8 Ways You Deny Yourself Unconditional Love

Written by on January 31, 2015 in Conscious Evolution, Conscious Living with 3 Comments

In order to awaken you will have to acknowledge and see clearly the games your mind plays to keep itself in the darkness. Divine love, which is unconditional, is our true nature.

Which of the following little “spiritual” games do you like to engage in? Be honest now! The mind does not like to admit its own foibles. It hates losing face. But it wouldn’t hurt you to let yourself feel a little embarrassed here. Embarrassment is a nice, gentle way for the ego to take a fall. If you have something very silly close at hand – like a party hat, a used tea bag or that copy of Fifty Shades of Grey which you have been hiding from everyone – plonk it on top of your head and keep it there for thirty seconds if you recognise yourself as the player of any of these games.


 1. Perfectionism

“I need to be perfect!”

Jesus was perfect. He couldn’t be tempted by the devil, and he never ever had a wicked thought. The Buddha just sat all day around being all enlightened. So I’d better be perfect too! I’m not there yet, but maybe one day I will be.

Sorry, but you are not going to be like Jesus, and you haven’t got a hope of being like the Buddha. No, you are just fine the way you are.

Make no mistake. There are lessons we can learn from the spiritual greats. There are subtle distinctions about the way mind and cosmos interact, between the way the ego and higher self operate. But you are not here to be like anyone else. You are just magnificent in what you are right now. If you stop and relax long enough, you might just discover this for yourself. So do yourself a favour and spare yourself those thirty years of penance or meditation you think you need to become perfect.

The key to awakening lies in the deep acceptance of all that you already are, including all those parts of yourself you deem to be unacceptable.

The truth is that the Deepening is a relaxation into the perfection that you already are. The mind can never live up to the ridiculous expectations which you place upon it. So don’t even try.


If you are not having a good time, why bother anyway?

Is your ultimate enlightenment worth the cost of being a boring, miserable S.O.B. (Or D.O.B. – let’s not be sexist) till the year 2050?

I don’t think so.

So snap out of it.

 2. Addiction To The Healing Process

“I will be OK when I am healed”

Don’t interrupt my pain. I’m healing!

You have to give it to the mind for this one, for it is pure genius. Trying to heal is perhaps the perfect trap the mind sets up to fool itself. In this common scenario, you set out to heal yourself after you acknowledge that that there is repressed pain within your soul. Your mind then declares: “My goodness! This is what is stopping the light from shining within me! I must go on a healing journey! I must get rid of this pain. When I no longer hurt, I will be free – and enlightened!”

Do you see the trap? In trying to get rid of the pain, the ego is rejecting the wounded child within. The ego is rejecting itself. Shutting out the light. Here the mind is saying that the current me, with this pain and suffering, is not okay. But one day, when I get rid of all this damn anger, sadness and fear I’ll be okay. Not till then though!

What I am talking about involves a very subtle distinction. It is generally true that we have to acknowledge our pain before we can heal. If we suppress our hurt and emotions they will never heal. But we have to bring a loving, non-judgmental awareness to our pain. For any judgment of the wounded child will simply drive it further into unconsciousness.

Further, as Caroline Myss points out in Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can, the mind can become addicted to the healing process, especially the sense of intimacy that one gets from being part of a healing group, or sharing one’s pain with another.

The most effective solution to the sense of emptiness that may ensue after leaving behind the intimacy of healing groups or friends, is simply to begin to connect deeply with what is before you in every moment, in deep presence. In the end, this is the only thing that will fill the void.

 3. Addiction to “Getting There” (To That Enlightened Place)

“I’m going on a spiritual journey!”

“I’m off to find myself… again.”

Ah, yes. I am spiritual. Very spiritual! And I am becoming more spiritual. Soon I will be so damn spiritual that all those sheeple out there will be so far beneath me that I will not even know they exist!

There’s no more guaranteed way to sabotage a spiritual journey than to go on a spiritual journey. Where are you going, exactly? When will you get there? Can you see the problem? In setting up the journey, you are saying that where I am now is not okay. I must arrive somewhere else – only then will I be whole and compete. This here and this now is not good enough. Indeed, I must become more spiritual. Like the Dalai Lama, the Pope, Jesus, or the Buddha. Or maybe I can just be as enlightened as my spiritual teacher. Or this Marcus T Anthony dude. But I am not there yet. But I will be. One day. In the future. But not now. Not here.

Not ever.

The mind loves this spiritual game. It is a guaranteed way to ensure that it never has to release its power over you, for it sets up a perpetual cycle of conditional love. I will be OK when I am truly spiritual, when I get to the top of that mountain.

 4. Addiction To Being Mindful “One Day”

“I need to be more mindful”

“When I am more present, I will be enlightened, because enlightened beings live in the present moment, not in the ego.”

What a noble goal this is! After all, mindfulness is all the rage in many spiritual and self-help spheres. So the mind sets itself the goal of being present.

“Hey, I am going to be present everyone! Yes, it’s coming. Here it is! It’s getting closer every day. I can feel it out there!”

Setting the goal of becoming present in the future is just an ego game. Oh, the irony of it all! The mind feels comfortable with the idea of a future where it will become silent and deeply present – just as long as that still mind thing doesn’t happen now! Presence is a great concept, but the experience of it is terrifying to the ego. For many people it’s like the idea of travelling to India.

“What an exotic, exciting, spiritual place to go! But I think I’ll wait before I go there. They say the streets are dirty, there are lots of beggars and it’s not safe for women. Nice place to travel to India! Yep, I’ll go there one day. When it modernises more. When it’s different.”

5. Spiritually “Bypassing” Your Humanity 

“I am enlightened… spiritual… psychic… a lightwkrker!” (and other grandiose delusions)

“I am so spiritual I don’t have to deal with anything dark anymore!”

