10 Ways to Heal a Sexless Marriage

Relationships naturally have ups and downs. Sometimes we feel very connected to our spouses and other times we may wonder what brought us together in the first place. We can sometimes feel alienated, resentful and angry with the person we are married to. We are different. Men and women are wired differently with differing needs. Our discussion is about two healthy people, rather than those with serious health issues.

A sexless marriage is defined as a marriage where a couple has sex no more than 10 times a year.
There are many different components to a marriage that could contribute to the break down of sexual intimacy. Differing sex drives is one of the biggest issues, however it is not always the cause. Hormonal issues, communication skills, as well as emotional maturity contribute as well. Though,  20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say that they have no sex drive (according to USA Today). Inability to communicate about tough issues in positive ways, differing values or beliefs and of course how we were raised from childhood to think about ourselves, sexuality and the opposite sex also play a role in how we think and feel about sex.

Relationships can be challenging, there is no doubt about that. Intimate relationships bring up our deepest fears and insecurities providing a mirror into our own issues. Relationships can also raise us to the highest of heights and incredible bliss when we are in sync, connected through mind-body-spirit with hearts wide open, communicating lovingly.


Sex is a spiritual expression of love. It is Divine. Having sex is as natural as drinking water when we have thirst or eating food when we are hungry. Denying our sexuality is denial of who we are. It is not the same as transcending sex. Transcendence occurs without thought, without effort and certainly without resentment. When sex leaves a marriage you lose yourself, because you are denying your natural state.

Denying sex also causes issues with your lower two chakras. When the root chakra and sacral chakras are blocked, there can be physical issues with the genitalia, prostate issues, financial issues and blocks to creativity or being out in the world in a big way.

When one person is unhappy with the amount of sex, arguments, complaining and sniping at one another often result. Love is the foundation of a healthy, happy marriage. Sex provides the glue to keep a couple connected, intimate and openly communicating. Sex can break down barriers and help remind us of the love that exists between us. When one person refuses sex, the other can feel rejected, unloved and under appreciated. A loving sexual coupling can open the door to deeper more meaningful conversations and an openness between two people. When trust is present, deeper intimacy can occur. When intimacy is present it bonds a couple in ways that go beyond a marriage certificate or a wedding ring.

Our sexuality is the core of who we are. When we deny ourselves pleasure through sex, we are repressed. Repression creates obsession. Usually the rejected person becomes obsessed with sex. The relationship and the couple are out of balance. Sex is a natural expression of love. In general, rejecting someone who wants to make love to you is withholding love and can be abusive.

Sex can relieve tension, allow deeper sleep to occur and help a couple receive a beautiful expression of love. Not all sex is loving however. Sometimes sex is used to control the other. It can also be used to manipulate. Using sex as a tool is a distortion of sexual energy.


Refusing sex is often egoic. Sometimes we get into our heads with deep criticism of the other person. We need to remember if we think it about the other person, we usually have the issue ourselves. Unforgiveness of past events and resentment can keep a couple on a sexless continuum until one either leaves or moves beyond their fear to break the silence. There are two parties in a marriage, it only takes one to cross the chasm to begin the repair of your relationship.

Anything worth having is worth risking. Just as any illness can be healed, so can any relationship. It takes effort, risk, patience and willingness to do whatever it takes. Think about what the costs are if you do nothing: divorce, more heartbreak, financial ruin alimony and custody battles are real. Divorce is painful. You may not receive the hug you are hoping for on the first try, but if you don’t wave the white flag and offer your hand and open heart, you are not even trying.

Here are 10 ways to open the door to reconnection and healing the rift in your sexless marriage.

1. Return to love. Marriage is all about love. Remember the love you have shared. The person who is refusing sex needs more love, not less. Begin to show love in tender nurturing ways that have nothing to do with sex. A hand squeeze, a hug, doing something that you know they would appreciate, flowers, a love note. Someone has to make the first step without fear.

2. Make more eye contact. When we stop having sex, we also stop looking at our partners deeply in the eyes. Reconnect through your eyes. Look at your partner through eyes of love, rather than anger,resentment and unforgiveness. Make eye contact as often as possible. Remember how you used to gaze into each other’s eyes when you were dating?

