Men: Here’s Your No-BS Guide to Lasting Longer in Bed

Written by on January 2, 2018 in Conscious Living, Relationships & Sex with 0 Comments

happy couple in bedBy Dr. NerdLove | Doctor NerdLove

One thing I’ve learned over the years – both through my own experiences and from coaching others – is that men are all quivering bundles of anxieties and insecurities. We’re not allowed to actually, y’know, voice most of these concerns – goes against Man Code, after all – but we sure as hell feel them. And it’s that inability to actually voice our fears or anxieties that lets other people prey on them with snake-oil and horse shit. After all, why bother actually talking to somebody when you can try to solve the problem with placebos and “supplements” being hawked on late night television and delivered confidentially to your spam filter?

Not surprisingly, a lot of male anxieties revolve around sex and sexual performance. Masculinity, after all, is defined in no small part by one’s sexual ability and should you fail in that department… well, shitfire son, you’re just not really a man, are you? This is especially true when it comes to sexual endurance. Men dread being the two-pump chump or Missy Elliot’s “One Minute Man” and the invisible fist of the free market is there to take advantage of those anxieties. So let’s take some of the myth out of the method and talk about what it takes to improve your endurance and performance during sex… without the bullshit.

Understand the Difference Between A Preference And A Problem

One of the first issues to address is, simply, understanding the difference between a legitimate issue like premature ejaculation and “I’m not able to last as long as I’d like.” One is a preference. The other is a legitimate syndrome that frequently requires a medical assist. Let’s start by defining terms. Premature ejaculation is typically defined as a persistent or recurrent uncontrolled ejaculation prior to or within a minute of penetration and occurring before either partner desires it. It’s also one of the most surprisingly common forms of sexual dysfunction; according to a survey from the Journal of the American Medical Association, nearly 1/3rd of men from ages 18-59 reported that it was a regular and recurring issue during sex.

The tricky thing about premature ejaculation is that there’s no one cause; it’s generally considered to be a mix of anxiety issues, overstimulation and learned behavior, and when it’s a chronic issue it can require professional help to untangle and sort out. But while premature ejaculation is a real problem, a great deal of the anxiety over one’s sexual endurance focuses on the idea that a “real” man should be able to bang out for literally hours before ever needing to orgasm… and therein lies the problem. While many people believe that penetration should last for 30 minutes, the actual average of intravaginal ejaculation latency time1 is around 7 minutes. In fact, a survey of members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research finds that the sweet spot for actual penetration falls between 7 and 13 minutes, with 3-5 minutes being “adequate” and 1-3 minutes being problematic. And let’s face it: we don’t want to be just “adequate.” So how can we perform better in bed?

Quit Watching Porn

Part of the problem with people getting anxious about their staying power is, frankly, because of porn. As I’ve mentioned before, American sexual education focuses predominantly on anatomy lessons and STDs, period. It’s woefully inadequate and does absolutely nothing to address misconceptions about sexual pleasure, virility or potency. As a result: the vast majority of our education in sex comes from porn. And therein lies half the problem.

Porn sex is nothing like real sexeverything in porn is about putting on a performance. Every single aspect, from the positions to the fake orgasms to the full body waxing to the money shots, is all about what looks best on the camera and gets the viewer off quicker. Unfortunately, the ubiquity of porn and the lack of any other form of education means that we absorb all the wrong lessons from it. As a result, we watch the marathon boning sessions between Evan Stone and Alannah Rae and assume that we too should be able to hang in as long as the porn stars do. Except… it’s all fake. 

Related Article: How Porn Can Ruin Your Sex Life (Both a Man & a Woman Share)

The prodigious endurance of male porn stars is born out of trickery and chemistry and careful editing to patch over the seams. The scenes are carefully stitched together to preserve the illusion that it’s all the same session instead of starting and stopping because the lighting needs to be changed or somebody had a muscle cramp or farted or came too early. The men apply numbing solutions (or occasionally – and I shit you not – cocaine) or perform only-works-in-porn moves like pulling their cock out and slapping it against his costar’s thigh or vagina in order to dial back the urgent need to come. Moreover, that extra long fuck isn’t a picnic for the women either. Porn makes it look like the longer hang time you have, it ends up being orgasm after screaming orgasm for her until she melts into a golden puddle of afterglow and post-coital cigarettes. In reality, slamming away for twenty or thirty minutes without pause is going to end up with her being dryer than Death Valley and leave her feeling like a car’s engine after someone tried to drive through the Mojave desert after draining all the oil somewhere around Barstow.

Expecting your sex life to mirror porn in anything but the basic tab-a-goes-into-slot-b mechanics is going to be setting yourself up for disappointment and an unsatisfying love life.

Don’t Think of Baseball

The old idea that you can delay your orgasm by thinking of something unerotic – your parents doing the Lambada, Mitch McConnell, running down the multiplication tables – is actually a mistake that a lot of guys make.

To start with: most of the issues that trigger premature ejaculation have to do with anxiety, not how incredibly turned on you are. By desperately trying to distract yourself from how good everything feels, you’re only re-emphasizing just how freaked out you are… which is pretty much the exact opposite of what you’re actually trying to achieve. It just firms up your fear of popping your top too early, and that makes that fear even more present in the forefront of your mind at a time when the best thing you can do is relax.

Plus, part of learning to control your body is to be aware of it, not to distract yourself from it. The more you can be aware of your triggers and the sensations your body is feeling during sex, the more you can learn how to adapt and respond to them. After all, if you’re so focused on trying to name the starting lineup of the 1996 Spurs that you miss the fact that you’re nearing the point of no return… well, that didn’t exactly help, now did it?

Besides – part of the whole point of having sex is being with your partner. Distracting yourself in the moment means you’re not paying attention to them, what they’re doing and trying to please them. And let’s be honest: it’s kind of insulting not to be giving them your full attention.

So what do you do instead?

Foreplay, Foreplay, Foreplay

And also? Foreplay. I’m being serious. A large part of the anxiety surrounding coming too quickly is the idea that it renders you incapable of pleasing a woman. After all, how’re you supposed to give a woman orgasm after orgasm if the best you can manage is three minutes of the ol’ in-and-out burger? And therein lies the problem; for many men, it’s aaaaall about getting the penis in there. Everything else is just what you do to get there. Because men tend to be focused on penetrative sex, we tend to assume that women are too.

In fact, for most women, penis-in-vagina sex is the least likely way they’re going to get off. 70% of women simply can’t climax through penetration alone; they need direct clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm and you aren’t going to be able to do that with just your penis.

But this can actually work to your advantage. If you’re determined to be the Provider of Orgasms but are worried about your hang-time, then the best thing you can do is become a master of non-penetrative sex. Learn to love oral sex. Put the magic in those magic fingers. Get familiar with toys and how to use them. Take your time to make sex a full body experience instead of focusing all of your attention on her nipples and vaginal canal and find all the things that make her gasp, moan and bite her lip… without using it as precursor to “OK, can I put it in now?” When you can please a woman with every part of you then you’re going to go down in her book as one of the best lovers she’s ever known regardless of whether you can go for three minutes or all night long.

Related Article: Men: Know the 4 Stages of Sexual Foreplay & These Tips for Arousing Your Lover

And, just as importantly, it’s going to help you relax. When you know you can make her orgasm over and over again with just your mouth and hands, you’re not going to be as anxious about how quickly you’re going to get off… and the relief from all that anxiety is going to help you slow down and enjoy the sex, too.


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