How to Cultivate the Full Spectrum of Your Sexuality

Written by on September 18, 2017 in Conscious Living, Relationships & Sex with 6 Comments

sexy couple on beach

By Jordan Gray | Jordan Gray Consulting

Five years ago I went to my first ever sex party in a “dungeon” in San Francisco. It was intense… and surprising… and definitely not what you’d expect.

But before I tell you that story, I need to tell you something very important (and some very personal things about myself).

This is what an analog sound wave looks like (like a sound wave from an old school vinyl record)…

dark sexual energy

And this is what a digital sound wave looks like (like one you would see from an mp3 that you throw on your iPod)…

dark sexual energy

When they create an mp3 from a vinyl record, they chop off the highs and the lows, and then compress what’s left over. So the sound that you’re left with lacks a lot of the soul and the fullness that the original, vinyl recording once had.

Related Article: Men: These Exercises Will Help You Last Longer & Be Your Best Sexually

This is also what society encourages us to do in our sex lives.

I believe that we are taught to live in the safe, light side of our sexuality versus the full spectrum of our authentic sexual selves.

We’re taught from a young age that boys are supposed to like these things… and girls are supposed to like these other things… but not TOO much because then they’ll be labelled as easy, slutty, or worse.

We learn that certain positions are acceptable. That specific sexual acts are too taboo or strange. And that this is how long you’re supposed to last, and this is the number of times that you’re each supposed to climax.

Essentially, through social conditioning, we are handed a sexual script of what we are allowed to like… and anything that deviates outside of that is unacceptable and severely frowned upon.

I should know. I lived the first twenty years of my life living in this compressed, limited version of my full sexuality.

When I was a young lad, I was pretty girl crazy.

dark energy, dark sexual energy, kissing baby

I had a girlfriend in pre-school…

dark energy, dark sexual energyI had girlfriends I would talk to on the phone for hours at a time (even while doing front flips on trampolines)…

dark sexual energy

And I even had a couple of girlfriends that I dated for multiple years during high school and university.

dark sexual energy

I was the perfect made-for-TV boyfriend.

I made my girlfriends dinners all the time. I was an amazing listener. I would bring themflowers unexpectedly. I was also very giving sexually… I was highly unconcerned with my own needs and was hyper-focused on making sure that they were always sexually satisfied with me.

But if and when my girlfriends broke up with me, they all seemed to have the same excuse.

They all told me that our “spark had died”… which I never really understood.

The tipping point, for me, came when I had my first adult relationship. We had a whirlwind romance and I was head over heels in love with her. I adored her and knew that I wanted to marry her. At the end of our year-long relationship she broke up with me. And as she was breaking up with me, she said something that stuck with me.

Like the others before her, she said that she was breaking up with me because, again, “the spark had died.”

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But she was one of those people who wanted you to understand why she was dumping you… which was fortunate for my growth, although I appreciated it a lot less in the moment.

She told me that I was too nice… that I was too passive… too accommodating to her needs… that, ultimately, I was a pushover.

I was destroyed by this.

All I ever wanted was to be a “good” boyfriend, but it was that exact part of me that was the reason I was losing the love of my life.

I thought to myself, “I’m never going to let anyone make me feel this way again.”

And so, the pendulum swung. I went to the extreme opposite way of being in my relationships.

Instead of loving with total vulnerability and openness, I closed off to women completely and (like many other men over the past two decades) dove head first into the pick up artist community.


dark sexual energy
I almost didn’t include this photo. But it’s just too good not to share with the world.

I studied (and eventually taught) cold-approach pick up which is where you literally approach women in the street and get their phone numbers within a matter of minutes. And I got pretty good at it too.

For most people, including myself at the time, pick up has nothing to do with the women themselves, and everything to do with feeling more powerful and in control.

For the first time in my life, I was allowing myself to be selfish, in my relationships and in bed. I became more aware of my sexual desires, and specific turn-ons that I’d neglected in the past. And women started responding to me more powerfully than they ever had. Which, as you can imagine, just made my ego even bigger.

Related Article: The 5 Most Common Myths About Sacred Sexuality

I was having the best sex of my life and I wanted to explore sexuality even more.

In fact, I became a full-time student of sexuality.

I read every book that I could find on tantra, Taoist sexual philosophy, and sexual energy. I went to dozens of live events and workshops on human sexuality. I hired coaches and mentors to help me along in my journey of sexual self-discovery.

Up until this point, I was exploring my sexuality in a way that was largely selfish at the expense of my partners. But through my self education, I learned that there’s a way to be selfish in bed that’s mutually beneficial to everyone involved.

One of my lightbulb moments came to me when one of my personal mentors gave me the insight that while my light energy was superbly in tact, my darker sexual energy was almost non-existent.

Or, to put it in even more clear, real-world terms, I had been perceived as extremely safe to the women I pursued, but I didn’t have much of a sexual edge.

I had read about this concept in my studying of Taoist sexual philosophy, but it had never become as clear in any other moment until this one.

Before we go any further I think it’s worth mentioning how I define light sexual energy and dark sexual energy. Here are some traits that I think describe each one with accuracy.

Light sexual energy: playful, explorative, passive, curious, loving.

Dark sexual energy: dominant, in control, selfish, aggressive.

Or… to put it in a more relatable way, light sexual energy is the side of you that wants to leave the lights on, have three-hour Tantric sex in the missionary position, while maintaining eye contact with your partner and syncing up your breathing.

While dark sexual energy is the side of you that wants to take your partner and ravish them against a brick wall.

I wasn’t connecting with women sexually like I wanted to because I wasn’t 100% connected to the full spectrum of my own sexuality.

The path was laid out ahead of me. I knew that in order to feel like a fully integrated sexual person, I would have to cultivate the darker side of my sexuality.

Related Article: 9 Cool Things About Female Sexuality


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6 Reader Comments

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  1.' Peace & Love says:

    Hi! Whoever is reading this, I understand how rough things are right now. I just want to let you know that things will get better, I promise. Keep holding on just a little bit longer. I know you feel like nobody really cares. You’re wrong, stop denying it. I care, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this. You’re not alone, we may be miles away but we’re all going through the same things. Please keep holding on

  2.' Willy Watson says:

    Lobster net dong sling

  3.' Bm Oladejo says:

    Dare not, thanks. Lol

  4.' Eddy Waddell says:

    Black Friday and the Christmas tree Lighting will be the Perfect time to protest for any and all reasons people have today. Low wages, high rents, homelessness ect….. YOU WILL HIT A NERVE AND THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT. Rise up

  5.' Michael Pecot says:


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