I Married A Homosexual

Written by on June 14, 2015 in Relationships & Sex with 5 Comments

divorce-lawyer-for-men-compressedIn a perfect, loving world, we would be able to experience our sexuality without judgment or condemnation, no matter our natural preference. There are no mistakes along our road of life, just gifts and lessons. How we respond to our experiences is up to us. Growth is always the undercurrent in everything that unfolds. The more compassion we have for ourselves and everyone we encounter serves us as well as humanity. Each of us has different lessons to learn. We choose these lessons for ourselves. Judging others for their experiences only keeps us stuck and negative. Gay, lesbian or transgender roles can cause serious challenges to navigate. I have the utmost compassion for those who were born with these issues, I discovered my husband was gay after we were married.

I consider myself intuitive, observant and reasonably intelligent. If the preceding statement is true, how then, could I have missed the signs? Ellen Berscheid, Regents Professor Emeritus at Minnesota Universtiy, and leading researcher on the science of love states, “we often idealize our partners when we first fall in love and explain away their faults.” I did just that. I fell in love with a man, totally and completely. I was “all in.” In fact, it was the first time in my life that I felt so committed, without one foot already out of the relationship. I opened up completely, risking myself completely. I explained away any of my misgivings. I ignored the red flags. Within six months, our idyllic lives began to fall apart. I had my lessons to learn about love, understanding, and compassion. I also had more to learn about a different type of abuse; withholding love.

After a ten-year respite from marriage, and divorce, I felt ready to venture back into the dating world. I chose Chemistry.com and began to look for someone to date. I wanted someone I had chemistry with. I put forth the effort to create a powerful profile page, spending time writing, answering the questions so that my prospective dates would be able to recognize if we were a good fit. After the initial weeding-out process, I agreed to a first date with a man (I will call Marshall) who lived in North Carolina, I lived in Georgia. At first glance, I felt that he was hiding something. I couldn’t see his face clearly as the photo was too far away. Compounding the distance, he was wearing a big hat and sunglasses. I also thought it strange that he would venture so far from home for a date. However, I suppressed any misgivings about the distance when he alleviated my concerns. He had good friends near my home that he cycled with regularly. “Distance,” he said, “was not a problem.”

Our first date was pleasantly comfortable. My teenage daughter chided me for his choice of restaurants; Cracker Barrel. She felt the restaurant was indicative of his personality and background. I found him attractive, clean and well dressed. He was attentive, considerate and a good listener. I had some concerns about him being raised Southern Baptist. I found that being a healer could become an issue later on. I talked openly about my work. He said he didn’t have a problem with what I did for a living.

Our conversations were expressive. He listened to me, leaning in as I spoke. He was warm, interesting and sweet. At the end of our second date, he leaned forward to kiss me. I was a little startled that he did so with a loud, smacking sound. I had never been kissed this way before, I thought it was just his way. It wasn’t the soft-lipped, sensual kiss I expected. I brushed away any thoughts about his kissing style and chose loving acceptance instead.

By our third date, we ended up snuggling on my living room couch. We talked about our respective past. His marriage lasted 23 years. He sounded stable. She cheated. I had an intuitive sense at the time he withheld love from her. I did not ask questions. He made a move to slide his hand under my shirt, which I stopped. I told him that I wanted to wait till I knew him well allowing our relationship to build slowly. I could tell he was attracted to me, by the rising tent in the front of his jeans. He appeared understanding about my request and didn’t attempt to push me. I found his respectful behavior refreshing. We had waited over three months before we became intimate.

Sex was good initially. Once we became sexually intimate, it was not long before he offered to look for work closer to where I lived so that he could see me more frequently. I knew that the drive was taking a toll on him. At the same time, I felt it was too soon. I didn’t want to sabotage something good, by being fearful, nor did I want to hurt his feelings. I did not express my initial shock or concern about the speed that our relationship was progressing. On one hand, it felt good to have someone so interested in me, but part of me was concerned. I had a history of challenges with men because of my childhood. I didn’t choose well. I carefully weighed whether I was fearful or careful? Those of us who have been people pleasers might discount our intuitive hits, in the early stages of our relationships.

Marshall introduced me to his friends. They were professional people, doctors, attorneys and business owners. He had a close relationship with their children as well. We began spending more time with them on weekends, after his bike rides. My friends and family liked Marshall, except for my youngest. My very intuitive daughter felt he looked like Frankenstein and kept asking me, “Are you sure he’s not gay?” I passed off her reaction to Marshall as jealousy. I considered her words; he was making moves on me, how could he be gay? Having a man in my life cut into my alone-time with her.

I had a long-term relationship with my neighbor a known alcoholic, who met Marshall. They enjoyed each other’s company, usually over drinks. I wasn’t much of a drinker, and they began spending more time together. There seemed to be approval all around. I almost didn’t notice his drinking. I found empty beer bottles were hidden in the barn after he cleaned up his bike, or behind his tools. When I questioned him about it, he became irritated. “It’s only one beer!” When he asked me to marry him, after only five months, my neighbor muttered under his breath, you better keep this one! I felt like I was being carried away on a sea of yeses. I wasn’t ready. I married him in spite of my misgivings.

