One Woman Shares 7 Possible (Interesting) Reasons Why Your Man Can’t Get An Erection

Posted by on February 20, 2018 in Conscious Living, Relationships & Sex with 5 Comments

Upset Woman in Bed-compressed

By Rebecca Lammersen | Elephant Journal

What is at the root of sexual malfunction? 

Although studies prove correlations and causations here and there, it’s still not confirmed.

It is my opinion, that it is not one cause, but a confluence of factors that converge at once. I know I’m not a sex therapist, yet, however, I’ve accrued a significant amount of field experience and research data.

I have spent half of my life in long-term relationships—18 years of monogamous commitment, surrounded by one night stands and summer, fall, winter and spring flings.

I have been with an array of partners—from a virgin (well over the legal age, don’t freak out) to a married man (it’s a long story, you don’t know it, so hold your judgments, please), and everything in between.

Related Article: 1 Simple Thing to Make Your Sex Life So Much Better

Some encounters have been explosively passionate without issue, and sometimes no matter what I do, there’s no lift off.

Before I list my reasons, I would like to take a moment to pay homage to the delicate nature of man.

Ladies, we may have to sit down to pee and bleed every month, but we really do have it easy. When it comes to sex, we can always perform. Even if we aren’t aroused or feeling desire for our partner, we can still have intercourse.

Of course, there should be a mutual interest in sex, but let’s be realistic: when you’ve been married for a decade or two, spend your days raising kids, cooking dinners and doing laundry, the last thing you want to do is make love, but sometimes you take one for the team.

We have the ability to fake it, all of it—our desire and our orgasms, but when men have sex, they have to show up completely, every single time.

What I’ve learned the most over the years is that I had it all wrong. I thought men were stoic, sex fiends.


Men are emotional and sensitive creatures. Their cocks really don’t have a mind of their own, they don’t. They are interconnected with the workings of their heart and brain. Their thoughts and feelings drive their ability to become aroused, sustain an erection, and avoid pre-mature ejaculation.

Men are transparent, exposed and vulnerable to the elements, especially to our judgments and reactions to them. So please, try to be kind, compassionate, understanding and patient with your partner—he needs that from you, even if he won’t say it.

Here are 7 possible (non-medical) reasons why he can’t get hard:

1) The penis can’t rise without compromise.

This actually has nothing to do with the bedroom. Consider this foreplay.

A man needs to feel he has a say in decision-making in the relationship, otherwise he feels like another child or one of the pets. Do not nag him. Trust me on this one, I’ve learned the hard way, or the limp way, I guess I should say. Your man needs a lover, not another mother.

Emasculation destroys a man’s confidence and the last thing he is able to do is perform. If a man feels lesser than, he certainly won’t want to be close to you, not in that way.

Did you ever watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding? There’s a scene where the matriarch of the family is having a pre-wedding talk with her daughter and she says something along the lines of, “The man is the head of the family, but the woman, she’s the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she wants.” 

Related Article: One Surprising Thing That May Be Negatively Affecting Your Sex Life

There’s an overload of power in our pussy. We sleep with a man and he becomes entranced. Have you noticed that? We are powerful, but we must be careful not to abuse our power. Our job in a relationship is to support and empower our partner.

How do you do that? Help him feel productive and useful. Give him tasks to do and ask for his help—men love when you ask for help; it bloats them with purpose. When he feels purposeful, he will feel impassioned, for you.

Remember, the neck is purposeless without the head and the head is paralyzed without the neck. A man and a woman need each other, equally.

2) If he doesn’t trust you, he won’t get it up for you.

This is an extension of the first reason. A man needs to know he can trust you. He needs to know he can be vulnerable in front of you. He needs to know that when he is done being the man of the house he can be fragile and you will nurture him.

Men get scared, too. They tend to internalize their fear, hence the reason everything may seem fine on the surface, but he can’t get aroused. He feels the same inadequacies you do, and he needs your support. He needs to feel comfortable to come to you at any time to be listened to and held.

When a man senses there’s safety and trust between you, he will want to love you and be as close to you as possible, inside you all the way.

3) He’s just not in the mood. 

We have a lot in common, even if we don’t share the same genitals. We all have bouts of depression, anxiety and stress due to internal and external factors such as jobs, finances, familial issues, emotional and physical conditions. Hormones rise and fall for men, too. We are not the only ones who get weepy and agitated during the month.

When we are in our minds and disconnected from our bodies, genital arousal is the last thing on our to do list.

Related Article: How Important Is Sex In a Relationship? A Man’s View

This is where communication is paramount. Sit on the couch, take a walk, dip in the pool, or soak in the tub together and talk it out. Sharing our thoughts and feelings is an emotional ejaculation, a release of tension, and when that tension is released, there’s room for other things like romance.

When a man feels like he can lean on you, he will lean into you, too.


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  1.' Mari Lozano says:


  2.' Diana Dearen says:

    Yes, these things are important, but most of the time it’s because the doctors have been giving most all men over 40 multiple drugs that cause huge problems with sexual dysfunction in men, mainly; high blood pressure meds and high cholesterol meds…..sadly, many of these didn’t need these meds…..but the Big Pharma Corporations push the Doctors to prescribe them…like they do antidepressants for women, which lowers their libido….

  3.' Hossam Salah says:

    Melissa take it easy ❤️

  4.' Steve McMullen says:

    As a man who has had bouts of this before here is what I know to be true from my point of view. I agree with just about everything in this article. I have been divorced for close to two years now but my marriage was on the rocks for a while before that. Now I have a GF who I am very attracted to. Let me tell all of you that being with someone new that you’re really attracted to and choosing to be intimate with is scary as shit and the first time I was intimate with this new partner was so scary because of the what ifs it was very difficult to keep the big head under control, worries of will she like it, holy crap am I actually with this beautiful woman, will I be able to satisfy her….blah, blah….. This leads to lots of emotions which can derail your little head.
    Another thing that was not mentioned is age. I’m now almost 51 and my drive is not anywhere close to what is was in my 20’s or 30’s. This is normal and natural for men but it can be a very humbling experience for men, Specially with society thinking that men are alway thinking about sex and intimacy all the time. If your partner does not understand this natural process of aging and slips into critiquing desire then that does not help at all. As a woman you must understand that this DOES NOT mean they are not into you or desire you but they just may not have the drive they used to.
    So my advice is to be loving, understanding and compassionate towards your partner!
    Men can not fake erections, but understanding goes a long ways!

  5.' Tim D Tailsman says:

    just don’t go to doctors, eat healthy ,keep a healthy mind ,get exercise and fresh air , don’t drink or smoke and Erections will be always available when needed 🙂

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