Answers to 13 Sex Questions You May Be Too Embarrassed to Ask

Posted by on September 7, 2016 in Conscious Living, Relationships & Sex with 6 Comments

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Why can’t I orgasm during sex? I’m fine on my own!
Your solo sure-thing is all about the clitoris, right? Only about 30% of women orgasm without clitoral stimulation, says licensed psychologist Laurie Mintz, PhD. So if sex for you doesn’t directly involve your clit—either with manual stimulation or via sexual positions that hit it (woman-on-top often does)—coming isn’t going to be in the cards. Mintz suggests adjusting your expectations—”start thinking about orgasming as a before- or after-intercourse thing,“ she says. Or slip your guy a little night time reading: She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner is excellent, she says.

Kerner’s book is designed to boost a guy’s “sexual clitoracy.” “Most guys are utterly i-clitorate,” says Kerner, a New York City-based sex therapist. His best tip? The tongue is more powerful than the sword. “The clitoral glands are located at least 2 centimeters above the vaginal entrance, so when most men and women have sex, the clitoris is rarely touched, which is why many women don’t orgasm during intercourse,” he explains. “You want a woman to orgasm? Get to her clit. With your tongue.”

Related Article: 9 Everyday Habits Preventing You from Having Great Sex

Can I tighten my vagina?

Yes! And the method for doing so—”physical therapy for your vagina,“ says Louann Brizendine, MD—isn’t that different from training your abs or biceps. You’re working muscles to make them taut, in this case the muscles of your pelvic floor, including your vagina. “There are clinics in France for this express purpose—what they call a reeducation perineale,” says Brizendine. “And they work—they tighten vaginal muscles to narrow a vaginal canal that feels wider [and less sensitive] due to age or childbirth.” As we get older, vaginal and pelvic-floor muscles slacken, and up to 76% of women experience decreased sensation.

If a trip to Paris for this purpose isn’t in the budget, become your own trainer. First, locate the muscles in question by stopping the flow of urine when you pee. Or insert a finger or two into your vagina and squeeze. Got ‘em? The muscles being used are the same ones engaged during pelvic floor exercises, or Kegels (Need more clarification? Here’s how to do Kegels in 3 simple steps.) Do 5 to 10 Kegels daily, contracting those muscles 2 to 4 seconds at a time before relaxing. As you get stronger (and tighter), do more reps and hold each one longer.

It’s like the Sahara down there—no matter how turned on I get. What can I do?
It depends. If you’re perimenopausal, blame estrogen. You need an adequate amount of this hormone to maintain vaginal lubrication, and that’s when levels naturally decline. If you’re not yet in the hot flash phase, look at your meds. Antihistamines can dry up your vag along with your nose. “Hot tub chemicals, caffeine, and even stress can promote vaginal dryness, too,” says Mintz. She recommends trying some lube—the slippery feeling alone will make you more turned on, which could boost natural lubrication. She suggests a water-based or glycerin lubricant—and a visit to A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center at Check out the Lubricant Comparison Chart; the sampler package (just $11 for eight-plus lubes) is a steal.

I heard a researcher found the G-spot recently. So where the heck is it?
The report was in the May 2012 issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, where Adam Ostrzenski, MD, a semi-retired Florida-based gynecologist, claimed to have pinpointed the G-spot’s locale by dissecting the body of a deceased 83-year-old. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to find yours via Google Maps anytime soon. That’s because, according to Brizendine, the G-spot “isn’t an organ, it’s an anatomical area, and not only does it vary greatly in exact location from woman to woman, it’s much more defined in some than in others.”

If you want to go in search of yours, keep in mind that self-exploration isn’t the surest route. “Just as a flaccid penis is very different than an erect penis, the vaginal canal is a different organ when you’re intensely aroused,” Brizendine explains. Instead, she suggests experimenting with sexual positions to find one that stimulates the clitoris and the most sensitive area of the vaginal canal. Cowgirl (or, woman-on-top) is the go-to because the clitoris rubs against the male pubic bone and/or penis. But Mintz recommends something a little more…salty: a cock ring with a vibrator attached. Good? “It’s mind-blowing, actually,” she says.

Related Article:  Answers to 8 Sex Questions You’re Too Embarrassed to Ask

My husband and I have sex once a year at most. I’d be fine skipping it entirely. How common is a sexless marriage?

Five to 20% of married couples have sex 10 times a year or less, which psychologists define as a “sexless marriage.” And one in three non-married pairs who have been together more than two years have a non-sexual relationship. So it’s more common than you think. But is it ideal?

“Sexless marriages divide into two types,” says Mintz, author of A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex. “Those in which both partners are content with near to no sex and, much more common, those in which one partner is very worried about it and the other is not.”

If you fall into the concerned camp, she advocates the “Just Do It” approach. “The more sex you have, the more you want,” she explains. “For a very large percentage of my clients, it’s that simple. When you’re younger or your relationship itself is young, you’re horny before you have sex. As you get older or progress into a later stage in your relationship, you start the process and then you get horny. The hornier you get, the hornier you become. It’s self-sustaining,”—possibly marriage-sustaining, too.

Related Article:  High Heels Can Affect Your Orgasm & 12 Other Surprising Sex Facts

How do I even begin to suggest to my partner that he has a problem in the sack?
Very carefully. “Many men feel insecure about their sexual performance, so before you address it, boost his ego by assuring him you enjoy hooking up with him in any capacity, not just via intercourse,” says Amber Madison, MA, a therapist in New York City.

After that, your next step depends on the problem. If it’s erectile dysfunction, he doesn’t need you pointing it out. He’s aware. What he needs is your understanding and encouragement in addressing it. “A lot of ED is mental,” says Kerner. “A guy has a misfire, and he’s scared it’ll happen again.”

If the problem is premature ejaculation, Kerner suggests reframing the issue: “Compliment him on his ability to come hard and fast,” he says, “then float the idea of male multiple orgasms.” These are achieved via the start-stop technique. Ejaculation is halted in the heat of the moment by strengthening pelvic floor muscles that control the “stop.” Guys do this the same way women do—with Kegels, or contractions of the pubococcygeus muscle. To find it, men should stop the flow of urine while peeing. Encourage your guy to contract that muscle 10 seconds several times daily then have him flex it in bed. With you.



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  1.' Suny Leone Online says:

    anyone love this post as much as i do ?

  2.' Beth Johnston Stephenson says:

    I love this post !!! Spot on

  3.' Linda Rhodes says:

    It’s about time. Bang a gong get it on.

  4.' David Calson says:

    everyone can benefit no doubt 🙂

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