For the Men: 9 Ways to Be a Masterful Lover

Written by on August 10, 2017 in Conscious Living, Relationships & Sex with 0 Comments

Sexy Couple in Bed - 4 Erogenous Zones That Excite Her More Than the G-SpotBy Jay Cradeur |

Your partner can’t share vulnerability so intimately with anyone else. It’s sacred and one of one of the most powerful gifts a person can offer.

Related Article: How to Communicate with Your Lover About What You Want in Bed

2013 I decided I wanted to become much better at sex. Like many men, I suffered from the embarrassing and rarely admitted to dysfunction of premature ejaculation.  There are more than 450,000 Google searches every month, and about one in three guys in the U.S. is dealing with the issue, says research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. I read up on the issue, I consulted a sex therapist, and tried many methods of self healing, and while I showed improvement, I was not satisfied having a body that was still out of my control. I found the experience to be stupefying. I felt hopeless. I felt less than a full man. I was self-emasculating.

My cure lied in practice. For many reasons, none the least of which was for sexual healing, I sold most of my personal possessions, gave my Acura to my daughter, put the rest of my stuff into storage, and headed off to Thailand. During the past year, I have had more sex at the age of 55 than all of my prior 54 years combined. I learned to train my body, ask for guidance, and excel at the art of sex. Here are some things I have learned from the experiences of this past year. I share them with you so you might be able to create your own brand of magic and mastery in the bedroom.

Guys, we have got to slow down.

The real joy, the intimacy, and love, are most viscerally felt in the many subtle and multifaceted activities that lead up to release. Sure, granted, the orgasm is a unique experience, often referred to as “little death” for one does take a short respite from normal waking reality. It is great. It is magnificent. But there was something even more powerfully available to me. By ratcheting down the need for a release, not only was I meeting my partner at her natural speed, but it also gave me time to ease into the experience, which did help with performance.

“Slowly darling.” One of my lovers constantly spoke this refrain to me, like a mantra. I thought I was already going slowly, but there was an entirely new gear that I did not know existed.  She taught me how to savor the tender moments, to languish in the mutual pleasure, and to find a gentle rhythm. I find it useful to focus on my breath, and keep it gentle and slow and deep. No rush. And when I did have a problem with premature ejaculation, all the foreplay leading up to intercourse allowed the experience to last much longer.

I also found meditation to be very helpful with my sex life. Go figure! As I meditated daily, I naturally found a quieter and deeper side of myself. My inner life became illuminated, which allowed me to more easily find my calm and deeper self during sex. There is an all-knowing presence within each one of us, and meditation allowed me to more easily tap into that inner wisdom.

Related Article: Men: How To Be The Best Lover She’s Ever Had (Video)

Be vulnerable. 

Open your heart! What do women want from us? In my opinion, they want our humor. They want our touch. They want intimacy. They, just like us, want to feel something sacred. Jim Morrison of The Doors is quoted in an interview as saying:

JIM: “Listen, you two-bit fuckin’ actor, you underestimate the audience. You think they all want a better job, a house, two cars, money, that’s what you think but you know what they really want, Tom, in their lives, what they really want—”

TOM (Interviewer) – “Tell me.—”

JIM (a whisper) “…something sacred, that’s what they want, something sacred.”

The fastest route to a sacred space is to share myself boldly and unabashedly. It is quite a fearless stance to be willing to open your heart and express who you really are. One technique I will share to open up my heart is to speak in terms of “I.” For example, instead of saying “this is how people feel” I would say “this is how I feel.” I had to stop talking in the third person like a professor or teacher. No one is interested in my pontificating in conversation. Instead, I learned to share specific feelings, always starting with I. “When I am with you, I feel so much love in my heart.” Or even more bold “when I think of writing about something very personal, I feel scared.” Sharing my strengths and fears showed my vulnerability, it opened her heart, and her mind and body almost always followed.

Be Playful

Sex is not the time to be serious. It is, if nothing else, a glorious celebration of our bodies, our spirits and the amazing energy and intimacy we can co create with another human being. The sensations, the specialness, the connection, wow, what a powerful opportunity to be present with another person. Becoming self absorbed and obsessed with my performance is the quickest way to kill the moment and lose my sense of humor. The Way of The Samurai states this very poignantly:

Among the maxims on Lord Naoshige’s wall, there was this one: “Matters of great concern should be treated lightly.” Master Ittei commented, “Matters of small concern should be treated seriously.”

So let it go. Before I know it, the moment will pass, and I can then look back and evaluate and judge my performance to my heart’s content. Many of us do. But in the moment, play. Smile, laugh, tussle and play.

Be responsive, not reactive. 

Following is a great example of something that most men have experienced. Virtually all women I have met will not agree with me when I tell them they are beautiful. This is even more true of the culture in Thailand. The most gorgeous women simply will not accept their beauty. “I am just the same as any other woman!” I use to get distracted by this. I would get into a bit of a debate. I was being reactive. Now that I understand a bit better, I simply don’t interfere with her feelings. I will continue to express my feelings that she is beautiful and maybe one day she will feel it, and maybe not. Either is fine. We men must hold a larger perspective so that she can have her feelings, whether we agree or not, and have it be okay.

Related Article: How Sex Differs Energetically for Men and Women and What to Do for Better Sex


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