Embrace Your Unique Sexuality (or Why You Shouldn’t Feel Shame for What Arouses You)

Posted by on August 16, 2017 in Conscious Living, Relationships & Sex with 7 Comments
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By Jeanette Geraci | Elephant Journal

Embracing The Shadow Side of Your Sexuality

Western society is gradually coming to think more progressively and inclusively. With that said, in spite of recent evolutionary leaps many Westerners still have a fairly static, black and white image of what constitutes morally acceptable sexual appetites and behaviors.

In “Sexuality and Shame,” Carolyn Shadbolt writes,


“…moral edicts about what is sinful, the chastity of women, the sanctity of marriage, the moral degeneracy of homosexuality, the superiority of male heterosexuality, the deleterious effects of masturbation, gender roles, sexist imagery, biological determinism and so forth are part of adult consciousness and life experiences that directly impact adult sexuality.”

Related Article: Women’s 10 Biggest Worries About Sex and How to Ease Them and Embrace Your Sexuality

Western culture is highly opinionated. We’re constantly bombarded with propaganda of right versus wrong.  Over time, we internalize these messages—integrating them into our personal belief systems.

Shadbolt goes on to write,

“…when the uniqueness of our sexual identity collides with the views and expectations of what is ‘normal’ and of how we should be in both our private and public selves, shame will not be far behind.  In the area of sexuality, all too often shame is the result when the inner meets the outer.”

This discrepancy between inner and outer creates the kind of internal schism that tears people apartthat wreaks havoc on people’s relationships, marriages, families, health and sense of self worth.

Matter can be neither created nor destroyed, only converted into other forms of matter. If we represses our sexual energy it will not conveniently evaporate—it will bubble up elsewhere. It will switch form—manifesting into a whole different animal. It very well might mutate into something ugly, toxic and truly hazardous.

Genuine sexuality is by nature fluid, complicated and sometimes confusing in its expression. It does not always align with what society labels “healthy” or “decent.”

Sorry, but not everyone wants to f*ck in the missionary position with one select member of the opposite sex twice a week, every week for the rest of their natural-born life. That works for some, and that’s absolutely, positively fine. If this is how you derive authentic sexual fulfillment, more power to you—but please recognize that for others, getting off is a bit more complex.

Related Article: 10 Intriguing Things About Love and Sex You Probably Don’t Know

Western culture lays the foundation for “the perfect storm,” an “all-you-can-eat” buffet of guilt, shame and self-loathing. Heaven knows, around these parts everyone loves a buffet.

In the face of socially unacceptable sexuality, shame is twofold—ignited from the outside, as well as within. Many people silently pathologize themselves and waste a lifetime toiling away under layer upon layer of anguish and self-reproach.

I can’t believe that I’m about to admit this on the internet, but here goes. Since the dawn of my sexual maturity, images and descriptions of erotic humiliation have been known to get my blood pumping like none other. I’m talking the likes of public exposure, forced orgasm, people— women in particular—getting stripped, bound and otherwise sexually debased, all for the viewing pleasure of hungry voyeurs.

Bear in mind that I identify as a Feminist—talk about cognitive dissonance! 

For years, I was certain that this made me a morally bankrupt human being—the opposite of what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a good daughter, a straight-A student. I wanted to be admitted to a Tier Onecollege or university. I wanted other people to see me as sweet, smart, pretty and wholesome.

Sweet, smart, pretty, wholesome girls, I thought, definitely don’t get off on these kinds of twisted fantasies.

Related Article: Do You Respect Other People’s Perspectives?

I remember confiding in one psychotherapist who confirmed my biggest fear. She implied, more like stated outright, that my sexual proclivities served as evidence of a troubled childhood and subsequent, deep-seated moral disfigurement. When I opened up to her about my darker desires, her knee-jerk responses read as shock and mild horror, accompanied by what I now recognize as some ignorant platitude along the lines of, “You can get over this slowly, with time.”

She saw my desires as warped, distorted and defective—a reflection of some emotional and psychological disturbance, a problem in need of correction.

This was traumatic to say the least.

I hated myself for wanting what I wanted.

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7 Reader Comments

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  1. Yong Cp Yong Cp says:

    SEX ‘ is most FUN ‘ the bridge to love more between each other , no? It happens between partners ‘ the special way TO EXCEL LOVE ‘ is through SEX? ‘N its AN EXERCISE ? Building of LOVE ‘ HEALTH’ MENTAL ‘ Spiritual ‘ bond ‘ etc DON’T feel ‘ shy to EXCEL ‘ LOVE BY SEX? It’s HEALTHY ‘ for longevity TOO. Tq. More ‘ can be SAID OF. Love it ‘ to share ‘LIFE N SEX ‘ URs is mine ‘n Mine is URs ‘. Both way traffic.

  2. My questions would delve into your childhood experiences, possible physical and/or sexual trauma and how you were introduced to your body and your sexuality. The shadow parts of control especially come from those specific spaces. In the right trusting relationship you two can explore taking, giving and sharing both pleasure and control in a way that is mutually pleasurable and erotic

  3. If there was sexual abuse, who was in control, how did grooming start, what did it entail? All of these questions and more can create clarity about why those things arouse you now. They could be residuals from that abuse that remain. You can take that power and your sexuality back and have a fantastic and fulfilling sex life with the right partner

  4. As long as it’s with another consenting adult, do whatever makes you feel good… as long as you are not cheating on someone.

  5. QuintinwBenack@hotmail.com' Gary Herda says:

    It’s never too late to start over. If you weren’t happy with yesterday, try something different today. Don’t stay stuck. Do better. You have finished the post and the post is removed from your collections . Save your next post to read now.

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