3. Communicate with an open heart. Talk about your day. Ask about your spouse’s. Let your partner know you are serious about re-connecting and healing your relationship and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that so. Communication is one of the biggest issues with couples who are not having sex. When sex is lacking, loving communication is usually not present either. Sharing your thoughts and feeling with your partner is a large part of getting you into the bedroom. If you are barely speaking, change that pattern.

4. Praise and bless your spouse. Begin recognizing all that your spouse does. Praise their efforts. Tell them how much you appreciate them. When we don’t get what we want, we might say unkind things to get a reaction. Sometimes we lash out because we are hurt. If you want to rekindle the love and sex in your marriage saying negative things will not get you into the bedroom together.

5. Be of service to your partner. To move off-center you will have to pull out all the stops. Make dinner. Clean the bathroom. Do the laundry.Do something nice that your spouse would appreciate. Don’t give up too soon, you are on a roll!

6. Act from loving Kindness. Be kind to your spouse. Say kind words. Avoid criticism. When we aren’t getting what we want, we can recoil instead of move toward the person we want to be close to. The exact opposite has to occur. You didn’t get here overnight, it took time. Miracles happen, but I would do everything you used to do when you were blissfully happy. Actions speak louder than words. Your actions show you mean what you say.

7. Touch more. Hold hands, touch their shoulder as you walk by, give their hand a loving squeeze. Notice that touch is way down the list. Touching too soon can lead to more rejection. Begin with something small that has no sexual connotation. Ask before you move into a hug, or snuggling. Take it slow.

8. Massage. Once you have moved slowly through these stages, ask if your partner would like a massage. If they are open to it, do so with the understanding that this is just a massage. If nothing more occurs, at least you have begun to touch each other in non-sexual ways. This is a huge step forward. Have no expectations. Don’t feel rejected if they are not ready yet to take it to the next step.

9. Dance. Dancing is a beautiful way to move together in unison, but still safe enough for the other party to feel comfortable. Suggest a dance lesson, or go out dancing together. If this isn’t possible, there is always dancing in the dark at home. Again, have no expectations or agenda.

10. Consciously choose to make love — and communicate about it. When you are able to reach this stage, it might have taken months or weeks. Whatever length of time it took is okay. Don’t be attached to time frames. You have been healing along the way, reconnecting through other means. Before having sex together make sure you discuss the terms or boundaries. How it needs to happen, how each of you will feel most comfortable. The longer it has been since you have had sex together, the more physical challenges that may occur. Take it slow. Use a non-heating lubrication like coconut oil or olive oil. Talk about what each of you wants, likes and prefers. Try not to control the outcome. Allow things to unfold naturally. Don’t have any expectations.

There are many reasons people don’t want to have sex. From a woman’s perspective, it could be that she felt unloved and used as a sexual object or receptacle. This is not a comfortable place to be. From a man’s perspective he might not feel appreciated or loved. If one or the other has had an affair, been addicted to pornography or other issues, you have to deal with this as well. Addictions to alcohol or drug addiction can precipitate a resistance of the other party to have sex with you. Don’t be afraid to look at your own issues and what led you to this place. Always remember that love was present when you began. It has not been lost, it is just covered up.

Low Libido As The Root Cause

Low libido has many different causes. Our bodies need to be in balance for our hormones to operate properly. If your thyroid is out of whack other hormones will be also. Getting the thyroid checked is a first step. Low functioning thyroid is an epidemic in the US and other countries as well. Getting your hormones checked or taking a natural libido stimulant can also help. There are many good ones available in health food stores.

Jennifer ElJennifer Masters Bio Shotizabeth Masters is an author, hypnotherapist, love and passion coach as well as an energy healer. She combines all of what she has learned from her own healing of addictions and codependence as well as the six modalities she is certified in with her coaching. She is also a catalyst for healing. Just being on the phone with her will lift your spirits and help you feel more calm and peaceful. She helps those who are looking for love and happiness to find it within themselves first, so that they can become the magnet for it in the world. You can set up your Free discovery session with Jennifer to find out if her work is a good fit for you. Her book Orgasm For Life is available on Amazon.com

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  1. loxliegh_2004@yahoo.com' John says:

    Best read this year, thanks

  2. board_of_bss@yahoo.in' Shibaji Chakraborty says:

    I found this website very useful.

