By Alexia LaFata | Elite Daily
In 1973, it was believed that only men had sexual fantasies.
In fact, Cosmo even opened up a feature article that same year with, “Women do not have sexual fantasies, period. Men do.”
Much has changed since then, of course. While we still live in an age where female sexuality is more taboo than it should be, let the records show that women enjoy sex just as much as men.
Did you know that a man can show his orgasm face in a movie, and the movie can still be rated PG-13, but if a woman shows her orgasm face, the film is automatically bumped to R or NC-17? What does this say about how society perceives women experiencing pleasure?
It’s time we contribute to the discussion and ponder our deepest sexual fantasies.
If you’ve ever had a sexy thought pop into your head that flushed your cheeks and made you shift in your seat, know that it probably wasn’t that crazy at all. Always kinky and sometimes uncontrollable, sexual fantasies are far more common than you think.
Since these fantasies live within the unconscious mind, they sometimes go a little further than your actual body might want to — but, hey, that’s why they’re called fantasies.
Matthew Hudson of Psychology Today says, “It’s been said that those who are easy-going in real life tend be dominant in the bedroom, and those with type-A personalities like to be submissive.”
In an age where men systematically rule, women fantasize about being dominant in the bedroom. Women want to have their bodies worshipped, call the shots in bed and be begged for more.
Laci Green, YouTuber and public sex educator, says it’s about a combination of being in a position of power and being desired.
In her book “Garden of Desires,” Emily Dubberley, British author and journalist who specializes in sex and relationships, notes that dominant sexual fantasies can include cheating on your boyfriend, controlling a personal erotic slave, decking out in leather and embodying a true dominatrix, or sticking to an assertive version of yourself. This fantasy focuses on the woman mainly receiving the pleasure and the man giving it to her without question.
Female sexuality is often overshadowed by a man’s desire for sex, so it’s only natural that women fantasize about being the most important person in the bedroom.
Submission fantasies are a surprisingly common category, and they include everything from simply giving in to the desires of a dominant man, to BDSM, to sexual assault, to rape.
These fantasies tap into the question, “To what extent is the personal political?” That is if you’re a feminist and a strong, powerful woman, why would the idea of completely submitting yourself to someone else be such a turn-on?
Green hypothesizes three main theories: Submission fantasies, specifically the most intense ones like rape, could be 1) an internalization of extreme expressions of “normal” power dynamics, 2) an extension of how our culture eroticizes aggression and violence, or 3) a guilt mechanism.
Submission means force, so women would be able to engage in wild and crazy sexual escapades without feeling weird, or a sense of guilt, about it. The idea would be that the woman tried to stop the kinky sex from happening, but the pleasure came anyway, so you can’t blame her! She’s still innocent.
Related Article: How to Effectively Share Your Sexual Wishes With Your Lover
This is not to suggest that women want to be raped, sexually assaulted, or give up control in life. Sex and life run on separate tracks, says Linda Alperstein, a sex therapist from San Francisco. Being spanked doesn’t mean you wish for your husband to hurt you. Real-life power struggles, Alperstein says, are not reflected in sex.
In some ways, according to Dr. Leon F. Seltzer, a woman putting herself in a sexually submissive role is the ultimate level of control because it’s such a stark variant from what she would do in real life.
The element of control here is having the choice to make such an extreme decision. Forced submission, as is the case with real rape or sexual assault, is obviously not a choice. In a submission fantasy, however, a woman wants to be submissive. In other words, it is her choice to do so.
3. Watch or Be Watched
Ah, voyeurism and exhibitionism. Whether you’re doing it in a crowded nightclub, in front of a large window so your neighbors can get a show or watching other couples get it on, women fantasize about sex that includes a witness. This can even include filming yourself and creating a mini-porno to watch later.
Dr. Laura Berman says it’s all about the adrenaline that comes with the fear of being caught in the act. I’d say it’s like an extreme version of that because, well, in some cases you’ve been caught.
Exhibition-style sex can also provide a huge ego boost. Dr. Drew Ramsey, a psychiatrist at Columbia University Medical Center, told Maxim that “there’s a sense of power that can be derived from seducing someone at a distance.”
Embodying a porn star and having someone watch you and get super turned on is enough to make the even shyest girls get freaky. It’s all about being in control of someone else’s pleasure.