We hosted our wedding at our farm in the Georgia horse country. I brought in palm trees and flowers. Everything was beautiful. My mother came, she said she had never seen a couple so in love. My sons gave me away. I put his wedding ring on the wrong hand. I wondered if this was an omen? We did not consummate our marriage that night; Marshall was too tired. Although I never said no, to sex with him, he often had excuses why he wouldn’t which was strange because I found him so attractive. Within weeks of our wedding, he stopped coming home after work. He spent evenings with his male friends cycling. He took motorcycle trips and cycling trips away with his male friends. He went off to visit his son in Alabama, without my daughter and me. We had always visited together before we were married. He refused to take a honeymoon weekend with me at a friend’s place in the mountains. It was as if a switch turned off. Once we were married, everything changed. I wondered why he was in such a hurry to get married? I felt he had something to hide other than his drinking.

Not even six months after our wedding he planned to meet his daughter at the Atlanta airport. He told me they were spending the weekend alone. Unlike her prior visit, they went off together. I was not invited. After he had left, I awoke at 10:30 just after falling asleep to my alarm going off even though I did not set it. I felt someone wanted me awake for a reason. My alarm made me aware that Marshall didn’t call me as promised. My intuition kicked in. I had a sick feeling in my stomach. I felt sure was not with his daughter. None of his stories made sense.

Within weeks of this initial weekend away, he told me he was going skiing to Utah, alone. Our initial plans were to go skiing together. When I questioned him about it, he was evasive. He had refused sex before he left. I knew this could be a telltale sign of an affair. It had been six weeks since the last time we made love. I noticed his semi-hard erection exiting the shower, I knew he was taking care of himself, refusing to have sex with me. When I picked him up at the airport, he flailed his arms, without making contact. There was no hug, sex, or snuggling in bed when he got home. He was like a wet noodle, not even attempting to put his arms around me. I got out of bed and did what I do when I am upset, I wrote. I wrote until 2:30 in the morning. I asked questions and worked through all the events that had transpired; the rushed marriage, no honeymoon, kisses without passion. I looked at it all, questioning, when I heard clearly, “Marshall is having an affair. You aren’t the one. You aren’t even the right sex.”

When I look back I can see the signs I missed because I was in love. Oxytocin is a powerful chemical. It causes mothers to love their newborn babies. It creates trust when we really shouldn’t. When we made love, it was always from behind, not my favorite position. He preferred me giving oral sex to him, but he did not return the favor. He kept his eyes closed, refusing to look at me pleasuring him. He imagined someone else. Not me, not even my sex. I was a cover up. He could not admit to himself that he was gay, because of his upbringing. His church would not allow such deviation from the norm. He couldn’t be gay! His family would disown him. He continued to suppress his feelings by looking outside of our marriage for extramarital sex.

My sons felt as duped as I did. My daughter knowingly said, “Well you know you have a habit of attracting alcoholics, and I told you he was gay!” He was distant during the day and barely present at night. He began going to bed as early as 8:30 to avoid me. His behavior changed immediately following our wedding. Marshall was the first person ever to withhold sex from me. I gained weight and felt unsightly. I felt rejected and unwanted. I had never felt this way before. It was my biggest lesson of all. Withholding sex is abusive. Withholding love is torment for the unloved. I gave him 30 days to decide if he was in or out of the marriage. When I asked him his decision, he said nothing. I had choices to make. I knew I was not a victim. I asked him to leave. We lost our beloved farm. Our property was insignificant to me. Love is infinitely more important than any material thing.

I was so angry with him I wanted to throw his motorcycle off a bridge! Once my anger moved through me, I found a safe place to weep. Three months later my marriage and my tears were over.

Our divjennifer mastersorce was amicable. He parked his company van in front of the courthouse in a tow-away zone. I drove him to the impound lot and hugged him one last time. Although I know without a doubt that Marshall is indeed gay, FaceBook, intuitively knew of our past connection and let me know he has remarried, another unsuspecting woman. This poor man is fighting the fight of his life to be straight and fit into society’s guidelines. He drinks away his sorrow, for now in his beer.

I wrote this article to assist you. Within 30 days of our divorce, I met three women who married gay men, unknowingly. I hope this helps deepen your compassion and understanding.

Jennifer Elizabeth Masters is a love and passion coach. The cornerstone of her work is self-love and acceptance. Her radio show All You Need Is Love is on BBM Global Radio. You can contact Jennifer for a free 30-minute discovery session to find out if her work is a good fit for you. Her books are available on Amazon.com.

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  1. kavinci@gmail.com' Kritz says:

    So, why do you think he married her in the first place, if he was gay? What would he have to gain by that? Was he conflicted? Did he do it for the facade?

    • Men who are struggling with their homosexuality, are looking for normalcy. They want to hide the truth from society, workplace and their family in an attempt to lead a “normal” life. If you google this subject there are many men who have sex with other married men who are trying to be or appear straight. They had strong religious rules in their family. Society does not accept this as “normal” until we do, this type of thing will continue to happen. It takes guts to come out. It takes tremendous courage. If you were beaten by your father for being overly emotional as a young boy, you continue to attempt to lead a normal life.

    • silverbronzedesk@aol.com' Kay says:

      Yes, it is often for the façade.
      Also, he might have had Narcissistic Personality Syndrome. For more info, check out http://www.melanietanyaevans.com

  2. ctim811@yahoo.ca' tc says:

    very interesting ,, Got me wondering about my wife , she don’t seem to need the sexual thing ,,,

  3. maximperly@yahoo.com' max says:

    As a gay man I as always honest with women that found me attractive and always told them upfront to make sure they know ,that my lack of interest and reciprocation is not because they are not pretty enough. He is just a selfish asshole, and I feel collective shame for a gay man like that !

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