  3. kavita2@rocketmail.com' Kavita N. Usgoankar says:

    I m improving my social sex life after visiting your website.

    Thanks – Kavita N. Usgoankar – Provorim, Goa

  4. ldsniderjr@gmail.com' Desperatly seeking advice says:

    Over the last year I have thought of every one of these things on my own and much more. I have had very little success. Anyone else have any other ideas? I don’t want to just give up on my seventenn year relationship, but at this point everything feels hopeless. I don’t know if I will ever be able to break through the wall that is between us. To make matters worse, I am part of a monogamous poly Vee triad. My copartner and wife still have the ‘spark’, so for the first time in my life I am now experiencing jealousy. Having to deal with a loss of intimacy is hard enough, but when it happens in a polyamorous relationship it is like to a hundred times harder.
    Here are the questions and my what has happened when I tried.

    1. Return to love. Marriage is all about love. Remember the love you have shared. The person who is refusing sex needs more love, not less. Begin to show love in tender nurturing ways that have nothing to do with sex. A hand squeeze, a hug, doing something that you know they would appreciate, flowers, a love note. Someone has to make the first step without fear.

    tried it, but i guess i wasnt doing it right makes her feel as if i was smothering her. She says it makes it worse.

    2. Make more eye contact. When we stop having sex, we also stop looking at our partners deeply in the eyes. Reconnect through your eyes. Look at your partner through eyes of love, rather than anger, resentment and forgiveness. Make eye contact as often as possible. Remember how you used to gaze into each other’s eyes when you were dating?

    tried it she said I was being creepy and making her uncomfortable. she specifically asked that I stop looking her in the eye so much.

    3. Communicate with an open heart. Talk about your day. Ask about your spouse’s. Let your partner know you are serious about re-connecting and healing your relationship and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that so. Communication is one of the biggest issues with couples who are not having sex. When sex is lacking, loving communication is usually not present either. Sharing your thoughts and feeling with your partner is a large part of getting you into the bedroom. If you are barely speaking, change that pattern.

    tried it, she said it makes her feel as if everything is her felt and that makes us feel bad and causes more distance between us.

    She also says I don’t communicate enough about the mudane things like how my days is, although I always ask her how her day is
    obviously I am just as big a part of the problem and have work to do. But I never feel as if she actually want to know about how my day is, since she rarely asks. okay I still have room to work on # 3
    4. Praise and bless your spouse. Begin recognizing all that your spouse does. Praise their efforts. Tell them how much you appreciate them. When we don’t get what we want, we might say unkind things to get a reaction. Sometimes we lash out because we are hurt. If you want to rekindle the love and sex in your marriage saying negative things will not get you into the bedroom together

    do it all the time,but it is like she only remembers the times I am even remotely negative. its like she ignores or doesn’t comment on all the positive things I say and chooses to only look at the negative.

    . Be of service to your partner. To move off-center you will have to pull out all the stops. Make dinner. Clean the bathroom. Do the laundry.Do something nice that your spouse would appreciate. Don’t give up too soon, you are on a roll!

    lo, funny. l I do it way to much. if anything she now takes the things I do for granted so they don’t matter any more

    6. Act from loving Kindness. Be kind to your spouse. Say kind words. Avoid criticism. When we aren’t getting what we want, we can recoil instead of move toward the person we want to be close to. The exact opposite has to occur. You didn’t get here overnight, it took time. Miracles happen, but I would do everything you used to do when you were blissfully happy. Actions speak louder than words. Your actions show you mean what you say.

