needs to learn at that time in your life.
Love is beyond form. And all forms change and are impermanent.
When you love another person unconditionally, you dare to speak your heart’s truth with love and vulnerability.
The truth always serves everyone, even if it might not seem that way at first. Truth is the foundation for openness in a relationship.
If you communicate how you feel up front, they at least have a choice whether to continue to be in relationship with you or not, rather than being there under false pretenses.
If you both agree to being monogamous and faithful to each other, then honor that commitment. Or whatever commitments that you made to each other.
But if it’s not your authentic truth, and you are simply agreeing to what you think you should based on what’s expected of you, then you are already being unfaithful to yourself and your partner.
When you first met your partner, you attracted each other based on your level of consciousness and the lessons that you needed to teach each other at that time.
You made agreements based on this.
As you both evolve, your agreements need to also, as they may no longer feel true for you. In doing so, you honor yourself, honor your partner and honor your love by speaking the truth. Have the courage to renegotiate your commitments, expand your commitments, and find a new relationship format or agreements that allow for more love to be expressed between you both.
Whether you are with one partner or multiple, the real freedom is in how open your heart is to allowing the deepest expression of love that is seeking to happen through you.
You could be in an open relationship with many partners and still be closed in your heart. You can be in a deeply committed, intimate relationship with one person forever and be truly open in your heart.
Real openness is beyond form. It’s a state of being within yourself.
To really love unconditionally is a holy act and one of real courage. To learn to love unconditionally is a humbling lifetime practice.
Real love gives freedom. And in freedom there is always choice. Choice to do or not do. Then you know the love is real.
Love is not demanding your partner to be who you want them to be but to serve their soul in becoming who they are truly meant to be.
You know you are in the right relationship when you are encouraged to be more fully yourself.
To love another unconditionally is to truly see who they are, beyond their personality, and to love their soul. To love another unconditionally is to commit to their soul’s growth and evolution.
In a romantic relationship, we are often afraid to give our significant other this level of freedom out of fear. We are afraid that they will perhaps betray us, leave us or won’t love us the way we want.
Perhaps you have felt this fear?
Whenever you do something out of obligation and fear, you don’t give all of yourself.
Every relationship is the opportunity to practice integrity and to live your spirituality in everyday life.
Loving is not limited. Love’s depth is infinite. We live in a world of seven billion people, so there will be seven billion different ways of loving.
Real freedom is the courage to love another with all your heart and be committed rather than controlled by your fear.
Real freedom is to be connected to your authentic self and making choices that are in alignment with your soul.
Real freedom is a discipline of the heart and to sacrifice what is lesser for what is more.
Real freedom is a commitment to love.
Loving another person unconditionally doesn’t mean you agree to do whatever they want, if it doesn’t feel right and honoring of yourself.
You have a choice.
Loving another unconditionally doesn’t mean you do so whilst sacrificing yourself and your well-being or needs.
Honor yourself. It’s then that you can truly honor your partner. To truly love unconditionally requires the ability to say “No”. Then your “Yes” can be authentic.
To love another unconditionally is to truly want the best for them even if that means not with you. You may have different needs and wants that just aren’t compatible.
Commit to loving each moment of your relationship. Sometimes this may mean you have to end a relationship. But other times it may mean you must commit more deeply to working on your relationship, even though it’s challenging, stretches you and pushes all of your buttons!
When you commit to loving unconditionally you are committing to the highest good in any given situation.
Commit to loving big and miracles beyond what you can imagine will be yours.
Love.Now
Kute
Kute Blackson is an utterly unique visionary in the world of human potential. Unlike those who promise to simply help people “get” what they want, Kute’s life work instead reveals to people what they have to give, by liberating who they are most truly and deeply. The focus: Freedom. Acclaimed worldwide for his life changing, one of a kind, transformational experiences, he is considered one of the leading voices in the fields of transformation and spirituality. Kute is an inspiring modern day spiritual teacher and a bold voice for a new generation. He leads transformational journeys to Bali (get more info here). He also helps women overcome any and all obstacles to love with his “The Man Breakthrough Experience” , the Women’s Seminar.
EASY, tell him to go ahead…But you wont be around !!!!You CANT be FREE and be COMMITTED…
The whole reason to get married is to be with the ONE person…er…until death do you part oooor until one doesn’t WANT to just ‘be’ with the ONE person. Contract is now null and void.
Run a mile
You are single.
“he wants to be free”– I think that says it all. go live.
An open relationship is garbage and a waste of time in my opinion. If you need multiple partners in your life become single instead of hurting someones feelings. If the partner you are with agrees then be ready for what comes forth. An open relationship means misery needs more company and cheating is no longer a term. Lol.