These are more labels the mind sets up, and with them come ever-more more stories that have to be played out. My favourite is the lightworker brigade. This is a popular game in some new age circles. Lightworkers like to sign off “Love ‘n light”, on their Facebook page. They give each other lots of hugs and kisses. They smile so much that they’d make Anthony Robbins feel inadequate.

Then they get into the car and scream at the guy who cuts in front of them, hating both the other driver and the shadowy driver within themselves who is not love, not light.

None of us is merely a lightworker. Not all the time. To say that “In this moment I am working with light” is fine, if that is indeed what is happening. This is light, in all senses of the word. It does not place pressure on the ego to play the spiritual game. It is simply relaxing with what is going down in the moment. Then, when that guy cuts in front of you on the freeway, and you scream, “What are you doing, you f…ing retard?!” you will immediately see – and love – the projection. You won’t try to pretend it didn’t happen. You won’t deny the truth because your commitment is not to being some perfect, Christ-like incarnation who is here upon this lower plane to deliver her magnanimous wisdom unto the unwashed masses. Your commitment is simply to love all the thoughts and feelings that arise within you each and every moment, and to take responsibility for them.

So you can give a great sigh and let of that lightworker crap.

6. Addiction to the Concept of Heaven (Post-Mortem Spiritual Paradise)

“I am going to Heaven – up there, later on.”

“I can’t wait to go home to God, where I really belong. God, take me away from this shitty place! Take me to Paradise!”

Here is another ingenious scam pulled by the mind. What better way to reject the present moment than to tell yourself that this world is just a trial run for the real deal in another place and time? This is a wonderful strategy tailor-made to reject your perfection, and to deny yourself  love.

Heaven is the present moment, for that is the only place where complete and unconditional love is found.

You are already home. Heaven on Earth is here, now.

7. Belief That You Are A Lesser Mortal Who Must Earn God’s Good Grace

“I have to please God first”

“I am a dirty little sod – but I am going to get cleaned up by God when I pass His test to see whether I am a good person. Of course, I might fail, and be cast off into Hell to burn for eternity. So I better beat myself real hard for the next seventy years or so to show that I am a humble little servant who’ll do anything to please Big Daddy.”

What is this nonsense all about? If any of my mates started mumbling this rubbish I’d give him a good hiding and tell him to wake up to himself.

The desire to please God is nothing more than the wounded child calling out to the parent for the unconditional love that it never got. And none of us ever got perfect love from our parents, because they were imperfect human beings.

The key, then, is to get in contact with the little boy or girl inside you, and love him or her with all the love you can muster. Be a parent unto yourself.

Now there’s something that would make a god happy.

 8. Giving Your Power To A Saviour

“I have to be rescued by my savior”

“Help me Jesus, I’m drowning down here! Please do it for me!”

Finally, we get to the big one. Looking for, or trying to please a Saviour is one of the central motifs of both religion and human relationships in general. In this case it is the other guy/girl – or other god – who holds all the cards. He (very occasionally a “she” in religious circles) is the one who is going to lift me up, make me better, stronger and whole.

“Save me!”

Of course, for this to happen in religious circles you have to perform special favours for the Saviour. You have to do the right thing. You have to be better, more spiritual, more holy, more chaste. More perfect. In fact you have to be more than human. Only then will you will be okay.

Can you see the conditional love involved here? There’s no hope for the light to shine through you when your entire sense of self is invested in the approval of some other god or person. The power (and love) is always out there, somewhere else.

So there they are, just a few of the many stories that dominate the human psyche. Did you see your life in any of them?

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Marcus T Anthony (PhD) is a futurist of the human mind, writer and spiritual adviser. His new book is Champion of the Soul.

Marcus posts a new article on CLN every Saturday. To view his articles, click HERE.

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  1. I am laughing my little head off here! I woke from a dream this morning and after I finished putting the title up, I suddenly remembered that I had wanted to check something on Alexis Brooks website. Resisting the little voice that told me to write the dream up first, I went on the net and somehow landed on the page with your article. Intrigued by the first few lines, I had to read on. The title of my dream was “Not Good Enough to do God’s work” and the top of your list was “I need to be perfect.” How perfect! I then finished writing up the dream before reading the rest of your excellent article. Yep, I’m in all of them! Spirit can even derail my attempts at procrastination.

    FWIW, this is the last part of the dream:

    Next I am with a man who is having lunch – don’t know what but it is a proper meal, like perhaps meat and potatoes and veg. He is talking about having given up smoking and is very proud of himself. He then sees that when he kicks this habit (don’t know what he is referring to) he will be able to work for God. I immediately think “why can’t you work for God now” in a puzzled way but then I immediately realise that he is just using that as an excuse. My attitude switches in an instant from puzzlement to contempt and I go to say something to him to confront him with his attitude but I am stopped in my tracks by the realisation that I have this same attitude.

  2. mjeffreys2013@gmail.vom' Melinda says:

    Somehow I feel that you have confused religion with having a personal relationship with God. There is such a mighty difference, a peace that serpaces all understanding is one big thing what makes me feel unconditional love. That can’t EVER be achieved through what you have described with religious practices. Blessings for you through this journey my friend, he is there for the asking AND so is the knowledge, but the soil of the soul has to be ready to accept the seed for it to properly grow or it’s just another weed, like so many others out there.

  3. What you are touching upon I would call the right relationship with Spirit, Melinda. There is a right relationship with all things. And that includes “God” – and you can decide what that means for you. There is, conversely a dysfunctional relationship with any “other”. When we give responsibility for ourselves away, then it is dysfunctional. Having said this, it can be very empowering to admit powerlessness and ask for help. For every truth there is an equal and opposite truth. I think Neils Bohr said that.

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