By Jordan Gray | Jordan Gray Consulting
On a monthly basis, my readers send me hundreds of various questions about sex, sexual pleasure, and sexual satisfaction in intimate relationships…
“How do I bring back the spark to my sex life with my wife/husband/partner?”
“How can I let my partner know what I want in bed… without being overly demanding?”
“How do I communicate my sexual desires more, even though it’s challenging/I’m shy/I’m not sure how it will be received?”
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And one of the best tools that I give to my private coaching clients to get MANY of these various needs and desires met is something that I call a spoiling session.
What Is A Spoiling Session?
A spoiling session is a magical, sexy, multi-purpose exercise that allows you to gain a deeper understanding of your own sexual needs and the sexual needs of your partner, while simultaneously reconnecting you as a couple and melting away the subtle shame and resistance that each partner may or may not have towards sex in general.
How Do You Carry Out A Spoiling Session?
Spoiling sessions are quite simple. And as you can imagine from their name, are about sexually spoiling yourselves (and therefore each other).
A spoiling session is a pre-determined amount of time where one partner (the recipient) gets to have whatever they want done to them/on them/for them, as long as those things fall within the realm of comfort for the giving partner.
For example, one partner’s spoiling session could look like the following…
“For sixty minutes, every Tuesday night, sometime after 5pm, I will lay on my back while my favourite music plays throughout the room, and my partner will massage me, kiss my forehead, perform oral sex on me, and then cuddle with me inside of a big, warm blanket.”
While yet another person could want something entirely different. That’s the beauty of sexuality. It is completely individualized. There are as many sets of sexual preferences as there are humans on the planet.
How Does My Partner Know What To Do During My Spoiling Session?
There are two ways that you can go about informing your partner as to what you would like to happen during your spoiling session.
You can either…
1. Write it down and/or tell them out loud in advance what you would like to happen.
2. You can tell them as your spoiling session is happening, moment to moment, as your desires naturally shift.
In terms of personal growth, sexual shame melting, and your overall intimate connection as a couple, I strongly recommend doing the second one, if you are able to.
I know it’s more potentially challenging to ask for things while you’re in the middle of it… but that’s the whole point. You not only get to experience blissful sexual pleasure, exactly as you would like to experience it, but you ALSO get the opportunity to become more vocal during sexual play, and ask for your sexual needs to be met.
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There’s some serious magic that happens when you’re able to verbalize what you want, moment to moment, from your partner. Your newfound vocal abilities also start to translate into your ‘regular’ sexual play with that much more ease. And the more you communicate your sexual desires, the more you and your partner will understand each other and the more sexually fulfilled you’ll both be.
What Kind Of Details Should I Consider For My Spoiling Session?
Spoiling sessions are 100% customizable to what your ideal session looks like.
So if I were to list out dozens of examples of what you could potentially do, I don’t think that that would be as helpful compared to giving you categories and question prompts for you to consider. Because whatever naturally occurs in your mind is what you should be asking for (and not a pre-determined combination of ideas from someone else).
Here are some of the most common categories of considerations that I hear my clients implementing in their spoiling session. Let these wash over you, and take notes on whatever they conjure up in your mind.
– How long will your spoiling session be?
How long do you want your spoiling session to be? And remember, whatever your answer is, you aren’t then locked into that length of time for the entirety of your relationship. These things are all flexible, and are always up for constant renegotiation down the line.
Do you want it to be 20 minutes? 30? 45? An hour? Two hours? Three?
Do you want a longer one than your partner does? That’s fine. This isn’t about perceived ‘fairness’… it’s about pleasure and connection. Your answer is yours alone.
– When will your spoiling session happen?
Day time? Night time? Weekends? Week days?
Would you like your spoiling session to be a regular occurrence on the same time slot, week after week (i.e. Tuesday nights)? Or would you prefer it to be more infrequent because that would make it seem more special?
It’s all up to you!
– What is the ideal environment for your spoiling session to occur in?
In the bedroom? In the living room? In the bath tub? In the middle of a big pillow pit with blankets, throw pillows, and other soft things in your dining room area? It’s your spoiling session… you get to make the call.
– What music do you want playing, if any?
Slow, melodic, instrumental music? Opera? Hip hop? Electronic? Folk music? Binaural beats in headphones? The drone of a white noise simulator? Jazz music on a vinyl record player?
Feel free to build the entire sensual landscape, exactly as you would like it to be.
– What kind of lighting do you want for your spoiling session?
No lights? Dimly lit? All of the lights on? Black lights and glow in the dark paint? Salt lamps? Lava lamps? A hundred candles floating in water-filled fish bowls? Get creative!
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Whatever the answer is that pleases you the most, that’s the right answer.
– What will the room smell like?
Incense? Scented candles? Your favourite essential oils (lavender, tea tree oil, citrus, etc.)?
– What will your partner be wearing during your spoiling session?
Will they be wearing nothing? Leather? Spandex? A bra and panties? Knee high socks? A condom? Boxers? A silk nightgown?
– What do you NOT want to happen during your spoiling session? What will be off limits?
What would turn you off if it happened during your spoiling session? What does your partner need to know is off limits for you?
No spanking? No overly firm massage? No touching of your nipples? No G-spot pressure? No use of the word baby/boy/girl/man/lady/slut/bitch/slave/etc.? No penetration? No talking? No whispering? No music?
Whatever would make you uncomfortable or displeased during your spoiling session, let it be known in advance as much as is possible.