I agree with you. If it was me,I would leave him and let him do what he wants
Unless of course you are with someone who shares the same need, in which case you’re hurting no one. Also, polyamory is something you can learn about, get experience and get better at, and for most people I know who actively practice it, actually leads to much greater wellbeing (there is also some evidence that it leads to better emotional literacy, communication skills, emotional balance and self-confidence).
Its pointless regardless of who shares this “need”. Being single does the same things you mentioned below. No need to have a gf or bf and then mess with other people just end the relationship and be “free” plain and simple. Idk what people learn by having multiple partners when one is just enough,if sexual appeal is the true culprit of the movement for centuries it is still irrelevant in a bond between two souls. I see this as emotional and sexual distortion… Polyamory is just a fantasy with a will attached to it.
Lots of people feel more fulfilled because to them it means moving away from the idea of belong to someone/owning someone, or even relying on someone to build one’s own self-esteem. I think it’s like everything, it’s up to the individuals to find what works for them and there is no “right” or “wrong” way, as long as it’s done with everyone’s wellbeing and best interest at heart 🙂
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Let him go…And don’t play his game. He is a player…Do not accept his calls or texts either. That is advice given to you with sincere heartfelt love.
Bye Felicia….
This is how my mom and dad explained relationships to us when we were very young.
When you go shopping for shoes, besides its style, you’re looking for the size that fits your foot. Can I dance with them? Can I walk long distance with them? Are they comfortable no matter what I do with them?
If the shoes don’t fit – your feet suffer damage, the shoes suffer damage – you don’t buy them.
If you buy the wrong size anyway (because you just have to have those shoes), then also expect trouble along the way. You’ll eventually have to part ways.
Saved us all lots of “foot” trouble. <3
Then again, who the hell only own one pair of shoes, everybody knows it’s healthier to change shoes regularly haha
Bells Kirby oy vey!
Roll with it or get the Hell out of this relationship. I was in an open marriage after several years of mono-sexual marriage. We did just fine but only because it was something we both agreed to.
Dump them,post haste
Won’t work if you can’t commit you should just quit
Leave.
One sided open relationship= I want someone different but if I don’t find what I want, I always have you to fall back on. They are counting on your love & loyalty for them..harsh truth is they don’t want you but too cowardly to be single..why?! They may end up alone and you will find someone who shows you you’re worth so much more
I would immediately break up with him
DUMP THEM… IF YOU ARE NOT INTO IT! LOL
Dump the cheat
Move on
use condoms overtime, you’d be better off to dump him, this guy has no future, no concept of bonding, love, responsibility or commitment, he’s a psychopath
What? Just for asking to move away from monogamy? You’d classify him in the most disturbing condition there is?
I agree with you 🙂
If you’re not okay with it leave, if you are okay with it stay.
Id be running im afraid..
Go let him be “Free”….enough said. Immature.
Shouldn’t be in a relationship if it’s open you’re just hooking up sluts
If You’re willing to have an open relationship too, then fine. Establish ground rules and go from there.
If You think you can’t handle it and it’s not for you then opt out.
Know your worth and stick to what You want.
Be safe if You are in an open relationship. Let him know that an open relationship means he doesn’t gets exclusive unguarded sex. He gets ” I don’t know where you been pal, sex ” and there’s a huge. HUGE. difference.. The
Intimacy is even different.
* Sometimes ( not always) a person who wants a open relationship isn’t satisfied or is interested in seeing someone else but doesn’t want to give up what they already have. So, they opt for a open relationship. Be Smart.
Best wishes.
Needed this validation, thank you!
That just means they want to be a hoe and should be released like yesterday’s trash…
kick him to the curb ….. ask no questions !!!!
Open relationships….Not 4 me !
Walk away, because it de- value you. Your self worth is everything. Not someone else’s desires.
Leave him, that’s what you should do!
Set him free , let him go , 2 is company, 3 is a crowd, move on simple !!!
Dump his arse! What the hell is the differance between ‘open relationship’ and ‘ friends with benefits’ apart from sharing a house?
A lot. Monogamy/exclusivity are not what makes a relationship “special”, surely?
Yeah… nope… not going to happen!
If your not into it hive him the boot
I don’t think your into it?
So don’t! It’s going to get very messy, in you head if you do this.
If that ever happens to you say Fuck You and move on.
You say bye bye!
It means he wants his cake & eat it too…..in other words…he wants to screw you and anybody else he wants and for it to be OK with you……
Attend a polyamory discussion group, you might find it works for you better. Be open minded, just try it. He could have just had an affair, but he didn’t he spoke to you about it. Polyamory may be for you, it may not, but you won’t know till you find out more about it.
Time to end up ur relationship or other wise u gonna end up w/the decease giving u…
Move on its over,you’ll be fine..
Better than him cheating and lying…
It depends on what you really want. Don’t lie to yourself if it’s going to hurt you.
Set him free.
I am suffering from this same situation..
