6 Ways to Have Radically Intimate Sex

Written by on February 27, 2017 in Conscious Living, Relationships & Sex with 10 Comments


By Zoë Kors | Elephant Journal

“Sometimes I get real lonely sleeping with you.” ~ Haruki Murakami, A Wild Sheep Chase

We want intimacy and avoid sex. Or we fear intimacy and crave sex.

There is a pervasive confusion about sex and intimacy. We use the words interchangeably, but purely physical intimacy stops way short of a meaningful experience or a sustainable connection. The more we focus on the physicality of sex—how we look, what we wear, toys and techniques—the further we get from true intimacy.

Here are my six suggestions for having radically intimate sex.

1. Shhhhh: No Talking

Often when we think of intimacy, we think about the sharing of secrets. There is something intimate about verbalizing our innermost thoughts and desires—especially when it comes to sex. However, as alluring as fantasy can be, by its very definition, it’s a way of escaping reality. And we tend to hide behind our words, using conversation as a means of avoiding vulnerability. We tell people who we are instead of showing them.

True intimacy with a lover happens in the silent moments of presence and connectedness between words.

Practice #1: Set a specific time to meet in the bedroom without speaking a single word. Spend an hour together, not talking, before any physical intimacy begins. Show up clean—physically and emotionally. This is an opportunity to let our stories fall away—as individuals and as a couple—making room for a deep, non-verbal, energetic connection.

Related Article: Top 12 Mistakes Men Make in Bed & How To Avoid Them

2. Make It Anti-Climactic: No Orgasm

When Emerson said, “Life is a journey, not a destination” he meant that when we focus on getting to a particular goal, we miss value in the moments along the way. And so it is with sex. There are reports that women can have 11 different kinds of orgasms. From the time men are boys, they are fascinated with ejaculating (it’s a built-in, biological preoccupation on which the survival of the species depends!). We have misunderstood the destination of sex to be orgasm, and by doing so, robbed ourselves of some potentially powerful opportunities for both pleasure and intimacy.

Practice #2: Agree upfront to forgo reaching orgasm. Take the possibility completely off the table, for both of you. By doing so, you provide space to be present and find appreciation of each moment for the pleasure and connection it brings, without distraction. Take turns bringing each other close and backing off. Notice the powerful bond created as you hold each other on the brink of ecstasy.

3. Like a Lava Lamp: Slow It Way Down

We live in a fast-paced, over-stimulating, 140-character-status-update kind of world. As a culture, we are usually focused on “doing” rather than “being.” Because we juggle so many responsibilities, sex tends to become just another thing on the “To Do List.”

Rushing through the “doing of sex” does not encourage the “being” of intimacy.

Practice #3: Create a bubble of time and space to climb into together. Do whatever it takes to enable getting lost in your own world together. Make a conscious decision not to rush. Let energy flow between  you like a lava lamp. Moving verrrrry slowly, savor each moment of sensation and allow intimacy to rise.


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  1. Floremin_brusas@yahoo.com' Floremie taboada brusas says:

    Im a girl . How to active sex..sometimes . .im not excited in sex. How me to excite me?

  2. Floremin_brusas@yahoo.com' Floremie taboada brusas says:

    What are the best doing .para ganahan akong makipag sex?

  3. The more we focus on the physicality of sex—how we look, what we wear, toys and techniques—the further we get from true intimacy. Here are my six suggestions for having radically intimate sex.

  4. Soni tum mere sath sex karo i hope u enjoyed.

  5. EliaspBukowiecki@hotmail.com' Chas Perlstein says:

    Beautifully written and so true on all points, Zoe. Nothing better than two being one, eyes locked, breath shared, the rest of the world melted away. Well done!!! As i was reading this i kept thinking this is what happened when i was last with my love. For days after we were kind of in a daze so connected and needing to be together we could not understand but we knew something was different. It was the most intimate sexual encounter we have ever had ,and we have I think a great sex life but this was just different.

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