What Women Want: Understanding Female Sexual Desire

Posted by on August 25, 2017 in Conscious Living, Relationships & Sex with 7 Comments

Xanet | Power Of Pleasure

female sexual desireI’ve been thinking about writing this blog post since I read Daniel Bergner’s book, “What Women Wantseveral months ago.  But I’ve had a hard time wrapping my head around how to portray the information in a way that is helpful to both men and women.  Apparently female sexual arousal and desire is multi-faceted and complex..Really?  Who would have thought?  Here are some of my take aways

  • Sexual arousal and desire are not necessarily the same.

Bergner points to sex research that shows that what women report they are aroused by when shown porn (hetero-normative monogamous sex) and how their body reports arousal through measuring vaginal blood flow ( lesbian, gay, group, and primate sex) are incongruous.  He postulates that the female arousal patterns are similar to his male subjects and that the women, just like the men, were aroused by “indiscriminate sex”. (His term not mine..)


  • My belief is that arousal is a physiological response and desire is more of an emotional state of being.  And they don’t necessarily occur simultaneously.  There are other factors that come into play for women including what stage of life they are at.   In younger women who are in their childbearing years, arousal generally follows desire.  In mid-life (40 +) women who no longer have the physiological drive to procreate, desire follows arousal.
  • The differences in arousal and desire and the stages of a woman’s life impacts how we get turned on sexually.  Mid-life women need more time, more focus, and more sensation.  What these woman want is to first feel aroused and then once arousal happens, their desire for sex climbs.   Younger women tend to be the opposite.  They are much more likely to be quickly aroused because their desire for sex and procreation is much stronger.
  • What women want is to surrender into dominant male energy.  

Bergner’s evidence for this comes from several sources– fantasies of women that he interviewed and reports from researchers who have studied women’s fantasies.   The researchers reported, in a chagrined way, that rape and gang bang are the two most common sexual fantasies of women.  It’s important here to distinguish between actual rape (which is a brutal act of violence) and a woman “being taken” by a man or a group of men, which is an act of submission.

Similarly, the fantasies of his interviewees, were of having wild sex with the rogue man..the bad boy.  The “good guys” were for relationships and dating but not for having intense, passionate, sex.

  • I agree that what women want is to feel safe enough to express their feminine nature, which is naturally one of surrender.  There’s yet to be a woman that I’ve spoken to that has not said that it would be a complete turn on for her partner to throw her up against a wall and ravish her.
  • How a woman gets to that place of surrender and how the good guys can hold that bad boy energy that women desire can be fraught with complications.  But it’s so worth it when you learn how to get there!

Ultimately What Women Want is to be Desired…

About Xanet Pailet

Xanet Pailet is a somatic sex educator, intimacy coach, tantra teacher, and sexological body worker who has worked in the health care field for over 25 years. She works with individuals and couples using a variety of modalities to help them explore different paths of pleasure within the body, increase their sexual energy, and help heal emotional and sexual wounds.

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  1. Olivia.josephinew@gmail.com' Olivia Weinbauer says:

    What I want, is to know that I am loved, respected and desired. THAT is what turns me on.

  2. aktyagi_25@yahoo.com' anil kumar tyagi says:

    Fantasies about the sexual act arouse them ,,,its an physiological ,,,but the desire entirely depends on emotions which in turn give rise to increase level of hormones responsible of the sexual act ,,,

  3. alie1000@outlook.com' alie says:

    Its amazing how much the presence,
    all forms of communication,
    play in real life,
    touching does all that
    when done with love,
    affection.

  4. monkeypoopfight1@aim.com' Mitchell says:

    WRONG. Lol women want Attention and Affection, Not some Domination Complex that makes them Feel Undermined and Below Someone, They want the DEFINITION of LOVE, A Balanced Relationship that is a Constant Give and Take, especially one that is Secure and Assuring and makes them feel Safe and that their Love is Received and Given Back Equally. You don’t know women at all, to know women you have to understand Beauty, and Second, you have to understand, You DONT KNOW WOMEN LOL

  5. monkeypoopfight1@aim.com' Mitchell says:

    A woman is Completely Emotional Creature, If ANYTHING SHE WANTS HER EMOTIONS TO BE DOMINANT… LOL THIS ARTICLE…SOME WOMEN ARENT EMOTIONALLY THERE YET THOUGH, (ARENT SECURE IN THEIR OWN LOVE, SO THEY SEEK SOME MAN THAT FILLS THEIR EMPTINESS), in a true romantic relationship this is how it is: Each Person Treats the other as GOD, Meaning Each one is Not Conditioned by the Other, Not Restricted By the Other, And Both are Completely Free as Them Selves Together. That is the Essence of a Good Relationship.

  6. monkeypoopfight1@aim.com' Mitchell says:

    Lol, “Women want to be Desired”, girls can only get as Much Love as they Give, this is why most girls are dumb, they think that Romeo will save them without Being a Juliet of Love, they expect some Deep Emotional Experience, without being in a Deep Emotional State of Mind

  7. pq4867@gmail.com' james Davis says:

    Sex is the feeling of love and being happy what it noing it is the feeling that make me and you happy I

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