    I feel as if I do this constantly but I bet brandy would say I don’t do it often enough. i probably have a little work to do in this area so i will say i do it 1/2 the time

    7. Touch more. Hold hands, touch their shoulder as you walk by, give their hand a loving squeeze. Notice that touch is way down the list. Touching too soon can lead to more rejection. Begin with something small that has no sexual connotation. Ask before you move into a hug, or snuggling. Take it slow.

    everythime i try this she pulls away from me and it feels like total rejection.
    it is like she doesn’t want to even touch me in the littlest ways any longer. She says it makes her feel pressured

    8. Massage. Once you have moved slowly through these stages, ask if your partner would like a massage. If they are open to it, do so with the understanding that this is just a massage. If nothing more occurs, at least you have begun to touch each other in non-sexual ways. This is a huge step forward. Have no expectations. Don’t feel rejected if they are not ready yet to take it to the next step.

    this particular topic make me cry.other than massaging/ rubbing her feet i cant do it right. she literally says i am not doing it right that it is hurting her and asks me to stop.
    🙁
    at this point i wish i had time and money to go to massage school so she could learn to be able to rub her. fuck now i am crying again

    9. Dance. Dancing is a beautiful way to move together in unison, but still safe enough for the other party to feel comfortable. Suggest a dance lesson, or go out dancing together. If this isn’t possible, there is always dancing in the dark at home. Again, have no expectations or agenda.

    I am a horrible dancer and in the past when we have tried i never quit synced up or vibed with her on the dance floor. however i would say there still is a little work i can do in this area, if only i can figure out how to make time for it.

    10. Consciously choose to make love — and communicate about it. When you are able to reach this stage, it might have taken months or weeks. Whatever length of time it took is okay. Don’t be attached to time frames. You have been healing along the way, reconnecting through other means. Before having sex together make sure you discuss the terms or boundaries. How it needs to happen, how each of you will feel most comfortable. The longer it has been since you have had sex together, the more physical challenges that may occur. Take it slow. Use a non-heating lubrication like coconut oil or olive oil. Talk about what each of you wants, likes and prefers. Try not to control the outcome. Allow things to unfold naturally. Don’t have any expectations.

    maybe we need to talk about it before and afterward
    but every time I try to talk about the subject she says she is feeling pressured and that makes it harder for her. so she doesn’t want to talk about it cause it makes her feel pressured and all attraction to me goes away.

    • mam.cm.svcs@gmail.com' Lexy says:

      Hopefully things got better between you two but I doubt it. As I’m reading your post I somehow get the feeling that it’s Not SEX that You’ve lost. I think It’s LOVE that you’ve lost.
      I’m ONLY speculating this from what I’m reading and from my experience. I feel STUCK and sophicated sometimes in my 24 year relationship. I’m NOT interested in our sex life anymore after COUNTLESS of rejections and when the act of sex has happened, 95% of the time, He will climax just as I was barely getting into it.
      He’s gotten lazy at foreplay. It’s obvious to me that he’s not thinking of pleasuring me or he’d last longer.
      Perhaps is because I take care of the Household. I mean Completely take care of it all, the laundry, ironing his uniforms, making his daily lunch, all the cleaning, pet feedings, pet walks, car maintenances, etc. He gets home from work eats and sleeps. Maybe watch a little TV.
      So many times, I feel so unappreciated and used. I ask him to acknowledge the polishing of the floors, or the cleanings of something in particular otherwise he will probably notice but not say much. I may have just finished cleaning our countertops, he’ll grab something to drink or eat and not pick up his plate or cup. Leaves soiled paper towels or what not.

      Countless of times I have initiated sex, just to get shot down. “He’s Tired”, “I’m sleeping right now, or I got to go to work” Now I’m at that point where I no longer desire to be with him.
      Same goes for going dancing. Since 2001 I have asked him to take me dancing. We met at a nightclub. We used to go out dancing up to 3 times a month in the first 7 years of our relationship. His lack of effort is unworthy of me.
      I can not have communication with him about our sex life because he gets all defensive and shuts me up by raising his voice and tells me, He don’t give a __ck and go find myself someone else.
      As a result of such unbalance, in the last 6 months I have fallen out of love with him. I love him but I no longer feel in love, or attracted to him, I do not lust him like I used to. In fact, If I could, I would like to be divorced and living separately.
      There are times when he is putting effort, trying to make me happy. Tries to be affectionate. I know it but I NO longer want it. What for? I’m Not going to butter it up, bottom line the sex will end up short handed and his kindness will switch in a blink of an eye. He’s like a light switch goes “On and Off”
      I do not believe in being married for life therefore I am ok with growing apart and moving forward. What has us together is our finances and our 1 1/2 old grand daughter. Unfortunately, after we’ve both pushed each others buttons – something had to give.

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