Duh what do you mean what should you do? You cannot hold someone were they don’t want to be so if that is not what your looking for let go and move forward with your life although I never had this problem I would
oh and I forgot all women should KNOW their power they have over men I do
Move on and find someone loyal, obviously
Ditch them.
An open relationship is no relationship. A relationship stands for commitment and loyalty. Just look at the marriage vows. If people want to sleep with multiple people, they can choose to be without a relationship. Simple.
Lust lust lust
He wants an open relationship! Then close everything to him!!
Exactly right Jen! Toby Celes
Hehe Salie trulalu!!!?
So he just come bump u when he want to bump don’t rape yourself in the back your mind u feel dirty in u giving him power don’t do it
If you still wnt to love him then forget about the relationship
One thing is very clear about this..
If he is your soul met then he can’t feel comfortable wid another girl,
Soul doesn’t allow at all
Let him be..
Observe him,
If he’s okay wid some other girl too.. then you will come to know yourself wht to do next….
Stay positive stay conscious..
The Right one will be only yours
Just leave him and let him be open for others
let him go honey, let him go, to hell or where ever.
Get shut of him ,, he’s not worth it if he wants other people ,,find someone better who truly loves you
Kick him to the curb and tell him to go fuck himself!
Let him go and find yourself a real man. This man does not love you and is wasting your precious time.
Let him move on, its toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many contagious medical conditons out there.
How does this make you feel? In your gut? Trust your initial reaction. He is basically saying, “being with you is not enough for me”. If your feelings are bad, do not compromise yourself.
Dump him!
Drop him like a hot potato!
shut the relationship down, and boot his ass down the stairs
Dump the piece of ?…. One he will old fat and lonely!!! Worldly trash of evil!
Get rid of him,you cannot trust him!
Get rid of him,you cannot trust him!
Communication is key. Whatever partners talk about. The more sensitive the issue is the more empathetic the conversation should be.
It sounds like he wants to be single
Leave him.
Show him the door as he no longer loves or respects you…BYE!
Tell them to piss off… Either you aren’t supplying what is needed or they just can’t be satisfied… No man or woman is touching my other half sexually but me… There is no reason for this…open relationship aka you ain’t doing it for me
Let him go because if you do have an open relationship with someone like that he or even you might get an infection and maybe lose your life,It’s not worth being with someone who can’t tell you the truth from the very beginning…….?
ONE LOVE.
One can feel more lonely and rejected in an open relation …have the courage to be single and alone ..not lonely !!!
Dump him. You deserve better than his sorry a**.
Open? yup. Open the door and kick his butt to the curb!
Open relationships work for very few couples. Couples who, have been together for a very long time and financially, a divorce would be disastrous & they fell into a comfortable/friendship love. Open marriage works (personally have seen several marriages like this) very well for them.
When this happens the door should be opened for them to leave.
Run!
Break up
Leave
Let him go free, because he’s just not into you. Sincere love does not stray or seek other things, it is satisfied.
It is a very bad sign.
He wants out but won’t say it. Let him go. Your worth more than that appreciate yourself worth trust you be happy w out him.
Run away!! They are not worth it.
If you want that stay. If ya don’t get the f@#$ out. That simple. 🙂
No, its always an initiator or an aggressor that pushes for these..someone with an advantage over the other. It seems consenual but no one is truly happy. They just want the image of a stable mature relationship and the green light to be a fucken whore..or a fucking male whore.
Leave him and wish him good luck
Tell him the relationship is completely open………goodbye! If someone wants another person, than they are not satisfied with you. The only thing left here for you is pain and misery. On the way out I suggest you have sex with his best friend.
Don’t do it! Been there. It’s a waste of your precious time, energy and life.
The problem is men and woman do not equate sex in the same way. Where love and sex for a woman is more intertwined, sex for a man is more about a release. Biologically, men are not wired to be with the same partner for a lifetime. Combine that with the options men have available to them today and you have a recipe for relationship disaster.
Kate Lokken, some interesting words here…. X
Send him a text to say the relationship is finished and you’re found someone better!
Walk!
Haha you’d love it ?
Keep things interesting 🙂
?
I couldn’t live like that not knowing if my man will leave me for this other person etc it’s just setting yourself up for hurt, drama and pain. I say walk. If you are not enough for that person especially if there are kids involved…. Walk
Get rid of him !!!
Say goodbye, you are worth more.
Set him free, open the door and let the partner out. Then close the door after they leave. Have self-esteem and find the right partner instead.
“See ya…”
Tell him to get lost…. There are plenty of loyal people about who will appreciate an honest woman…
Set him free
I am stuck in a very similar situation. My girlfriend brought up the idea with me recently, and I’m not sure how to react. I’m sure she’d be understanding and respectful of my views, but I don’t want to be selfish and controlling